Tuesday, August 01, 2006

New Record Holder

For those of you that don’t know. I work at the local ISP. We offer, Dial-Up, DSL, IPTV, Phone, cell service all that communication crap. I am in the “computer” department, which basically means I do anything related to computers or Internet related. One of my job functions is computer repairs. Now, I like keeping records of computers, kind of like the Olympics. My records though are geekier. Records like most virus infections, most spyware, biggest moron, best asshole/bitch, but the most coveted record is “NASTIEST” computer. Now I’ve seen some real winners. The coke stains, the ten years of dust bunnies, and two inch coatings of nicotine, even the occasional roach. Today, I’m disgusted to announce we have a new winner. Yes, the previous amazing nicotine machine I affectionately named "Nicotine Dreams" was replaced. It is quite the sad day for you smokers. I would have thought that machine would have lasted, but alas all things come to an end. Let me give a final send-off to this glorious machine before I crown the new champion.

Farewell Nicotine Dreams

Nicotine Dreams you were a great competitor a true sportsman. You revolutionized your style with hard work, long hours, and dedication. To think of the 2 ½ inch nicotine coating you inner case and cards. Very impressive! I remember vividly having to scrape that nicotine PCI slot to remove the modem. That dingy yellow color that gave me a high after caring you back to the bench. How coworkers complained to management of the nicotine that you permeated throughout the building causing me to set up a workstation in the warehouse to finish repairs. You were a true champion of the highest accord, I salute you. You will always be in my heart, but sadly I must give your crown to a new challenger. I champion who may, like you stand the test time. I introduce… H.P. Roach!

H.P. Roach New Champion

HP Roach I could smell you before I touched you, that nauseating **schmegma-roach-nicotine aroma. How I detested having to touch you. The retches that then proceeded as a your stench suffocated my nostrils. How I nearly threw you and ran to their nearest HASMAT station for decontamination after one of your occupants graciously left the pavilion welcoming me by crawling on my hand. How your sticky coke stained case gently stayed my hand as I prayed it off. It was amazing how you made me run to the restroom to watch my hands till they bleed, just for simply having to simply touch you. The hour memory I'll have of cleaning and scraping the entire roach sewer that is the back panel of your case. The clouds of dead and live roaches with a five year build up of dust that spread to the four corners of the world when I took that high pressure hose and determinately and systematically purified your inner workings only to be left with a 1/3 inch nicotine coating. H.P. Roach you are truly amazing as I thought to pour gasoline on you and throw a match to burn the satanic demon you are. After having to contain the thought I began the repair removing your lighting damaged modem and sadly sending a poor defenseless newbie to its eventual death. May I never have to see you again and hopefully the nightmares of your life will leave me. H.P. Roach I sincerely pray to never see your better!

**Schmegma - Sticky substance formed in the uncircumcised skin of the penis due to poor hygine.


:P fuzzbox said...

The king is dead. Long live the New King. Sorry but I had to laugh that sounded truly nasty.

Mimi said...

Whether we want him to or not the new king will live long.

That is so nasty. I recently saw pics that showed pcs that were opened up and snakes were found inside! Not as gross but CREEPY. I would take the roach over a snake anyday.

Catch said...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....Id have to quit my job!!! I have never seen a roach but bugs make me sick! Also you ask me what the frozen paint brush was for.....well, me being the lazy kind...instead of cleaning it out I freeze it...then when I need to paint again I just thaw it out and its just like it was before I froze it. I used to throw them away after I painted instead of cleaning them out...so this little tip has saved me money. LMAO

Big D said...

Fuzz: It was funny, well it would have been funny if it were the other tech.

Mimi: Give me the snake. Roaches crepp me out.

Catch: That's brillant, I always just throw my brushes away.

phred said...

OH, HELL NO... Nicotine Dreams DEMANDS a recount...er something. To have the crown taken away by a roach is the ultimate insult. Nicotine Dreams spent many hours under the hot breath of the incurable smoker to build up all that tar . To gain the Crown by the mere chance appearance of a insect is preposterous.

May the Computer Gods inflict black screen on the roach infested computer and it`s owner cast into a eternal world of dial-up..

Big D said...

Phred: Your machine was not Nicotine Dreams it required at least 6 more years of chain smoking goodness to come remotley close. No this machine lived in a business with no less then 5 chain smokers. It was the pennacle of tobacco acheivement. The computers gods have smiled on you though as the machine is forever banished to dial-up hell.

phred said...


Big D said...

Sorry to burst your bubble there, Phred. I guess you can like some sort of live rodent to it.

Breezy said...

wow...that's pretty disgusting, damn smokers, don't they know that tobacco is wacko?