Monday, July 31, 2006

Benificial Beatings

The most amazing thing has happened to me. Coming back from a trip to the local Dairy Queen my wife and myself were eating large amounts of the tasty treat known as The Blizzard. Oreo happens to be my favorite. Reflecting on this awesome treat my loving wife made a remark about how she should not be eating this. Being the sarcastic person that I am, said your right you should go jog around the block. She did not find the humor in this and began beating me with a large wooden candlestick. Unable to fight back I drifting into unconsciousness and while in this state I had an out of body experience and found myself drifting through the astral planes actually glimpsing portions of the future. It seems that brain freezes combined with near death experiences allow you to ride the higher spheres glimpsing the past and the future. This is what I saw and if you would like me to go back into the astral planes and glimpse something for you please let me know the time period I should travel to.

The West Texas Area will see an explosion in Bigfoot attacks as more and more people from the city moving into the rural paradise the expansion of these small Texas towns will force the elusive murderous creatures into towns and neighborhoods in search of mates and food. Hunting these creatures will prove to be dangerous as the body hair on most hillbillies are identical to that of the Bigfoot. Scientists will look into this phenomenon will discover that these large creatures are actually the missing link and human life actually began in Texas.

After years of inbreeding and dumping their babies in dumpsters Mississippi will have created an evil race of mole people. Unlike most people from this state they will be able to speak and read English with surprising fluency, and their lairs will be littered with books and manuals on waging biological warfare and making crude nuclear weapons. Aided by terrorist organizations they will attempt to poison the Mississippi River.

Not all the visions were bad though, on Christmas holy visions will be seen throughout the land. The visions will come from your bowel movements. Peering into the porcelain toilet people will see that their shit is in the form of certain saints and these shit piles will give guidance. This time period will be full of many miracles and the general feeling towards human compassion will grow. It would also be wise to invest money into candle and air freshener companies for many people will refuse to flush this divine shit.

Motivations – Old School

I’m going old school maybe not over the hill school. I’m talking about 80’s cartoons. Those cartoon that sent us running home from school or getting up at six in the morning to watch these classics. Shows like He-Man, Thundercats, GI Joe and Transformers. Quality cartoons, not this shit on Saturday morning today. For the next few weeks West Texas Rocks will be reliving the eighties with some of our favorite Saturday morning quotes. We will start the motivating with tclassic quote from Sgt. Slaughter on GI Joe:

“Knowing is Half the Battle”

Friday, July 28, 2006

Updates.

I've updated the Walls. They're in the sidebar if you missed a day. Also, do you have any stupid quotes from celebrities, politicians? Send them in. I'm running low on stupid quotes. If you have an actual inspirational quote submit it too.

Thanks,

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Walk to Work

Yes, I walk to work, which apparently makes me insane in rural Texas. Every time I go on vacation to large cities I see hundreds of people walking, and I usually do when I’m there. It’s cheaper then a taxi and I like to explore. I found that walking is actually enjoyable. Granted I’m not walking 5 miles, but I don’t really see any need to fire up the Dodge Magnum for a 5 or 6 block road test. So I started walking about 6 months ago. Not being a morning person this allows me to wake up before I’m actually at the office and the walk home gives me a little time to wind down and reflect on the day. Since I started walking I feel calmer and more at ease with not only myself, but those around me. This morning when I was walking to work I saw an old lady walking in the alley picking up old aluminum cans.* I see this old lady found a can in a yard so she went to get it. Well this little puppy dog came up like it wanted to be petted and she slapped at it. Well the little turd hound jumped back to avoid the slap, but I guess he thought the old lady was playing with him so he came again to be petted. Well by this time she had picked up the can and crushed it. She then proceeded to knock the shit out of the puppy with the half full grocery sack of crushed aluminum cans. As you can imagine the dog let out a loud whine and ran further back in the lawn. The old lady came into this happy puppy’s yard and knocked the shit out of him, that’s just not right. It got me thinking maybe I should go into her yard steal her garden gnome and knock the shit out of this crotchety old bitch with a sack full of other lawn gnomes I stole. Here is hoping the puppy grows into a big dog bites your ass causing you to fall down and break a hip, only lassie is not going to be there to save you it’s going to be a rabid ole yellower. How sweet is that? It makes me smile. :)


Thoughts I had while writing this post.

* That sounds like a good project for the elderly, picking up trash. They can use there scooters to drive around picking up roadside trash. It will make them feel like useful member of society. If there taking money from my paycheck this least they can do is make the streets look clean.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Reviewed: One-X – Three Days Grace

First thoughts Bad fucking ass! Yes, my rock loving friends Three Days Grace is not your average one album and you never hear from them again band. Unlike bands like Adema, Stereomud, and Systematic who came out blaring with there first only to manufacture mainstream radio or “POP” songs in their second , the guys from Three Days Grace keep true to their roots proving this band is here to stay and is going to kick a little ass while it here. I predicted after seeing them perform their catchy single “I Hate Everything About You” in their infancy before radio play this was a band to watch out for. This CD does NOT disappoint. It could possibly be better then the first, but I'm holding off on that opinion, for now. The album is exactly what I'd hope for. After being sadly disappointed by so many bands before it's nice to see a band follow thru. I can't wait to see them perform this in concert. With songs like, Animal and Riot we are going to have some “fan-fuckin-tastic” mosh pits. If you jammed out to “I Hate Everything About You” and “Home” this is required listening for you. Loved Hinder's debut CD you should give this a listen to it's a little harder then Hinder, but several songs are in the same style. If your sitting in your little cubicle at work growing impateint, bored, and just sick of the bullshit, Let's start a RIOT and go here to give the CD a preview or here for the video of the newest single Animals.

The CD is good all the way thru. For those in customer service I almost see Animals and Riot as calling cards. Notable tracks also include Pain, On My Own, Get Out Alive, and It's All Over.


Four and Half Motherfucking Horns!

Also, if you haven't checked out Johnny Wadd's Podcast yet, what the hell are you waiting for?

Stupid Pets

If I had to have a pet I would prefer a huge ass tiger like in this pic that would rip a mans head off or even a karate chopping champ but NOOOOOOOOOO we have to have a good for nothing dog. I admit it I hate dogs, I just do not see the point. Sure they are cuddly and cute but if you have sex with them its a jailable offense. On top of that you have to take care of them; making sure their feed, cleaning up after them, and making sure they don't shit all over the place. Unfortunately the idea of getting a dog was not put to a vote and I will be stuck with one of those bastards for some time. However, since I have to have one I might as well turn it into something useful so I will be teaching the little bastard to retrieve beer for me. I have even figured out the steps to complete my goal. While it may seem I am playing with him I am actually teaching me to fetch me a cold one. Here is my plan.


  • TEACH FETCHING: Start with a tennis ball, rewarding him with tasty treats. Praise the ass sniffer lavishly for each retrieval and gradually work up to harder-to-grasp objects.
  • MOVE ON TO EMPTIES: Teach your new pal to fetch empty bottles with the command, "Fetch me a beer."
  • SHOW HIM HOW TO OPEN THE FRIDGE: Train the dog to fetch a dishtowel. Then tie the towel to the door handle of the fridge and encourage him to yank the door open. Use the command, "Open the fridge."
  • COMBINE MOVES: Now all you have to do is place a few beers on the lowest shelf of the refrigerator, then order the ball licker to "Open the fridge and fetch me a beer." The first time he brings you a cold one, shower him with affection and give him an extra huge reward.

Friday, July 21, 2006

CROSSROADS


















BIG D

Dust swirled around as the once two inseparable brothers faced each other. Big D had enough he was tired of his brothers’ arrogance and frivolity. He knew that the wise old Sage was wrong, what a fool he had been to help Crazy Dan find the lost Armor of the Metal Gods. In the end he had given in to the Brainkin and lost his way. He grew up with the slimy cocksucker and knew all along that this could not be the man to unite the clans, the clan’s need someone stronger they needed him for no woman could control his ambitions. The sages would not listen to him though no matter how great his magical prowess had become no would recognize his greatness, he would never be the manipulator that his brother was. So he secluded himself and studied what most people were to afraid of, the dark arts. The dark arts is a path few tread but he knew he would need it to defeat Crazy Dan and that magnificent Armor. With the defeat of Crazy Dan his destiny would begin and he could bring back the clans that had been scattered to the 4 corners of West Texas and united they could purge the land of impurity. With marriage of Crazy Dan to the Brainkin it was the perfect time to show his strength the destiny that he so longed for was in his grasp for this is the end of Crazy Dan.

CRAZYDAN

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

West Texas Rocks now Nationally!

It looks like West Texas has finally made it! That’s right the area I live in has finally hade the national news we are on Fox News, CNN, and now the Drudge Report. What is so special about West Texas who ask? Well it’s this little guy.



This freaky little bastard is 20lbs and has baby teeth. The lake it was caught it if you can call it a Lake is Buffalo Springs Lake. Something you may not hear on the National News is Lubbock used to dumb sewage in it. Don’t worry that was before they “sanitized” it. Yeah right. Anyway as you can see the nasty west Texas sewage has evolved this fish so that it can eat the excrement. Besides chomping down on turds it likes slow swims in urine and teasing old farmers by throwing hooks.

You can see a video over at CNN. Personally I think the thing talking in the video is way freakier then the fish. At first I thought it was a man and so does the reporter, but then I listened to and I think it’s a woman now. Whatever the “fisherperson” is they’re a hillbilly. Thanks for making West Texas look like a bunch of inbred, retarded, looking fucks.

Shat Contest

So Fuzz over at Blugstuff came over the other day and gave me a Shatman statue. Apparently he got some request to review a game site were all the characters were shit. Seriously they are turds. This would disgust most people, but the guy must have got lucky and picked the right man as Fuzz loves fart humor in every conceivable way. It’s like he's still four. If you ever decide to ride with Fuzz in a car you might as well roll down the windows because he is going to let a few lose. I once made the mistake of grabbing some fast food at Wienerschnitzel, a fast food chilidog place, with Fuzz. When we made the hour an half ride home after a number 5 which is a chili cheese burger, chili cheese fries, and a chili cheese dog I think Fuzz created his own turd action figures in his pants. It certainly smelled that way and never and I mean NEVER let him eat liver and onions if he is riding with you. That’s the smell and possibly the skid of death right there. Anyway he said he had gotten three of these statues and was going to have a contest and give one away to the best “Shat Talker” and wanted me to help judge. His initial topics were like your job and boss, but after some discussion we decided that it should be made difficult to truly bring out the best. So the topics are:

1. Ice Cream
2. Baby Kitties (my idea)
3. Masturbation

I love the “Baby Kitties” topic I mean come on its baby kitties. It was going to be puppies, but to me baby kitties sound better. I’m really looking forward to hearing some shit talk about Baby Kitties. There are going to be three judges each with different mind sets. I can tell you what I’m looking for, but the other judges may be different.



Creativity – The topics almost guarantee this but be original and make sure you read the comments ahead of you. If it sounds like someone before you already used this idea don’t use it. I will deduct points.
In Your Face – It needs to scream FUCK BABY KITTIES!
Quality – There are three topics. If you kick ass on one topic but blow the others. You can’t be named the best. You don’t have to have the longest post just get you point across.

Good Luck the winner gets this:





Tuesday, July 18, 2006

He-Man Gets High! Old School Afternoon

Am I a you tube whore, yes I am. But listening to heman and liono talk about skanks and getting fucked up is just to funny to pass up.

Happy Hoffday!

Yesterday was The Hoff’s Birthday. I didn’t have time to post it, so we will celebrate his birthday today. I am bringing back the 30 facts about the Hoff!

1.David Hasselhoff has slept with your mother and could be your father.

2.David Hasselhoff slept with every lifeguard on Baywatch.

3.David Hasselhoff slept with every lifeguard that worked for your town's pool.

4.There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet David Hasselhoff.

5.David Hasselhoff really invented Spandex.

6.David Hasselhoff invented condoms.

7.David Hasselhoff single handedly tore down the Berlin wall.

8.David Hasselhoff mother was a Banshee from Ireland.

9.David Hasselhoff can drink you under the table.

10.David Hasselhoff actually created German Death Metal.

11.David Hasselhoff was kicked out off NASCAR for being to bad ass.

12.David Hasselhoff can get you pregnant by just looking at you.

13.David Hasselhoff can travel back in time.

14.David Hasselhoff is the true "King" of Rock-N-Roll.

15.They based "The Terminator" off David Hasselhoff.

16.Merely touching a David Hasselhoff CD can get you laid by German supermodels.

17.David Hasselhoff voice is considered an aphrodisiac.

18.In Germany instead of history they teach about David Hasselhoff.

19.David Hasselhoff invented Hip Hop.

20.David Hasselhoff started the East Coast, West Coast war.

21.David Hasselhoff is a legend in the underground rap community.

22.David Hasselhoff would have kicked Hitlers ass.

23.David Hasselhoff is Odin's youngest son.

24.David Hasselhoff is not of any one nationality, but belongs to the world.

25.David Hasselhoff was kicked off the Kings of Comedy Tour for being too black.

26.David Hasselhoff was kicked off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour for being too redneck.

27.Harry Potter is really about David Hasselhoff life at school.

28.David Hasselhoff chest hair is actually magical.

29.David Hasselhoff will single handedly bring about world peace.

30. Ladies can’t resist jumping in the Hoff’s car!



Saturday, July 15, 2006

Naruto - The Movie - Tenacious D - Karate

Two of my favortie things


Naruto and Tenacios D. Don't fuck with me or I'll pull out you pubic hair

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

AMV - Ah My Goddess - Tonic - If You Could Only See

This song has been on Rockstar: Supernova the last two nights. I do not think I would classify it as a rocking song but it is a good one none the less.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Futbol rocks!

That’s right Football, Futbol, Soccer whatever you want to call it, fucking rocks. I’ve never watched this sport before it’s just not big in the West Texas area. Growing up there was baseball, basketball, and American Football. It seems soccer has a bad rap not only here, but in the states. Some say it’s boring because no one scores. I say fuck that. How many real scores are in football? We just count them as 6, because American math has to be different then everyone else’s.




A few weeks ago I was just flipping thru the stations and caught a game of the world cup, USA vs. Italy, two hours later I was ready for the next match. Sure the USA team blew, but I still enjoyed it. I don’t know all the rules, hell I don’t know any of them, but I do know athleticism and soccer is full of athletes. It’s not just running back and forth there seems to a lot of strategery in soccer. It also has less breaks and stoppage of play then NBA or NFL, which sometimes can be a pain in the ass with 500 commercials in the last 2 minutes of play. Like every sport there are some pussies that take dives, or fake injuries, but there are also those with guts that do whatever needs to be done to play.


Who would have thought that I would ever root for France on anything? Not me. I always thought they were a bunch of crybaby pussies, but one player on their team was badass, maybe it was because he is really Algerian. I don’t know, all I know is because of this guy I was cheering for them to win the cup. The only person I can compare him to would be like Michael Jordan in his glory. I always thought Jordan was mainly hype though and what I saw of Zidane there was no hype at 34 or 36 this guy was still offering schooling to his peers, while MJ at this time was either batting in the minor league or being a publicity stunt for the hapless Washington Wizards. Instead of being a pussy and diving when ever he got the chance, or in MJ case sticking his tongue out and crying foul, he gave up the ball making big assists. By controlling the ball and the tempo of the game Zidane virtually carried the French team on his back making big shoots when needed Zidane was always there and on target. Even an uninformed novice like myself could tell his talent and skill far surpassed anyone on the field. The Frenchman’s icy stare and concentration won my respect and possible a love of a new sport.


Unlike a lot of people bitching about that last head butt, I applaud it. It shows competitiveness that is lacking in a most of these high priced candy assed athletes that are only out there for media coverage and endorsement deals. Here was a guy that took his sport seriously and was truly the best at it.

Now the World Cup is over, where do I go to catch more of this sport? Is the MLS just a bunch of pussies compared to other leagues and how do you catch games from these other leagues?

Moving On

Nick may be a boy band singing pre-teen girls wet dream but after torturously watching a few episodes of newlyweds I came to respect him as a man. I would welcome a beer with him any time, yes I might even allow him to cry on my shoulder if enough supermodels were around. Jessica did him wrong but she is also one of the most annoying bitches on the planet. So my advice to Nick is to look for something younger with bigger tits... I hear Lindsey Lohan is available.



Prevent (or Cause) Nick Lachey's Suicide at LiquidGeneration!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Champion - Michaelm

As the first Yo Momma Champion here at West Texas Rocks, I’ve been given the opportunity to write something.
Judging from the layout, I knew it couldn’t be a memoir type of piece or anything sweet and sappy.
It had to be a rant of sorts; something that really cheeses me off and frosts my stones. Politics? Nah.
The War in Iraq? Nope, not that either.
The Dixie Chicks? Puh-leese.
How about elderly drivers? Ah, yes, now there’s something I can truly get behind. Actually, I get stuck behind them all the time.
You know the kind; they have heads that can barely reach above the steering wheel, purple and silver hair, ungodly hats and really thick corrective lenses.
They’re the ones taking that perpetual left turn as evidenced by the blinker that’s been on for the past 10 miles (while they’re driving a mind boggling 20MPH).
The tick, tick, tick never makes it to the Beltones wedged in their ears (which are more often than not as bad as their eyesight).
I once saw an old man back up into a fire hydrant, pull away and tear off a piece of bumper that went clanging to the ground; never even looked back. And we’re letting this guy drive?
I’ve thought for many years that there should be legislation drawn up that would at least test these people on a yearly basis after the age of 70.
If you’re a crusty old fart doing 25MPH on an Interstate, I got news for ya—the speed limit is 55-65 (depending on what state you live in) and you’re pissing a lot of people off. Some of us even have guns.
These antediluvian drivers run red lights, make their own lanes, drive over curbs and basically menace the general public. I’ve decided there needs to be a road test developed that will ensure the safety of all humankind.

Here are a few tasks they must do:
  • Complete one successful 3-point turn. (the 23-point beauty they pulled yesterday in the Wal-Mart parking lot just won’t cut the mustard)
  • Stop on a manhole cover (because a dime is obviously out of the question)
  • Take the vehicle through several fast-food drive thru’s without ripping the side mirrors off or causing major structural damage to the building or the car.
  • Drive a 30 mile stretch of desolate road at a steady 40 mph…backwards. (Instructor will video from another vehicle)
  • Adjust the rear view mirror without changing more than 3 lanes or losing total control of the car.
  • Distinguish the difference between red, yellow and green. (5,000 word essay)
  • Learn how to turn the directionals off without causing a 30-car pileup.


If all the tasks are completed successfully, they receive a small henna tattoo on their forehead that reads: "passed" (tattoo fades after one year)
If they fail anything at all, the vehicle is impounded immediately but they receive a new pair of Reebok’s so they can start walking home.
If in stock, they also receive a t-shirt that reads: GLAD TO BE A PEDESTRIAN.
I know, it sounds terribly harsh but don’t you feel safer already?
Footnote: Though I’ve tried to be somewhat comical, I speak from experience.I took away my father’s license after he nearly killed someone. Several years ago he got confused and was driving on the wrong side of a state highway.
Truth…

Monday, July 03, 2006

Best Man Toast

The wedding is finished and everything seemed for the most part to go smoothly for them so Crazy Dan is now a married man. I gave the toast and of course my public speaking sucks, I’m sure I botched the hell out of it. Here was what I was supposed to say CD and congrats.

Everyone – if I could get your attention. I'd like to say a few words.

Before beginning, I'd like to offer my sincerest gratitude to Brianna and Daniel for allowing me to be part of this special occasion. I also, would like to say thank you to (breezy parents) and (breezy other parents) for all that you've done to make this THE special day that it is. And, of course, my gratitude to Charles and Trudy McArthur for all of your support and all that you've done to make this, by all accounts, the perfect evening.

For those of you I’ve yet to meet my name is Donald and I have the MIS-fortune to be Daniel's twin brother, [PAUSE] but I have the great fortune to be his best man. Believe it or not, I am the little brother. The youngest of four boys, I'm also the most gullible and for those of you who know Daniel, well you can now imagine the misfortune. When Daniel first told me he and Breezy were getting married my immediate thought was “Great now he has an accomplice!”

Not too long ago I had a conversation with Daniel and I asked him how he knew she was the right one, and if he was really sure he wanted to get married. He just looked me in the eyes and said “You know, most people have to close their eyes to dream, but with Breezy I only have to open them.” I remembering wondering what hallmark card he read that from. [PAUSE look at Dan] I'm sorry man, it seems just a little too deep for you. But, I've known Dan forever and this is one time I knew he was telling the truth and what was really in his heart.

[Look at Dan] So to my twin brother, I love you, man. You picked a great woman.

[Look at Breezy] Brianna, you look gorgeous tonight Dan is a very lucky man. Thru your influences I've notice Daniel slowly change into a man. Let me be the first to welcome another sister to the family.

Daniel, Brianna. All one has to do is look at you two together to know your future will be a long one. So to you both, an evening of perfection, a night of bliss, a lifetime of blessings. May your home always be too small to hold those who love you.

[Raise glass] Cheers