Monday, July 31, 2006
The West Texas Area will see an explosion in Bigfoot attacks as more and more people from the city moving into the rural paradise the expansion of these small Texas towns will force the elusive murderous creatures into towns and neighborhoods in search of mates and food. Hunting these creatures will prove to be dangerous as the body hair on most hillbillies are identical to that of the Bigfoot. Scientists will look into this phenomenon will discover that these large creatures are actually the missing link and human life actually began in Texas.
After years of inbreeding and dumping their babies in dumpsters Mississippi will have created an evil race of mole people. Unlike most people from this state they will be able to speak and read English with surprising fluency, and their lairs will be littered with books and manuals on waging biological warfare and making crude nuclear weapons. Aided by terrorist organizations they will attempt to poison the Mississippi River.
Not all the visions were bad though, on Christmas holy visions will be seen throughout the land. The visions will come from your bowel movements. Peering into the porcelain toilet people will see that their shit is in the form of certain saints and these shit piles will give guidance. This time period will be full of many miracles and the general feeling towards human compassion will grow. It would also be wise to invest money into candle and air freshener companies for many people will refuse to flush this divine shit.
“Knowing is Half the Battle”
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Thoughts I had while writing this post.
* That sounds like a good project for the elderly, picking up trash. They can use there scooters to drive around picking up roadside trash. It will make them feel like useful member of society. If there taking money from my paycheck this least they can do is make the streets look clean.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The CD is good all the way thru. For those in customer service I almost see Animals and Riot as calling cards. Notable tracks also include Pain, On My Own, Get Out Alive, and It's All Over.
Also, if you haven't checked out Johnny Wadd's Podcast yet, what the hell are you waiting for?
- TEACH FETCHING: Start with a tennis ball, rewarding him with tasty treats. Praise the ass sniffer lavishly for each retrieval and gradually work up to harder-to-grasp objects.
- MOVE ON TO EMPTIES: Teach your new pal to fetch empty bottles with the command, "Fetch me a beer."
- SHOW HIM HOW TO OPEN THE FRIDGE: Train the dog to fetch a dishtowel. Then tie the towel to the door handle of the fridge and encourage him to yank the door open. Use the command, "Open the fridge."
- COMBINE MOVES: Now all you have to do is place a few beers on the lowest shelf of the refrigerator, then order the ball licker to "Open the fridge and fetch me a beer." The first time he brings you a cold one, shower him with affection and give him an extra huge reward.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Dust swirled around as the once two inseparable brothers faced each other. Big D had enough he was tired of his brothers’ arrogance and frivolity. He knew that the wise old Sage was wrong, what a fool he had been to help Crazy Dan find the lost Armor of the Metal Gods. In the end he had given in to the Brainkin and lost his way. He grew up with the slimy cocksucker and knew all along that this could not be the man to unite the clans, the clan’s need someone stronger they needed him for no woman could control his ambitions. The sages would not listen to him though no matter how great his magical prowess had become no would recognize his greatness, he would never be the manipulator that his brother was. So he secluded himself and studied what most people were to afraid of, the dark arts. The dark arts is a path few tread but he knew he would need it to defeat Crazy Dan and that magnificent Armor. With the defeat of Crazy Dan his destiny would begin and he could bring back the clans that had been scattered to the 4 corners of West Texas and united they could purge the land of impurity. With marriage of Crazy Dan to the Brainkin it was the perfect time to show his strength the destiny that he so longed for was in his grasp for this is the end of Crazy Dan.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
This freaky little bastard is 20lbs and has baby teeth. The lake it was caught it if you can call it a Lake is Buffalo Springs Lake. Something you may not hear on the National News is Lubbock used to dumb sewage in it. Don’t worry that was before they “sanitized” it. Yeah right. Anyway as you can see the nasty west Texas sewage has evolved this fish so that it can eat the excrement. Besides chomping down on turds it likes slow swims in urine and teasing old farmers by throwing hooks.
You can see a video over at CNN. Personally I think the thing talking in the video is way freakier then the fish. At first I thought it was a man and so does the reporter, but then I listened to and I think it’s a woman now. Whatever the “fisherperson” is they’re a hillbilly. Thanks for making West Texas look like a bunch of inbred, retarded, looking fucks.
1. Ice Cream
2. Baby Kitties (my idea)
I love the “Baby Kitties” topic I mean come on its baby kitties. It was going to be puppies, but to me baby kitties sound better. I’m really looking forward to hearing some shit talk about Baby Kitties. There are going to be three judges each with different mind sets. I can tell you what I’m looking for, but the other judges may be different.
• Creativity – The topics almost guarantee this but be original and make sure you read the comments ahead of you. If it sounds like someone before you already used this idea don’t use it. I will deduct points.
• In Your Face – It needs to scream FUCK BABY KITTIES!
• Quality – There are three topics. If you kick ass on one topic but blow the others. You can’t be named the best. You don’t have to have the longest post just get you point across.
Good Luck the winner gets this:
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
1.David Hasselhoff has slept with your mother and could be your father.
2.David Hasselhoff slept with every lifeguard on Baywatch.
3.David Hasselhoff slept with every lifeguard that worked for your town's pool.
4.There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet David Hasselhoff.
5.David Hasselhoff really invented Spandex.
6.David Hasselhoff invented condoms.
7.David Hasselhoff single handedly tore down the
8.David Hasselhoff mother was a Banshee from
9.David Hasselhoff can drink you under the table.
10.David Hasselhoff actually created German Death Metal.
11.David Hasselhoff was kicked out off NASCAR for being to bad ass.
12.David Hasselhoff can get you pregnant by just looking at you.
13.David Hasselhoff can travel back in time.
14.David Hasselhoff is the true "King" of Rock-N-Roll.
15.They based "The Terminator" off David Hasselhoff.
16.Merely touching a David Hasselhoff CD can get you laid by German supermodels.
17.David Hasselhoff voice is considered an aphrodisiac.
19.David Hasselhoff invented Hip Hop.
20.David Hasselhoff started the East Coast, West Coast war.
21.David Hasselhoff is a legend in the underground rap community.
22.David Hasselhoff would have kicked Hitlers ass.
23.David Hasselhoff is Odin's youngest son.
24.David Hasselhoff is not of any one nationality, but belongs to the world.
25.David Hasselhoff was kicked off the Kings of Comedy Tour for being too black.
26.David Hasselhoff was kicked off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour for being too redneck.
27.Harry Potter is really about David Hasselhoff life at school.
28.David Hasselhoff chest hair is actually magical.
29.David Hasselhoff will single handedly bring about world peace.
30. Ladies can’t resist jumping in the Hoff’s car!
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
A few weeks ago I was just flipping thru the stations and caught a game of the world cup,
Who would have thought that I would ever root for
Unlike a lot of people bitching about that last head butt, I applaud it. It shows competitiveness that is lacking in a most of these high priced candy assed athletes that are only out there for media coverage and endorsement deals. Here was a guy that took his sport seriously and was truly the best at it.
Now the World Cup is over, where do I go to catch more of this sport? Is the MLS just a bunch of pussies compared to other leagues and how do you catch games from these other leagues?
Prevent (or Cause) Nick Lachey's Suicide at LiquidGeneration!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Judging from the layout, I knew it couldn’t be a memoir type of piece or anything sweet and sappy.
It had to be a rant of sorts; something that really cheeses me off and frosts my stones. Politics? Nah.
The War in Iraq? Nope, not that either.
The Dixie Chicks? Puh-leese.
How about elderly drivers? Ah, yes, now there’s something I can truly get behind. Actually, I get stuck behind them all the time.
You know the kind; they have heads that can barely reach above the steering wheel, purple and silver hair, ungodly hats and really thick corrective lenses.
They’re the ones taking that perpetual left turn as evidenced by the blinker that’s been on for the past 10 miles (while they’re driving a mind boggling 20MPH).
The tick, tick, tick never makes it to the Beltones wedged in their ears (which are more often than not as bad as their eyesight).
I once saw an old man back up into a fire hydrant, pull away and tear off a piece of bumper that went clanging to the ground; never even looked back. And we’re letting this guy drive?
I’ve thought for many years that there should be legislation drawn up that would at least test these people on a yearly basis after the age of 70.
If you’re a crusty old fart doing 25MPH on an Interstate, I got news for ya—the speed limit is 55-65 (depending on what state you live in) and you’re pissing a lot of people off. Some of us even have guns.
These antediluvian drivers run red lights, make their own lanes, drive over curbs and basically menace the general public. I’ve decided there needs to be a road test developed that will ensure the safety of all humankind.
Here are a few tasks they must do:
- Complete one successful 3-point turn. (the 23-point beauty they pulled yesterday in the Wal-Mart parking lot just won’t cut the mustard)
- Stop on a manhole cover (because a dime is obviously out of the question)
- Take the vehicle through several fast-food drive thru’s without ripping the side mirrors off or causing major structural damage to the building or the car.
- Drive a 30 mile stretch of desolate road at a steady 40 mph…backwards. (Instructor will video from another vehicle)
- Adjust the rear view mirror without changing more than 3 lanes or losing total control of the car.
- Distinguish the difference between red, yellow and green. (5,000 word essay)
- Learn how to turn the directionals off without causing a 30-car pileup.
If all the tasks are completed successfully, they receive a small henna tattoo on their forehead that reads: "passed" (tattoo fades after one year)
If they fail anything at all, the vehicle is impounded immediately but they receive a new pair of Reebok’s so they can start walking home.
If in stock, they also receive a t-shirt that reads: GLAD TO BE A PEDESTRIAN.
I know, it sounds terribly harsh but don’t you feel safer already?
Footnote: Though I’ve tried to be somewhat comical, I speak from experience.I took away my father’s license after he nearly killed someone. Several years ago he got confused and was driving on the wrong side of a state highway.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Everyone – if I could get your attention. I'd like to say a few words.
Before beginning, I'd like to offer my sincerest gratitude to Brianna and Daniel for allowing me to be part of this special occasion. I also, would like to say thank you to (breezy parents) and (breezy other parents) for all that you've done to make this THE special day that it is. And, of course, my gratitude to Charles and Trudy McArthur for all of your support and all that you've done to make this, by all accounts, the perfect evening.
For those of you I’ve yet to meet my name is Donald and I have the MIS-fortune to be Daniel's twin brother, [PAUSE] but I have the great fortune to be his best man. Believe it or not, I am the little brother. The youngest of four boys, I'm also the most gullible and for those of you who know Daniel, well you can now imagine the misfortune. When Daniel first told me he and Breezy were getting married my immediate thought was “Great now he has an accomplice!”
Not too long ago I had a conversation with Daniel and I asked him how he knew she was the right one, and if he was really sure he wanted to get married. He just looked me in the eyes and said “You know, most people have to close their eyes to dream, but with Breezy I only have to open them.” I remembering wondering what hallmark card he read that from. [PAUSE look at Dan] I'm sorry man, it seems just a little too deep for you. But, I've known Dan forever and this is one time I knew he was telling the truth and what was really in his heart.
[Look at Dan] So to my twin brother, I love you, man. You picked a great woman.
[Look at Breezy] Brianna, you look gorgeous tonight Dan is a very lucky man. Thru your influences I've notice Daniel slowly change into a man. Let me be the first to welcome another sister to the family.
Daniel, Brianna. All one has to do is look at you two together to know your future will be a long one. So to you both, an evening of perfection, a night of bliss, a lifetime of blessings. May your home always be too small to hold those who love you.
[Raise glass] Cheers