Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The things people do in their spare time. Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 11, 2006
The following contains many spoilers, not that the movie is good enough to spoil.
First off the collapse of the Mayans might have been a cool story; however, this movie has nothing to do with the collapse of the Mayans. Apocalypto takes some tribe I guess they’re Mayan they are all at peace with the forest, yet act like they guys from Animal House. I’m not sure about the historical context, but if accurate this movie documents the first icy hot to balls prank ever. Not to mention the first hazing incident where eating raw wild boar balls is performed. Isn’t it funny how some things never change?
On a side note be prepared to see a lot of male ass in this movie, which you really aren’t that rewarded for. You do get to see some bare breasts, but for every pair of saggy boobs you view you are shown some dude’s wang.
Soon the fraternity is attacked by guys wearing bones the adults are rounded up and enslaved minus a few of women who are raped and killed. Here is the odd thing in this scene, we see all kinds of bloody violent carnage. It’s pretty gruesome, but when they go to rape a few women all of a sudden there is modesty and the warriors take them behind something. It’s not big deal to show a child you got off his dads head, but they need some privacy to gang rape an already nude woman. I’m not complaining of this, hell should have cut more of the violence out. I love violence just as much as the next guy, but damn exercise some restraint. After awhile you’re like fuck just get this over with. During this attack the chief’s son Jaguar Paw lowers his wife and two year old son into a sink hole to keep her safe and then goes back to the fight so that he could get captured. The warrior tribe ties all the enslaved people up and takes off leaving all the kids to fend for themselves, which is pretty damn heartless as you see the kids following their parents.
After a long and journey they arrive at the city with a huge temple. The women are sold and the men are painted blue and let to the temple for sacrifice. Once the get to the top of the temple the Blue Man Group makes an appearance and tries to start a musical number, but before they can the Mayan priest throws them over a slab cuts their hearts out and shows them it before they finally die. (Something I’ve long wanted to do to the Blue Man Group.) Then the executioner whose whole responsibility is to chop people heads off severs them from the bodies and rolls them down the stairs. The peasants then ensnare the heads and toss them into a huge pile of other severed heads where mothers take the blood from the head and smear it on their babies. This is when a couple in the row before me got up and walked out. The guy who saved his wife, Jaguar Paw, is then laid on the black alter and just when the Priest is about to kill him an eclipse occurs. The peasants go ape shit because of a known prophesy which says that an eclipse is precursor to the fall of the “Sun” people. The Priest takes this all in stride and says the Gods are satisfied with all the blood and Jaguar Paw and his fraternity is spared.
The frat tribe are lead down the stairs with a little relief. Where they are then told that they are free and pointed to the forest. Two of them are let go and told to run. They warrior tribe then uses them as target practice. Next Jaguar Paw and some other guy about to die are set free. Jaguar Paw escapes and on his escape ends up killing the head guy’s son, much running and Jaguar Paws ass in a loin cloth is shown for about 30 minutes. Like the fugitive he is soon trapped between the law and waterfall. Like any good innocent convict he chooses to free fall into a few hundred foot drop which leads to rapids. Feeling all bad ass and superior he decides to taunts the warriors. This is not a wise idea because the head guy then makes his warriors jump two. Three of them die but the head dude and a few lackeys survive and once again the chase is on.
On the chase it starts to rain so Jaguar Paws wife and son are in danger of drowning. Jaguar Paw is able to kill both Neidermeyer and the Head bad dude on the chase when the two final lackeys end up chasing him to a beach you didn’t know was there. On the ocean are… ships. The two lackeys become spell bound and walk to the white men rowing toward the beach. Jaguar Paw gets up to go rescue his family where and I forgot to mention his wife is pregnant and decides to go thru labor and we are shown her having the baby in this sink hole half full of water. The mom grabs the baby and Jaguar Paw shows up to see is new born son. The mom then throws the baby up to him and he pulls her and his other son out by the new born’s umbilical cord. Not really, but the way this movie was going it would not have surprised me. The end scene shows them heading into the forest.
My conclusion this movie is a total waste of money and time. Not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s pretty pointless.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Taking your vitamins used to be such a drag I remember a few stern warning that I had better do what I was told or I was going to get my butt beat. After always having to tell me and then punish me because I refused to take my vitamins mom got smart and bought the tasty chewable Flintstone vitamins. I loved those things and would sit down and devour the bottle if left unattended. Well it seems that the Drug Company and parents have gotten smart. With teen pregnancy on the rise and the age people are having sex gets lower each year they have come up with a new way for people to take birth control, chewable constraciptive pills. I am not joking now woman can choose between strawberry, grape, and (excuse the pun) cherry. Soon you should be able to buy Spoog Bob Happy Pants contraceptive chewables.
I was kinda thinking this picture would be perfect on the bottle maybe even a new flaver called Dirty Sanchez. What other new flavors can be added?