Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Thank you.

Below is an open letter to my eletric company.

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Dear Sir or Madam.

I would like to thank you, WTU. You are a great electric company. You truly are the best! When I think of the time you raised rates thirty percent this winter. I get shivers. The customer support at your company is without peer. When I called in last week asking about the high price of my bill, a lovely CSR reminded me, that you had warned you about that. Her tone that made me feel shameful and immoral. Just like a mere humble custumer should feel for bothering such a conversant young lady, working at a prestigious company such as yours. Why when I had to ask her name for the fourth time, it was delightful. I enjoy learning new dialects!

It's brilliant that your employee customer service representatives are located in Egypt. Who would have guessed West Texas Utilities is not based in West Texas. WTU doesn't even have offices in Texas! We truly do live in a world economy and WTU is no different. You have more employees in Islamic countries then in the United States. You fooled your customers amazingly! You sly dogs. To think of all the support that you give the people that hate America. It truely brings a tear to my eye. You're marketing team should get a good pat on the back. I'm so happy prideful and arrogant Americans such as myself can help you in this important task.

Just when I thought your company couldn't get any friendler and customer oriented. You surprised me again. I had simply had exclaim, "BRILLIANT!" When I checked my mailbox and found more great tidings. Another rise in rates! When you saw the records highs and the heat settling early here, your rapid fire team of accountants did not hesitate. With green in there eyes and joy in there hearts they informed us customers of this fantastic news. Who can blame them, people need that air conditioning in hundred degree weather, more then they need a few green pieces of paper cluttering their wallet. I even heard that fat wallets could cause back problems. The horror! I would hate to get back aches for having too much money. Thanks for looking out for my health, WTU.

I admit I felt a little sad, when I thought of all the poor people that will not be able to afford the new electric bill. That was before I realized that the sun produces a chemical called serotonin, which actually makes people feel happier. So instead of gloomily sitting at home in the cool, like the rest of us, they will be able to go outside and feel the joyous rays that are our sun and feel jubliant. So thank you, WTU for being a bunch of motherfucking greedy cocksuckers that enjoy anally raping your customers without so much as a kiss. My fondest wish for you towel head employing anal reaming billionaires is that your precious daughters marry rappers. I'm sure that will go over well at your Nazi meetings you dickless asshat wearing fucktards.

Your loyal customer,

Big D

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This is yet another lesson on the blogosphere on how to write like an ass.

14 comments:

starbender said...

OMG~sounds like U have the same problem with the electric co. that I do. I get soo mad when I call and I get someone on the other end who doesn't speak ENGLISH! The Gas co. here does the same thing also, but I try 2 get back at them alittle. I PUT UP A TRIBUTE 2 THEM HERE Stop by and let me know what U think!
:)

Mimi said...

I fucking love it!!!!!!!!!!!

I might ask you to write a few letters for me. LOL!

Crazy Dan said...

I believe you should have said something about cum dripping off their chins but other then that it was bloody spot on.

:P fuzzbox said...

Don't you just love outsourcing? Nothing say's customer support like some fucktard on the other end of the phone that cannot speak a lick of English.

Breezy said...

I think this is my favorite post of yours...you're brilliant!

fatty ~ said...

wow. Someones got a whole lot of anger =P

did you get a reply?

Pugs said...

Hey! nice one... I thought it was only the U.K. that had this problem. I didn't know you had this in the states! The fuckers are getting in everywhere!

Big D said...

Starbender: I checked that out does that guy scream pig fucker?

Mimi: Thank, it is a delicate art.

Crazy Dan: That would have bee good to add.

Fuzz: That doesn't bother me to much. Saying your a local company does.

Breezy: Thank you.

Fatty: Sadly no. What me worry?

Pugs: I think ya'll get anal reamed harder then we do, but don't worry we are catching up.

Jaime said...

just how much is your bill anyway? mine fluctuates from 100 - 180 for every bi-monthly bill that i get. that's one bill every 2 months btw . . . in case you texans are not familiar with the term bi-monthly. that's not a month that swings both ways.

Big D said...

My monthly bill was $197 and I didn't even use the air conditioner but maybe 3 days. In the summer it's much higher.

Curare_Z said...

And Texas is supposed to be the "energy belt." Maybe belt-strapped.

I think you should actually send the letter. Then you can get the lovely reply, "Thanks for writing to us, loyal customer. We know you don't have any where to go, and we appreciate your comments. Don't expect us to fucking react, though. We're too busy counting your money."

rockyjay said...

Egypt?

You're kidding me, right?

Big D said...

Z: I e-mailed it to them. No responses yet.

RockyJay: Nope.

Jim said...

West Texas Utilities is owned by American Electric Power Company Inc. -- here's a picture of their headquarters -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Columbus-ohio-aep-building.jpg -- no wonder your rates are so high, it's a really big building! :)