Judging from the layout, I knew it couldn’t be a memoir type of piece or anything sweet and sappy.
It had to be a rant of sorts; something that really cheeses me off and frosts my stones. Politics? Nah.
The War in Iraq? Nope, not that either.
The Dixie Chicks? Puh-leese.
How about elderly drivers? Ah, yes, now there’s something I can truly get behind. Actually, I get stuck behind them all the time.
You know the kind; they have heads that can barely reach above the steering wheel, purple and silver hair, ungodly hats and really thick corrective lenses.
They’re the ones taking that perpetual left turn as evidenced by the blinker that’s been on for the past 10 miles (while they’re driving a mind boggling 20MPH).
The tick, tick, tick never makes it to the Beltones wedged in their ears (which are more often than not as bad as their eyesight).
I once saw an old man back up into a fire hydrant, pull away and tear off a piece of bumper that went clanging to the ground; never even looked back. And we’re letting this guy drive?
I’ve thought for many years that there should be legislation drawn up that would at least test these people on a yearly basis after the age of 70.
If you’re a crusty old fart doing 25MPH on an Interstate, I got news for ya—the speed limit is 55-65 (depending on what state you live in) and you’re pissing a lot of people off. Some of us even have guns.
These antediluvian drivers run red lights, make their own lanes, drive over curbs and basically menace the general public. I’ve decided there needs to be a road test developed that will ensure the safety of all humankind.
Here are a few tasks they must do:
- Complete one successful 3-point turn. (the 23-point beauty they pulled yesterday in the Wal-Mart parking lot just won’t cut the mustard)
- Stop on a manhole cover (because a dime is obviously out of the question)
- Take the vehicle through several fast-food drive thru’s without ripping the side mirrors off or causing major structural damage to the building or the car.
- Drive a 30 mile stretch of desolate road at a steady 40 mph…backwards. (Instructor will video from another vehicle)
- Adjust the rear view mirror without changing more than 3 lanes or losing total control of the car.
- Distinguish the difference between red, yellow and green. (5,000 word essay)
- Learn how to turn the directionals off without causing a 30-car pileup.
If all the tasks are completed successfully, they receive a small henna tattoo on their forehead that reads: "passed" (tattoo fades after one year)
If they fail anything at all, the vehicle is impounded immediately but they receive a new pair of Reebok’s so they can start walking home.
If in stock, they also receive a t-shirt that reads: GLAD TO BE A PEDESTRIAN.
I know, it sounds terribly harsh but don’t you feel safer already?
Footnote: Though I’ve tried to be somewhat comical, I speak from experience.I took away my father’s license after he nearly killed someone. Several years ago he got confused and was driving on the wrong side of a state highway.