Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Stupid Pets

If I had to have a pet I would prefer a huge ass tiger like in this pic that would rip a mans head off or even a karate chopping champ but NOOOOOOOOOO we have to have a good for nothing dog. I admit it I hate dogs, I just do not see the point. Sure they are cuddly and cute but if you have sex with them its a jailable offense. On top of that you have to take care of them; making sure their feed, cleaning up after them, and making sure they don't shit all over the place. Unfortunately the idea of getting a dog was not put to a vote and I will be stuck with one of those bastards for some time. However, since I have to have one I might as well turn it into something useful so I will be teaching the little bastard to retrieve beer for me. I have even figured out the steps to complete my goal. While it may seem I am playing with him I am actually teaching me to fetch me a cold one. Here is my plan.

  • TEACH FETCHING: Start with a tennis ball, rewarding him with tasty treats. Praise the ass sniffer lavishly for each retrieval and gradually work up to harder-to-grasp objects.
  • MOVE ON TO EMPTIES: Teach your new pal to fetch empty bottles with the command, "Fetch me a beer."
  • SHOW HIM HOW TO OPEN THE FRIDGE: Train the dog to fetch a dishtowel. Then tie the towel to the door handle of the fridge and encourage him to yank the door open. Use the command, "Open the fridge."
  • COMBINE MOVES: Now all you have to do is place a few beers on the lowest shelf of the refrigerator, then order the ball licker to "Open the fridge and fetch me a beer." The first time he brings you a cold one, shower him with affection and give him an extra huge reward.


:P fuzzbox said...

I am giving this dog two weeks before you drop kick it into next week. And that looks like a lion to me. Or do you get a different Animal Planet Channel than I do?

Pixie said...

Just dont get him developing a taste for said beer. could turn into a nasty fight!

oldfartswife said...

Hey Crazy Dan
Good luck with the contest, may the best shit talker win!