Monday, June 19, 2006

Rachael Ray ain’t got shit on me.

That saucy Food Network star Rachael Ray ain’t got anything on me, which is sad because I can see where that would be fun. 30 minute meals? I got the beat. Try my Texas Patty Melt. Fat people, especially will love this. You skinny people might not be able to handle it.

What you need:

  • Hamburger Meat
  • Bacon
  • A jalapeño
  • Onions
  • Mushrooms
  • Chunks of cheddar cheese
  • Pepperidge Farm 5 cheese Texas Toast Garlic Bread. – Found in the frozen Food Section
  • Pantera CD

Prep it:
Throw on a little Pantera “Walk” if you have it. You’re going to eat a Texas sandwich so be sure to listen to a Texas Band. Drowning Pool also works. Also make sure you sing along, my brother Fuzz taught food is better if you sing to it. Oh and wash your fucking hands. Alright, so your hands are clean, the tunes are blaring; it’s time to cook.

Cook it:
Put a little oil in a skillet; turn your burner to medium heat. While that’s getting hot cut up your mushrooms and onions. I like lots of onions and mushrooms. You don’t have to make’em look pretty this is a hearty sandwich. Throw your mushrooms and onions into the skillet. Cut up your jalapeño into small pieces and throw it on a paper plate. You can use I bowl if you like. I’m not doing your dishes. I’ve heard wives do stuff like this, but that may just be a nasty rumor to trick single guys. Throw your cheddar chucks and meat where your jalapeños are. Mix all that shit together with your hands. You did wash your hands didn’t you? Don’t be a nasty fuck, wash your hands! Make yourself a patty. Get crazy on the patty size if you like. Grab some of that bacon and toss it into the microwave, cook until it’s crispy. Slap that patty down in the skillet with the mushrooms and onions. Get out a couple of pieces of that Texas Toast and pop into the toaster. I like my vegetables well done and my meat medium-rare to rare. So cook it to your taste. Keep in mind that if you cook over over medium into well done or medium-well you're burning the shit out of it. This is a Texas sandwich and Texans don't burn their meat. If it's not pink in the middle you're a pansy. I'm sorry I didn't make the rules. Slap all that into a sandwich; you should be able to make a sandwich without instructions. If you’re slow, the meat, onions, and mushrooms go between the bread. Also note the cheese side should be in, pointing towards the meat not your dirty hands.

Eat it:
CRAZY TASTY, and remember.
You can't be something you're not.
Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me.
A lesson learned in life, known from the dawn of time
Respect, walk.

Just in case you don't know who Rachael Ray is. Here is a wallpaper.


Crazy Dan said...

You need your own cooking show. That shit right there sounds CCCCCCCRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZYYYYYY TASTY!!!

:P fuzzbox said...

Cool recipe. It is good to see that some of my cooking knowledge has been passed down. ZZ Top works as well for those whose musical tastes run to classic rock.

Metal Mark said...

Sounds really good although it would probably have me stinking up the bathroom a few hours later. Who I am kidding? Popcorn has me stinking up the bathroom so I guess it doesn't matter what the food is. I really liked your instructions though, a lot better than any cookbook I have used.

Big D said...

CD: Very tasty.

Fuzz: ZZTop good amendment.

Metal Mark: Thanks alot.

Mimi said...

It sounds soooo damn good! But I don't think my stomach could take it!

Nice photo shop work with Rachel;)

kristi said...

Mmmmmmm, that sounds good. I love a waffle house patty melt but this one sounds awesome.

Lori said...

Yummy does that sound good.

Curare_Z said...

I'm going to make that for The Antidote. He will love me forever.

Thanks Big D.

**I like Rachel Ray's show...but I never knew what a sex symbol she was!

Big D said...

Mimi: Thanks on the compliment on the wallpaper.

Kristi: It is.

Lori: It’s very tasty.

Curare_z: He’ll love it. I watch that 30 minute meals all the time. What’s not attractive about a woman who loves to cook.

Pixie said...

Do you offer a veggie version?

Thats Rachel Ray !! my she looks so different with hardly any clothes on!

I like the show but she annoys the hell out of me by saying "I'm Rachel Ray" every two seconds. yes we know who you are!

Big D said...

Pixie: Sure just skip the bacon and hamburger meat. lol. Personally I like her $40 dollars a day where every bite is an orgasm. I'm seeing your designs everywhere pixie. What do you use? I use Adobe Go Live and occastional Dreamweaver, but i'm still not comfortable with fully css designed sites I use a mix of tables and css.

Phats said...

I know who rachel ray is but thanks for the pic regardless

that sounds absolutely disgusting, but I am sure it's great, too bad I am on a health food diet ;)

siren said...

My god, one of my arteries just clogged reading the recipe. I'm going to try it :) I'll have the AED standing by.

Catch said...

ummmm CD..your cookin baby!

Catch said...

ooooops BIG

Pixie said...

Big D, I just use photoshop and image ready for animations. i recentley got hold of that coffe cup which I keep meaning to look at but havent gotten around to yet.
Webpirate keeps nagging me to learn flash but I don't know if I want to get into that . My main interest is the graphics side. I am not that good at HTML its usually trial and error.
I've looked at your work and its really good =)

rockyjay said...

"You skinny people might not be able to handle it."

Is that right? Bring it on!

I might wear 31 inch jeans, yet NOT being a midget, but not a ONE football player has EVER beat me in eating! I can eat one large cheeselovers pizza hut pizza in a one sitting.

Bring the challenge, I'm ready and hungry!

Ben said...

Dude, that does sound fantastic. Enough to bookmark your blog. But it's lacking. Why would you make a sandwhich this awesome and not include bbq sauce?

I'm thinking if you mix in a bottle of Dinosaur BBQ sauce OR a bottle of Mild Country Sweet Sauce, this goes from downright awesome to DAAAAAAYYYYUUUUM! THIS SHIT IS BANGIN'!

Also, if you get a chance, visit my blog and read about the Nick Tahou's Garbage Plate I consumed this past weekend. You want to talk about something skinny folk cant handle, that's it. You won't shit right for a week. My friend with Irritable Bowel Syndrome isnt ever going to speak to me again.