Sunday, April 30, 2006
Where does that leave the GOTD? I've thought this over. I decided I can't kill it. It's what this blog was built on. Instead of GOTD I'm going to make it Girl of the Week. I will try to post GOTW on the weekend, most likely Sunday Night. Another reason for the reinstatement, which will begin shortly, is I got a response from a previous GOTD; Kori Kitten:
"Hey this IS Kori of Korikitten.com just want to say I really like the wallpaper you made of me, it's cute.. do you have anymore?"
I didn't Kori, but to usher in the return of half naked girls on West Texas Rocks and to celebrate the birth of GOTW. Here are 3. For my loyal readers here is what you've been craving and Kori drop by anytime!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Let's round out the week with stupid celebrities. Hope you
enjoyed this weeks motivatiotions as much as I did creating them.
Click the image for a larger view. Large images are set to
1024x768 perfect for wallpaper.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Did he kill him because he hated his politics?
Did he kill him because the man spanked him as a child?
Did he kill him because the man didn't hug him enough as a child?
Did he kill him because he fucked his old lady?
No, he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
And that's Fuckin' Metal!
Somtimes we are take no prisioners here at West Texas Rocks. Then again doesn't everyone enjoy laughing at stupid celebrities. I've heard that the quote was fake, but it sounds like something that Mariah Carey would say. So I'm going to believe it's true.
Click the image for a larger view. Large images are set to
1024x768 perfect for wallpaper.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
It seems like everyone like the motivational wallpapers. Between RockyJay and Crazy Dan there are several ideas that I can play with. So why not? I will try and do a daily "motivation" some times they may be serious, other times funny, or even demotivating. Might as well start the motivating today.
---------------------------------- Crazy Dan---------------------------------
That is a great one. I feel that I need to clarify on few things though about scientology. If you were to sit down and get the facts about it with an open mind and not listening to all these whacked out baby molesting young boy ass pirating Christians you would see that it is actually a pure and great idea. It incorporates all religions and teaches to put your faith in mankind instead of dreaming and hoping that a higher power is going to do everything for you. Scientology is the religion that man can over come anything and I for one believe that man can overcome all adversity if we can learn to live together as one people. In truth our own government's subcontracts to varies Scientlogist agencies to help with drug centers and youth treatment programs.So all you people talking shit, grab a book and read about it instead of making judgements. So before you start talking shit about my man Tom eating that baby's placenta get the facts and not just a story some bullshit reporter said. IF you can't hangle that truth FUCK YOU.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Click the image for a 1024x768 wallpaper.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
How would dig them up?
Sorry, I've got nothing. Hope you had a good weekend.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
This is a little segment entitled what would you do? Not to be confused with What Would Jesus Do. I am interested in seeing just how crazy shit could get. So dont' be afraid to show me the crazy! Sound off with the crazy shit you would you do?
What would you do if you were a bus driver and owned the bus?
Sitting at the bus stop you notice the loud face-melting tunes of Metallica. Up rolls a bus with the ugliest paint job you have ever seen. For on my bus it is required that to ride you have throw up your signs and tag some graffiti on. Looking like you are the member of the Partridge Family or a Homosexual Gang you decide to board the bus. As you enter you looks to the back for a seat and notice a striper pole and a bunch of old perverts with dollar bills in thier mouths. I smile at you and offer a Quaalude because your going to need it for this trippy ride.
By the way Happy Hitlers Birthday or Pot Smoking Day, whatever your preference is.
---------------------------- Big D's Response ------------------------------------------------
What a tripy idea CD. Here is my crazy idea for a bus.
A midnight greyhound pulls in as you sit there waiting at the stop for the bus. The windows tinted black with a mysterious vibe to it, it's just a new bus you think. The old lady waiting with you attempts to enter and you hear the driver tell her this is a special membership only bus and she was not a member, she had to wait for another to arrive. You start to give up, but hear a loud Texan drawl say Howdy come on in, your on the list. You board the bus in confusing as the bus driver tells you have a seat "We have a long way to go and a short time to get there." laughs the bus driver. You board in the confusion and walk back and see the bus doesn't have regular chairs but recliners. You think how sweet this is and take a sit. There is a few passengers on the bus, but know where full. You recline your chair getting comfortable thinking you might take a nap. Just as you close your eyes you feel a soft touch on your shoulder. Looking up you see a long legged beauty with a short skirt and tight shirt around some sweet perky tits. She asks if you would like some buffalo wings and a bud light. "Hell Yes!" you say. As she bends down in her cart to fetch the beer it gives you a peak under that skirt and look at that, she has on a thong. As she hands you the beer she sees that stupid grin on your face and smiles. Like what you see she asks and she sits down in you lap and proceeds to feed you the wings. Can laugh get any sweeter you think, when the bus stops? Get the fuck out the driver tells you. You tip the nice lady a twenty and proceed to leave. Just as you start to depart I ask you. About that membership will that be cash or charge?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Dear Sir or Madam.
I would like to thank you, WTU. You are a great electric company. You truly are the best! When I think of the time you raised rates thirty percent this winter. I get shivers. The customer support at your company is without peer. When I called in last week asking about the high price of my bill, a lovely CSR reminded me, that you had warned you about that. Her tone that made me feel shameful and immoral. Just like a mere humble custumer should feel for bothering such a conversant young lady, working at a prestigious company such as yours. Why when I had to ask her name for the fourth time, it was delightful. I enjoy learning new dialects!
It's brilliant that your employee customer service representatives are located in Egypt. Who would have guessed West Texas Utilities is not based in West Texas. WTU doesn't even have offices in Texas! We truly do live in a world economy and WTU is no different. You have more employees in Islamic countries then in the United States. You fooled your customers amazingly! You sly dogs. To think of all the support that you give the people that hate America. It truely brings a tear to my eye. You're marketing team should get a good pat on the back. I'm so happy prideful and arrogant Americans such as myself can help you in this important task.
Just when I thought your company couldn't get any friendler and customer oriented. You surprised me again. I had simply had exclaim, "BRILLIANT!" When I checked my mailbox and found more great tidings. Another rise in rates! When you saw the records highs and the heat settling early here, your rapid fire team of accountants did not hesitate. With green in there eyes and joy in there hearts they informed us customers of this fantastic news. Who can blame them, people need that air conditioning in hundred degree weather, more then they need a few green pieces of paper cluttering their wallet. I even heard that fat wallets could cause back problems. The horror! I would hate to get back aches for having too much money. Thanks for looking out for my health, WTU.
I admit I felt a little sad, when I thought of all the poor people that will not be able to afford the new electric bill. That was before I realized that the sun produces a chemical called serotonin, which actually makes people feel happier. So instead of gloomily sitting at home in the cool, like the rest of us, they will be able to go outside and feel the joyous rays that are our sun and feel jubliant. So thank you, WTU for being a bunch of motherfucking greedy cocksuckers that enjoy anally raping your customers without so much as a kiss. My fondest wish for you towel head employing anal reaming billionaires is that your precious daughters marry rappers. I'm sure that will go over well at your Nazi meetings you dickless asshat wearing fucktards.
Your loyal customer,
This is yet another lesson on the blogosphere on how to write like an ass.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Cleanliness no longer means taking a shower once a month and I hate to be the man to tell you this but those days are over. For your becoming men and as a man it is your duty to repopulate the planet and get laid as many times as possible. Girls will not give you that opportunity unless you take a shower at least once a week. I hate to say this but change your underwear weekly as well. Brushing your teeth is not necessary after all porn stars don't. If you don't brush you will have to use mouthwash daily or you can substitute mouth wash with hard liquor.
Appropriateness with Girls
This was a tough subject to approach I mean how is one appropriate with females so instead of telling them how to be nicer I gave them a few pointers on what I do to keep relations with the ladies.
- Nothing says I love you like pulling on the back of a bra and letting go. The time honored tradition of bra snapping as to be passed on to each generation.
- It is never ok to hit a girl with a closed fist so the pimp slap and backhanded pimp slap was taught until I was sure they mastered the art.
- Under no conditions are you to buy tampons unless they are used as a practical joke.
- Any female hygiene problems are no concern of yours, but if you know a chick has some, be sure to tease her relentlessly.
Overall "THE TALK" went ok I am sorry I can't go over it more with you but for reasons of national security I am unable to comment more on this subject.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Friday, April 07, 2006
Public Service message number 43:
Sharks have been know to prey on land too!!
It has been along time since I have put up any nerd tests. So since I have been watching Star Wars this week I present the Star Wars test. Come on give in to the darkside people.
----------- Big D Star Wars Test ---------------------
North of Dickens in the Croton Breaks at 8:30 this morning there was a sighting of the Dickens County Tree Hugger. A witness by the name of Jason, whose last name we will no reveal, claimed that the beast had blue tinged fur and was gigantic. JAson estimated the Tree hugger at 12 foot tall. This could very well be the largest witnessed species of Bigfoot recorded, next to the Yeti. Jason also stated the Bigfoot was being aided to safety by a smaller man. Man was wearing in a blue shirt and cap with dark hair and goatee. The man then directed the Tree Hugger into the bed of his white pickup truck. Jason then reported the truck was a white Chevy Silverado that looked like a typical of work or repair vehicle. Jason was unable to identify any other markings on the truck. It was also reported by this same witness that the creature appeared in good humor. "It appeared to be laughing, but who could tell what that loud horse grumbling was?" reported the witness. The scene was searched and massive footprints were found embedded in the deep rock near the canyon. Prove collaborating Jason's story. The footprints were measured and found to be 24 inches in lenght and 11 inches in width. Another interesting find as the soul of the feet also appeared to also leave an impression. The soles showed to be tough, worn and boot like. The Tree Huggers weight is anyone's guess, but Jason reported the Tree Hugger as lanky with long strides.
What are the Tree Huggers doing out this late in the day is anyone's guess. I believe something the A-Team did disturbed their hunting grounds. Or believing their presence has been compromised they are being relocated by sympathetic members of the community. Others hint at a larger conspiracy that runs much deeper, but that remains to be seen. All I know is the Tree Huggers appear to be active. This is a very dangerous time in Dickens and other surrounding counties. I urge caution to all residents.
I will report any new details when they become available.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
At camp the team wass all tired and extremely hungry. Phred offered me some granola bars, and I wolfed those down. But like Chinese food it's just not filling. I'm a large guy, thus the nickname Big D, and I need lots of sustenance. That's when Fuzz brought out the sandwiches Angry Joyce made for us. Thanks goes out to Angry Joyce for getting up so early and making those mighty tasty sandwiches. I grabbed mine and noticed the weary looks, but bit into anyway. This was little taste of heaven. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but it was real juicy when you bit into, it just burst all over loading your taste buds with goodness. The best part though was the way it slid down you throat, almost like an oyster. Everyone else was being a bunch of pussies about them, but that just meant more for me. After I had my fill we stayed up drinking and trying to come up with a little strategery for the next day.
When we woke I had me a couple more of those tasty sandwiches, washing it down with a little Jack, as fuzz poured over the night's plan. This time we would be rearranged with me and Fuzz going undercover with the goats, Phred and Dan guarding the canyon and Cleveland on sniper duties. It didn't seem like we had to wait long, but I could tell Angry Joyce's sandwiches were starting to wear off as my belly began to grumble. That's when Fuzz spotted two chupas. Now, I know he said not to kill them, but there were two! So I figured, if I was careful not to ruin any meat when I killed it, Fuzz would be forced to BBQ it. I motioned for Fuzz to follow the smaller one. The one I was after was big, fat, and slow. In other words ripe for killin'! I used the last half of an emergency Angry Joyce sandwich to lure the creature in killin' distance just as he bent down to munch on the tasty sandwich I sliced down with Anduril cutting the head cleanly off!
Victorious the team marched back to camp discussing Chupa recipes and our new found glory. When we got back to camp Cleveland ran to his bag grabbing his insane chicken hot sauce, while CD and I gathered some wood and Phred and Fuzz started the fire. As often happens when CD and I are sent off on a work task together we end up messing it up. It started off with Crazy Dan grabbing a dead mesquite branch and trying to knock my feet out from under me, by clipping the back of my kness with the huge branch and like usual it ended up with him running away. Only this time he ran smack into Bigfoot. Crazy Dan looked up and smiled never hesitating he swung that mesquite tree branch up between Bigfoot's legs. The Bigfoot let out a massive howl and Crazy Dan came running back, smiling happily about how the Big Foot was thorny. Yeah, I thought it was rater corny too. That's when about three of its brothers came out of the mesquite.
The fight was on. Crazy Dan was just about out of bullets when Cleveland showed up. He ended up saving Crazy Dan when he had to reload. I could see them fighting off several bigfoots, but I didn't witness much of this fight as another Bigfoot proceeded to kick my ass. I remember looking up from the ground and seeing some green lights. Then I embraced the cold empty dark.
A Team Kidnapped
As I lay bloodied and unconscious a vision came. From the black emptiness a slow white fog begin to roll. A hand reached down as a deep voice said "Here take it." I looked up and it was none other then THE HOFF! "Big D" he said, "you've fought bravely and have always been a true follower." Am I dead I asked The Hoff. Then another voice came from behind me. "No, Big D, your just unconscious." I spun around and another legendary figure stood before me. THE NORRIS. What, how? I stutter. "It doesn't matter" replied the Hoff and The Norris continued "We don't have a lot of time. These aliens are NOT your friends. Today you begin down a path that you were destined for and your choices no matter how small can determine the fate of the universe." I understand I say. "No, you don't." They replied together, there voices slowly fading away. "but you will, Just remember: What would the Hoff/Norris do....."
"Big D get up, GET UP!" I opened my eyes and everything was hazy. I see Cleveland over me, pointing. "Phred is keeping the aliens at bay, but I don't know for how long!" he franticly yells. I start to remember about a the bright light just before the black. "Right, I say I'll help him. Is Crazy Dan awake?" Not yet, he replied. "Well get him awake, I'll join Phred in the fight!" Anduril was still in my hand and I rush to help fearless Phred. I see the aliens start to surround him. If I rush in with Anduril I could stab Phred.
What would the Hoff do I ask myself. He would dive head first into these sharks! So that is exactly what I did. I starting running and leaped, spearing into the alien bastards. I ended up taking three out giving Phred room to fight with the axe he must have taken from me as I lay unconscious. That's when Crazy Dan and Cleveland joined in. Cleveland was brandishing his long machete and Crazy Dan wielding Glamdring, now the fight could begin. Phred was already limping, from an injury he had sustained while fending of the hostiles.
The aliens continued to flow out of doors filling the room. "How did you stay conscientious Phred?" Crazy Dan Asked. What we later peiced together was when alien beam you aboard their ships they are apply a mild anesthesia to humans. What they didn't count on was the lingering smell of Scent-O-Doe on Phred. It confused there sensors and when they beamed us aboard, they thought they'd captured a deer by mistake. Some laughed later and joked about Phred being anally probed by a buck and aliens, but I was there. He was defending his comrades and brothers and his Scent-0-Doe ended up saving us from that fate.
The team formed a circle, finally bonding and coming together as a team, united in kicking a little Alien ass. The aliens looked much like us; they wore a blue space type suite with collar. They were pale but had sunburned red necks. The aliens were hesitant to approach the team now, when a huge door opened and smoke billowed out into the room. Crazy Dan sniffed I know that smell, that's the smell of a Bob Marley concert; you think he's alive like Elvis? The answer was giving to us shortly as Fuzz appeared holding a bud light and leaning against one of this aliens. He was pretty trashed and started talking nonsense about this was his real dad. That must have been some pretty powerful smoke. The alien smiled and I knew what was up.
Crazy Dan was the first to speak to this head alien. "I'm going to kill you!" he boldly stated. What would the Norris do? I thought. "Very well, you've won this round." I say as I nod to Crazy Dan. He sensed my thoughts and sent a throwing knife spinning thru the air. It sunk into the head of the biggest alien by Fuzz, as the alien crashed to the ground. I replied we will be taking my brother back, though. Cleveland and Phred were quick on the up take and slashed thru to get to Fuzz. "Very well, It's not over Earthling." he responds as Cleveland lunges for him, but it's to late we are standing near our truck stone cold sober looking up at huge Winnabago flying away. "I"M DRIVING" slurs Fuzz as we had off into the sunrise, wondering what's next.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Crazy Dan didn't have to work on Friday so he had already been drinking and was pretty soused by the time we started off. So the journey began. On the eleven mile trip to Tips Crazy stood up in the truck and begin to try and fling piss on passing motorists. This was quite entertaining until a car flipped a bitch and started following us. I was getting kinda anxious as we pulled into Tips with said motorist following closely on our tail. Crazy Dan Jumped out of the truck when a rather large woman exited the vehicle and waddled up to the crazy man. As she cornered Crazy Dan I thought the worse, but she merely gave him a wink and a toothless grin asking for his phone number.
Disaster averted we enter Tips. I had already got my supplies, but thought I'd go ahead and start loading up on ice. Soon as I finish throwing the ice in the truck I here Fuzz yelling at Dan to put something down. Curious what CD is up to I jog back in just in time to see Crazy Dan swing at fuzz with this giant 3 foot dildo. With Crazy Dan being drunk and a little off balance Fuzz was able to easily dodge the giant prick. Unfortunately Crazy Dan's new friend, the enormous toothless wonder, was unable to avoid that fate and ended sprawled in out in the plastic toys section. As we tackled CD and headed for the door he grabbed an inflatable sheep that set off the alarm at the door. I apologized to the security guy, he just smiled and waved us off saying it happened all the time, especially with this model. That freaked me out a little bit, but what the hell.
Phred and Cleveland helped me toss Dan in the back and we headed off to the sacred hunting grounds, Fuzz whistling a little tune. I'm not sure what it was something about every rose has a thorn. I think it was from the 80's. Yeah, he's old.
Just as we hit the hunting spot Crazy Dan gains consciousness. Hey I know this place there is a goat farm around here. This is a little troubling, but what the hell. Just then Fuzz throws on the breaks and Cleveland tumbles out the truck on his ass. "I told you not to sit on the side, Fuzz drives like a woman." I laugh. Cleveland jumps up cursing Fuzz and crying party fowl by making him spill his drink. He cheers up rather quickly as Fuzz tosses him a bud. We all feel pretty excited as Fuzz fills us in on his plan.
Sometimes in his excitement Fuzz gets a little long winded. So I start to zone out thinking about the Boom Boom Cabaret. Anyway he finishes up. So what's the plan again, I ask. I see Crasy Dan and Cleveland nodding in agreement. The only person who remembers any of the plan is Phred. Fuzz looks a little pissed and mumbles something about the Gipper, whoever the hell that is, and tells me and Cleveland to follow Phred he fill us in. I'm curious if they had similar thoughts about skipping the chupa hunt and beginning a beaver hunt.
Phred tells us to stand lookout at the entrance of the Canyon and starts in on a little strategery, but unlike Fuzz, he notices our daze looks and replies "Just stand here and don't fuck around!" He then offers us some "Scent of Doe". It smelled rather nasty so Cleveland and I passed. Phred then happily trotted away to climb up the canyon walls. It was getting pretty boring when Cleveland had the great idea to have a mock duel. It started getting serious after Cleveland beaned me in the head with Glamdring. His phone rang and it provided me with the opportunity to slam the flat of Anduril against his stomach. Cursing the phone and me he limped off to the nearest bush complaining he needed to shit.
His phone continued to ring and then I heard this loud, THAWK and a scream. I rush over to see what happened to find Cleveland pointing his gun at Fuzz telling him to bend over it's his turn. I was started laughing and soon was having a hard time breathing when the stand still came to close. Fuzz apologized about the shot to Cleveland's ass and we went back to our posts.
Just as I can get over my belly laugh I hear a blood curdling scream from up high. I rush up to the canyon telling Cleveland to stay put as his ass is sore anyway. As a climb up the small cliff I see this huge buck on top of someone. This buck is just going at it. I had never seen a buck in all its glory, but this one was definitely excited. I approach the situation with caution and realize the poor guy is Phred. I really don't have to time to laugh, but today I can honestly say this one of the most fucked up, yet funniest things I've ever seen. I point Anduril at the bucks throat and rush to stab it. The buck does not even notice the sword going throw it's throat. So blood is pouring all over poor Phred. I decide to slash at the buck instead of stab. I catch it right under the throat. Trying to take its head off the Buck staggers back and later stumbles and falls off Phred.
I hear Fuzz behind me choking. I'm not sure how long he has been there but I help Phred up and notice that Fuzz is a nice shade of purple. I go over to see if he is alright but he is just shaking. Then I notice the huge smile on his face and I realize he is just laughing. I tell him to take deep breaths and he soon recovers.
We hobble back to camp, and call an end to Friday night some cursing, some close to passing out, others laughing their asses off.