For those of you that don’t know. I work at the local ISP. We offer, Dial-Up, DSL, IPTV, Phone, cell service all that communication crap. I am in the “computer” department, which basically means I do anything related to computers or Internet related. One of my job functions is computer repairs. Now, I like keeping records of computers, kind of like the Olympics. My records though are geekier. Records like most virus infections, most spyware, biggest moron, best asshole/bitch, but the most coveted record is “NASTIEST” computer. Now I’ve seen some real winners. The coke stains, the ten years of dust bunnies, and two inch coatings of nicotine, even the occasional roach. Today, I’m disgusted to announce we have a new winner. Yes, the previous amazing nicotine machine I affectionately named "Nicotine Dreams" was replaced. It is quite the sad day for you smokers. I would have thought that machine would have lasted, but alas all things come to an end. Let me give a final send-off to this glorious machine before I crown the new champion.
Farewell Nicotine Dreams
Nicotine Dreams you were a great competitor a true sportsman. You revolutionized your style with hard work, long hours, and dedication. To think of the 2 ½ inch nicotine coating you inner case and cards. Very impressive! I remember vividly having to scrape that nicotine PCI slot to remove the modem. That dingy yellow color that gave me a high after caring you back to the bench. How coworkers complained to management of the nicotine that you permeated throughout the building causing me to set up a workstation in the warehouse to finish repairs. You were a true champion of the highest accord, I salute you. You will always be in my heart, but sadly I must give your crown to a new challenger. I champion who may, like you stand the test time. I introduce… H.P. Roach!
H.P. Roach New Champion
HP Roach I could smell you before I touched you, that nauseating **schmegma-roach-nicotine aroma. How I detested having to touch you. The retches that then proceeded as a your stench suffocated my nostrils. How I nearly threw you and ran to their nearest HASMAT station for decontamination after one of your occupants graciously left the pavilion welcoming me by crawling on my hand. How your sticky coke stained case gently stayed my hand as I prayed it off. It was amazing how you made me run to the restroom to watch my hands till they bleed, just for simply having to simply touch you. The hour memory I'll have of cleaning and scraping the entire roach sewer that is the back panel of your case. The clouds of dead and live roaches with a five year build up of dust that spread to the four corners of the world when I took that high pressure hose and determinately and systematically purified your inner workings only to be left with a 1/3 inch nicotine coating. H.P. Roach you are truly amazing as I thought to pour gasoline on you and throw a match to burn the satanic demon you are. After having to contain the thought I began the repair removing your lighting damaged modem and sadly sending a poor defenseless newbie to its eventual death. May I never have to see you again and hopefully the nightmares of your life will leave me. H.P. Roach I sincerely pray to never see your better!
**Schmegma - Sticky substance formed in the uncircumcised skin of the penis due to poor hygine.