A few years ago if you asked me where I was going to end up in the after life it would have been a no brainer. I would be the guy having to bend over while Satan shoved a pineapple up my ass. In the last couple of months things have changed. I have a job helping kids and I am even considering taking a few tentative steps toward going to church. I guess getting older and being married makes one go through a religious awaking or something because lately I have been thinking about it quite a bit. The question that’s most on my mind is how does one talk there way into heaven. Here is what I have come up with so far.
ADULTERY WITH SOMEONES WIFE: I think it’s a good idea to be buried with the ex-lovers picture. I bet if you show the Lord a pair of gigantic boobies he will understand the temptation was irresistible. Some of you might say "Hey, Dan God is a woman." to this I say maybe but I bet she is a lesbian and will still totally understand.
INCEST: Point out that in Genesis, the patriarch Lot has a three-way romp with his daughters and the Bible never says what he did was wrong. I bet that guy is up in Heaven, so why not me?
TAKING THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN: God is not a name. It clearly says in the bible that humans do not posses the understanding or capabilities to say God’s true name. So saying "God Damn!" technically is not breaking the 7th Commandment.
Killing Someone: I know the bible says thou shall not kill, but believe it or not there is an exception for this in the bible. If you and the victim declare war on each other, you're in the clear! So remember before you pull that trigger to say “This is war, bitch.”