Thursday, July 06, 2006

Champion - Michaelm

As the first Yo Momma Champion here at West Texas Rocks, I’ve been given the opportunity to write something.
Judging from the layout, I knew it couldn’t be a memoir type of piece or anything sweet and sappy.
It had to be a rant of sorts; something that really cheeses me off and frosts my stones. Politics? Nah.
The War in Iraq? Nope, not that either.
The Dixie Chicks? Puh-leese.
How about elderly drivers? Ah, yes, now there’s something I can truly get behind. Actually, I get stuck behind them all the time.
You know the kind; they have heads that can barely reach above the steering wheel, purple and silver hair, ungodly hats and really thick corrective lenses.
They’re the ones taking that perpetual left turn as evidenced by the blinker that’s been on for the past 10 miles (while they’re driving a mind boggling 20MPH).
The tick, tick, tick never makes it to the Beltones wedged in their ears (which are more often than not as bad as their eyesight).
I once saw an old man back up into a fire hydrant, pull away and tear off a piece of bumper that went clanging to the ground; never even looked back. And we’re letting this guy drive?
I’ve thought for many years that there should be legislation drawn up that would at least test these people on a yearly basis after the age of 70.
If you’re a crusty old fart doing 25MPH on an Interstate, I got news for ya—the speed limit is 55-65 (depending on what state you live in) and you’re pissing a lot of people off. Some of us even have guns.
These antediluvian drivers run red lights, make their own lanes, drive over curbs and basically menace the general public. I’ve decided there needs to be a road test developed that will ensure the safety of all humankind.

Here are a few tasks they must do:
  • Complete one successful 3-point turn. (the 23-point beauty they pulled yesterday in the Wal-Mart parking lot just won’t cut the mustard)
  • Stop on a manhole cover (because a dime is obviously out of the question)
  • Take the vehicle through several fast-food drive thru’s without ripping the side mirrors off or causing major structural damage to the building or the car.
  • Drive a 30 mile stretch of desolate road at a steady 40 mph…backwards. (Instructor will video from another vehicle)
  • Adjust the rear view mirror without changing more than 3 lanes or losing total control of the car.
  • Distinguish the difference between red, yellow and green. (5,000 word essay)
  • Learn how to turn the directionals off without causing a 30-car pileup.

If all the tasks are completed successfully, they receive a small henna tattoo on their forehead that reads: "passed" (tattoo fades after one year)
If they fail anything at all, the vehicle is impounded immediately but they receive a new pair of Reebok’s so they can start walking home.
If in stock, they also receive a t-shirt that reads: GLAD TO BE A PEDESTRIAN.
I know, it sounds terribly harsh but don’t you feel safer already?
Footnote: Though I’ve tried to be somewhat comical, I speak from experience.I took away my father’s license after he nearly killed someone. Several years ago he got confused and was driving on the wrong side of a state highway.


:P fuzzbox said...

Excellent post Michael. I hate those old coots who are going around the world to the left. Turn off your blinkers dumbass. And what about the slowing down and rubbernecking at every intersection whether there is a stopsign, stoplight, or nothing at all.

Crazy Dan said...

I agree whooe heartdly. Instead of stopping on a manwhole cover we should just throw another old person on the road and see if they can perform a quick stop before hitting them. This way if they fail to stop they succeed in keeping the streets safe from one of there commrads.

Big D said...

Great post. Now image the elderly driving tractors. Welcome to West Texas highways.

CT said...

that's why I have a motorcycle, so I can white line it past those old bastards!!!

Ranea said...

I once overheard two old ladies talking at the phamacy. One said "Gladys I thought your eyes were too bad to drive anymore."
Gladys replied, "Hazel I can still see shadows." No kidding, true story!

michaelm said...

The rubbernecking thing kills but the directionals even more so.
The eternal turn...

Crazy Dan-
I like people that think outside the box. You should run for President.

The elderly and tractors? Hmmm...don't know if I'd ever want to go there. Whoa.

Just make sure to flip them a well deserved bird as you whoosh by...
They won't see it anyway.

That's unbelieveable. My God.
It's really comical in a very dark but disturbing way. IF they see shadows during the day, what the hell do they see at night?


InterstellarLass said...

Oh Amen. My grandfather has suffered from diabetes for over 25 years. He's half-blind, and I've banned my children from being in the car if he's driving.

debambam said...

I often worry because I passed the eyesite test even though i KNOW I shouldn't drive without my glasses...only time I need them! But at night time without them? I resemble one of these lovely drivers your referring to post mate...

michaelm said...


You're a smart woman.
That's a tough call though.


I think you have a few years to go before I'd consider you a "Senior" driver...squint!


Curare_Z said...

Congrats on the win Michaelm....and an excellent rant. My husband and I used to live next door to one of these drivers...every time we saw her even getting near her car we would run inside, lock the door, and stay put until she returned. No need putting ourselves in danger needlessly, eh?

rockyjay said...

My overdue condolences to Crazy Dan for his wedding. Nobody could stay as a single rest of their lives -- or if they do; there would be all kinds of rumors after you turn 40 and never been married. Except if you were George Clooney. And I am not even sure about him...

michaelm said...

Curare_z -

Thanks for the congrats.
It's been quite an honor to post here.
I had an uncle much like your neighbor.
When he left our house he had to go around this big bend. I can still see my father covering his eyes. Quite funny.
Don't think he ever hit anything. 'Cept our house...
Thanks again.


Melly said...

Great post, Michael. Seems you touched on a real touchy subject. My dad's slowly getting that way...

michaelm said...

Thanks, Melly.
As I said, this post was meant to be somewhat humorous but its roots are firmly in reality for mnay of us.
Thanks for visiting.