Monday, July 31, 2006

Benificial Beatings

The most amazing thing has happened to me. Coming back from a trip to the local Dairy Queen my wife and myself were eating large amounts of the tasty treat known as The Blizzard. Oreo happens to be my favorite. Reflecting on this awesome treat my loving wife made a remark about how she should not be eating this. Being the sarcastic person that I am, said your right you should go jog around the block. She did not find the humor in this and began beating me with a large wooden candlestick. Unable to fight back I drifting into unconsciousness and while in this state I had an out of body experience and found myself drifting through the astral planes actually glimpsing portions of the future. It seems that brain freezes combined with near death experiences allow you to ride the higher spheres glimpsing the past and the future. This is what I saw and if you would like me to go back into the astral planes and glimpse something for you please let me know the time period I should travel to.

The West Texas Area will see an explosion in Bigfoot attacks as more and more people from the city moving into the rural paradise the expansion of these small Texas towns will force the elusive murderous creatures into towns and neighborhoods in search of mates and food. Hunting these creatures will prove to be dangerous as the body hair on most hillbillies are identical to that of the Bigfoot. Scientists will look into this phenomenon will discover that these large creatures are actually the missing link and human life actually began in Texas.

After years of inbreeding and dumping their babies in dumpsters Mississippi will have created an evil race of mole people. Unlike most people from this state they will be able to speak and read English with surprising fluency, and their lairs will be littered with books and manuals on waging biological warfare and making crude nuclear weapons. Aided by terrorist organizations they will attempt to poison the Mississippi River.

Not all the visions were bad though, on Christmas holy visions will be seen throughout the land. The visions will come from your bowel movements. Peering into the porcelain toilet people will see that their shit is in the form of certain saints and these shit piles will give guidance. This time period will be full of many miracles and the general feeling towards human compassion will grow. It would also be wise to invest money into candle and air freshener companies for many people will refuse to flush this divine shit.

3 comments:

Big D said...

Holy shat?

Crazy Dan said...

That is a badass wallpaper!!!1

:P fuzzbox said...

Maybe you could hire yourself out as a shit psychic.

Did you get that Justice League meets Mallrats video link that I e-mailed you?