Monday, June 26, 2006

Final Countdown

The final countdown to Crazy Dan’s wedding has begun.

The bachelor party is done. The official story is Crazy Dan got together with some friends sat around in a hotel room drinking bottled water, playing monopoly and talking about our feelings. Any statements other then the official accounting are complete rumor and conjecture. There were absolutely no goats, midgets, hooters, beavers or whipping devices at said party. Anyone spreading this mean spirited rhetoric obviously has mental problems.

Hope you enjoy this week motivations.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Rachael Ray ain’t got shit on me.

That saucy Food Network star Rachael Ray ain’t got anything on me, which is sad because I can see where that would be fun. 30 minute meals? I got the beat. Try my Texas Patty Melt. Fat people, especially will love this. You skinny people might not be able to handle it.

What you need:

  • Hamburger Meat
  • Bacon
  • A jalapeño
  • Onions
  • Mushrooms
  • Chunks of cheddar cheese
  • Pepperidge Farm 5 cheese Texas Toast Garlic Bread. – Found in the frozen Food Section
  • Pantera CD

Prep it:
Throw on a little Pantera “Walk” if you have it. You’re going to eat a Texas sandwich so be sure to listen to a Texas Band. Drowning Pool also works. Also make sure you sing along, my brother Fuzz taught food is better if you sing to it. Oh and wash your fucking hands. Alright, so your hands are clean, the tunes are blaring; it’s time to cook.

Cook it:
Put a little oil in a skillet; turn your burner to medium heat. While that’s getting hot cut up your mushrooms and onions. I like lots of onions and mushrooms. You don’t have to make’em look pretty this is a hearty sandwich. Throw your mushrooms and onions into the skillet. Cut up your jalapeño into small pieces and throw it on a paper plate. You can use I bowl if you like. I’m not doing your dishes. I’ve heard wives do stuff like this, but that may just be a nasty rumor to trick single guys. Throw your cheddar chucks and meat where your jalapeños are. Mix all that shit together with your hands. You did wash your hands didn’t you? Don’t be a nasty fuck, wash your hands! Make yourself a patty. Get crazy on the patty size if you like. Grab some of that bacon and toss it into the microwave, cook until it’s crispy. Slap that patty down in the skillet with the mushrooms and onions. Get out a couple of pieces of that Texas Toast and pop into the toaster. I like my vegetables well done and my meat medium-rare to rare. So cook it to your taste. Keep in mind that if you cook over over medium into well done or medium-well you're burning the shit out of it. This is a Texas sandwich and Texans don't burn their meat. If it's not pink in the middle you're a pansy. I'm sorry I didn't make the rules. Slap all that into a sandwich; you should be able to make a sandwich without instructions. If you’re slow, the meat, onions, and mushrooms go between the bread. Also note the cheese side should be in, pointing towards the meat not your dirty hands.

Eat it:
CRAZY TASTY, and remember.
You can't be something you're not.
Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me.
A lesson learned in life, known from the dawn of time
Respect, walk.


Just in case you don't know who Rachael Ray is. Here is a wallpaper.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Proving A Point

Even though no one likes living in an institution I am going to voluntarily commit myself to the sacred institution of marriage. Reading the news I came across this little story and it made me think, "Just how far am I willing to go." It also helped understand some advice I keep getting from the men that have been married for a while and it took this story for it to really sink in. Now I know that, "yes dear," is the answer to most arguments. So from now on when I get into an argument with Mrs. Crazy I am not going to try and prove a point I am simply going to agree.

A marriage-minded man ran naked through his neighborhood, trying to show his hesitant girlfriend that taking risks is important. He got more than he bargained for when he ended up being chased and shot at. "Just when you thought you had heard everything," Ann Arbor police Detective Sgt. Jim Stephenson told The Ann Arbor News. The couple was discussing marriage early Wednesday when the woman said she wasn't sure if she was ready, according to Ann Arbor police reports. The man responded that taking risks is an important part of life and, to prove his point, jumped out of a first-floor window and ran naked across the street. Before he could return, he spotted a couple walking and hid in some bushes to avoid them. A 28-year-old man noticed the bushes rustling and bare feet underneath, then drew a .40-caliber handgun and ordered the naked man out, police said. The naked suitor ran away, but the armed man gave chase and threatened to shoot, police said. The gunman fired a shot and the naked man fell to the ground, suffering minor injuries. A resident called police, who arrested the gunman on charges of aggravated assault and carrying a concealed weapon. He was taken to the Washtenaw County jail but released following further investigation, police Sgt. Patrick Hughes told The Associated Press. The naked man was not arrested and didn't want to pursue charges, Hughes said.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Respect The Momma!!


Don't forget that the Momma insult contest is still going on and the most original and best put down wins. Its Wednesday so the compition is coming to a close so lets get dirty people.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Lifes So Empty Without Me


There has been some confusion of people thinking that Big D and me are the same people. This is untrue and I hope this clears things up as to who I am.

About me:
I am not really sure where I was born my oldest brother swears that a buzzard shit on a flat rock and the sun hatched me while my other brother said Dad cloned me for spare parts. Either way Dad seemed happy about it until he found out that I came with a twin brother, that’s when he tried to push us back in.
I was named after my great-great-grandfather, Screw Loose Dan, who told Billy the Kid that he took shits bigger then he was. Supposedly that was the first time The Kid shot someone. I think that’s enough about where I am from I will give you a brief bio of my life.
It would be stupid to try to conceal my true nature for my flaws are the stuff of legend. I am thief, a liar, an occasional murderer, an outrageous braggart, and a man devoid of even the slightest hint of honor. But, thanksgiving 1993 I pledged my life to the lady of chance if she could give me a miracle and silence the dreaded Cowboy cocksuckers so on11/25/93 the impossible happened. The Miami Dolphins defeated the Dallas Cowboys in the final seconds thanks to a Leon Lett miscalculation. From that day I knew she heard my prayers and on June 30, 2006 I will be getting married. (13 years later the same number worn by my favorite quarterback Dan Marino) Whether it is a punishment or a reward for serving her all these year I am not sure. My bride is Breezy and she is an even bigger thief then I am she has stolen my heart.


Here is a little of my bio:
Education: WTAMU (Criminal Justice, takes one to know one)
Religion: Christian (Only during Football Sunday)
Favorite restaurant: Wiener Dudes and Wednesday Steaks at the local strip club
Favorite food: Gummy boobs and anything with chili
Favorite TV shows: Anime and the Spice Channel especially on Asians
Favorite colors: bruised ass blue (Nothing like a good spanking)
Heroes: Jesus, Your Mom, My Dad, Metallica, and the guy who wrote Smokey and the Bandit.
Favorite Sports: Pro Football, College Basketball, Naked Hooters Twister
Favorite Movies: Smokey and the Bandit, Braveheart, Debbie Does Dallas

Saturday, June 10, 2006

YO MOMMA

I feel the need to talk about your mother today. Thats right you heard me. Yo Momma is so fat just to fuck the bitch I had to roll that her in flour and barely found the wet spot. That is one momma joke that I think everyone has heard before. When I was growing up you would walk to class and everyone would be ripping out those famous lines lines about someone's momma. Today you don't hear them as much sure Maxim Radio on Sirius Satellite has a program on the subject and MTV has a stupid little show hosted by that fucking retard Fez. But you don't hear the Yo Momma today. So here at West Texas Rocks in an attempt to bring back the Yo Momma joke are having our first Yo Momma contest! The Champion of this little contest will win the title of Momma Champion and have the opportunity to write a guest post for this site. Maybe your thinking thats not much of a prize but this prize may get all you blog whores out there some more hits maybe even some more readers. This contest will be going on all week so feel free to comment a Yo Momma joke on any post. Good Luck.

Yo mama's so fat, she got a "speed pass" for Dairy Queen.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Politics in the News.

Everything seems to be politics lately. From drooping a 500lb bomb on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi to Ann Coulters latest shock book. People’s minds are full of politics much to the disappointment of the Dixie Chicks. I’ll weigh in with my opinion on today’s topics and you can tell me “Hell Yeah!” or “Fuck you! That is if blogger comments begin to work anytime soon.

Abu killed in bomb search for Yogi Continues.

Kudos to our troops! Another fucking loser bites the dust. Nothing quite like dropping a 500lb bomb on his towel head wearing ass! It’s not really going to stop the terrorist, but cut the head off enough times and all you have left are the nuts. Wait, that doesn’t sound right.


Dixie Chickens a Hit in Canada!

How do you know you’re career is over? The positive thing about your new tour is you’re a hit in Canada. The Dixie Chicks have found that country music fans have a long memory. Who would have guessed? Personally, I thought generations of cousin marrying and alcoholism would have had more of a negative affect on memory, apparently not. It also doesn’t help by having songs on your new album telling your former fans to go fuck themselves and then crying about how people are mean and you have the right to say whatever you want without consequences. Sure go ahead a spout your loud mouth off without thinking. They’re only rednecks right? Well these rednecks don’t have to buy your album or more importantly see your show. Most artists make their money off tours while record companies get damn near all the money from CD sales. So when your core audience member is a Gun Toting Christian Conservative with an “I love W” bumper sticker in the deep southern red states the brightest thing may not be to continually spout liberal politics. An even worse idea is to write those politics in your music. Sure you are going to get praise from Hollywood critics, but then your ticket sales slump, you have to start canceling dates and the next thing you know your manager is telling you “You’re tour is a hit! In Canada

Liberals call skinny blond the Antichrist!

Ann Coulter has a new book Godless: The Church of Liberalism. I don’t think anyone pisses liberals off more the Ann Coulter. At one time maybe it was Rush Limbaugh. Not so anymore they just say he is a druggie. No, a skinny little blond girl pushes them over the edge these days. Ann is a little to conservative for me, but I love reading her for ideas. There is nothing like seeing a liberal froth at the mouth as you calmly explain your position with witty lines you stole from Ann Coulter. Hell feel free to quote her if you really want to see spit fly. You can try for the same effect by quoting Michael Moore to right wingers, but it’s not as intense. Usually right wingers will look at you like you’re an idiot and walk away. Liberals though are vastly different. Literally they foam at the mouth and argue while you sit back and smile. I do so enjoy provoking liberals; don’t get me wrong certain hardcore conservatives can be equally as fun. For the most fun when provoking Right Wing Christian Conservatives use gay marriage and immigration with liberal’s Bush and Iraq are the best. To really confuse someone switch your opinion in the middle of the argument and when they agree, be like I was being sarcastic. Word of caution, be sure to stand back as the epileptic spasms can be chaotic.


Thursday, June 08, 2006

Podcast

The badass DJ Johnny Wadd put out a podcast awhile ago and I just now had the chance to listen to it. I must say that it fucking rocks! I don't know how to do Big D's fancy star system he has going on but I give it a 4 1/2. The intro is perfect, good tunes, and interesting and funny content. I wish I could have given it a 5 but personally I needed to hear about at least one person getting shot, but hey thats just me. I started listening to it and just got addicted to it. Great job, you're the fucking man! -Crazy Dan



Edit: Here are the stars. And I added a link on the left side under Crazy Dan. Hopefully Johnny Wadd care I did it. If you haven't heard the podcast. Check it out. -Big D

41/2 out 5

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Bridezilla



As the wedding draws closer I find myself having to deal more and more with the infamous Bridezilla. Think of it as a child in the middle of a storm, having a tempter tantrum because she can't have a lollipop. One of the methods that I have learned is to walk away, because if there is no audience what's the point? So, if Bridezilla has no audience, who is she going to whine to? If you are being asked to do something unreasonable, say no. You don't want to say no right way, get some space from the emotion of the moment and say, let me consider what your saying I don’t fully understand and then refuse later. Sometimes this will not work and you have to just grin and bear it, when that happens relax and sing a little tune.

With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound
You can’t get away she is like a blood hound
Around the world helpless men cry
Wondering who is going to be the first to die
She clinches her fist and starts to bob around
You know its over when she knocks you to the ground

Oh no, they say she's got to go
Go go Bridezilla
Oh no, there goes Tokyo
Go go Bridezilla
Oh no, they say she's got to go
Go go Bridezilla,Oh no, there goes Tokyo
Go go Bridezilla

I would also like to thank The Girl Next Door for her tips on How to Throw a Killer Bachelor Party.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

6-6-6

Today has been claimed METAL DAY all over the radio and Internet stations! To celebrate the day many internet stations such as yahoo’s launchcast, and MTV’s urge have play lists set up for the day’s festivities. Jamming out to metal and hard rock shouldn’t need a holiday. For me it’s an everyday occurrence, for you nocives here are ten must listened to songs for tonight.

  1. Iron Maiden – “The Number of the Beast”
  2. Motley Crue – “Shout at the Devil”
  3. Black Sabbath – “Sabbath Bloody Sabbath”
  4. Iron Maiden – “Hallowed be Thy Name”
  5. Diamond Head – “Am I Evil”
  6. Pantera – Cowboys from Hell
  7. Slayer – Raining Blood
  8. Marylyn Manson – “Sweet Dreams”
  9. AC/DC – “Highway to Hell”
  10. Motorhead – Ace of Spades

Those are my ten songs to listen to today in no particular order. What are yours. Here is creepy a wallpaper for you.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Cranium

Nothing like playing a competitive game of Cranium to bring out the catty two faced personality of the female species. For those that do not know Cranium is board game that consists of drawing with and without your eyes closed. It also consists of charades, impressions, spelling forwards and backwards, answering trivia questions, and just generally having a good time making fun of each other. However, there comes a time when a line is crossed and all hell breaks loose making you spit beer out of your nose in the process. While playing Cranium this weekend with a few of Breezy’s friends some very interesting and hilarious things happened. In fact by far the funniest thing I have seen in a forever happened. Everything was going good for my team, our opposition was starting to get a little angry with each other and each round you could feel the desperation a little more. It came time for their turn and they ended up receiving a charade question.

Charades just happened to be their worst category and you could smell the dread oozing off them. With a heavy heart I read them the clue "thing" and glanced at what "thing" she would be acting out. Looking at the charade I could not help but smile and remark that this one would be an easy one for her. She grabbed the clue and told me you’re right this one is no problem for me. I was surprised by that comment seeing as how the word was "washboard abs" and she was not exactly on any exercise regiment. Well, one that I could tell. So I flip the timer over and told her to begin the first thing she does is lift up her shirt and shows her belly.

The second she does this someone yells out "STRETCHMARKS!!!." It got so quiet that you could hear a mouse fart and the poor girl quickly pulls down her shirt and has the shocked look of what the fuck all over her face. Being the gentleman that I am I knew there was only one thing I could do…. Laugh and not just a little simple laugh, but tears running down my eyes rolling on the ground laugh. Everyone was laughing. I have not seen or heard something so undoubtedly cruel but terrifyingly funny in a long time. I mean as it was I have to give it to this girl she finished the rest of the game and even came back the next day and played again. It takes a lot of courage hang out with people that just nicknamed you Stretchy.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Disease

The disease Crazy Dan and I have named bluggin' appears to be a nation wide epidemic. With many surfers unaware of what's happening and others not knowing what to do when they realize something is wrong. It's true the information out there is appalling. Just where are suffers supposed to turn to in time of need? Just how do you determine if you are infected? Hopefully we can understand this disease better thru cooperation and undestanding.

Symptoms:

Dependence: This means that blogging is central to your life. It is very difficult to cut down and leads to opening up several other blogs to fuel your desire.

Frequently this leads to isolation from family and community activities. Life begins to revolve around your blogging activities. There may lead to an increase in bills, relating to Internet usage, and computer components sometimes causing financial problems. The consequence of dependence may include frequent absence from work or school, poor job performance, loss of friends, withdrawal from normal activities and even loss of jobs.

Typically, a person with an alcohol or drug problem denies their dependency and can be quite defensive about their alcohol or drug use the same applies to blogging. Like alcohol and drug abuse this manifests from a mental issue into a physical problem. Behavior may become predictable and planned, and forwarding of cute e-mail to everyone around them may occur in severe cases.

Family and friends may be affected. A partner may try to hide the problem or even ignore it. They may find themselves taking on extra responsibilities, but be resentful and angry later posting about how there significant other is angry and how these responsibilities or bothersome and boring. They may withdraw socially and may themselves become depressed and posting about this depression. Possible even joining online cults, like Scientology.

Research by the National Blog Strategy shows that there is increasing acknowledgment that many people with blogging problems are also experiencing various other psychiatric and psychological problems. These are usually detected by sobriety, and can impact on the success of treatment services.


Example:


Fuzz partying it up!
Note the coolness and smothness of the Fuzz as he attacks his prey.


Fuzz today, notice the paling of the skin and affinity for Hawaiian shirts.





Artist rendering of Fuzz in Ten Years

Not pretty is it.

Treatment Options:

If you know someone with this serious affliction. Be calm and explain to them what's happening. In many cases the victim has no idea they are infected. Take them out and treat your friend to alcoholic beverages of their choice. If the case is severe enough for male bloggers certain clubs may need to be called upon. For women scientific studies have found only a hot lesbian encounter works. It also dramatically increases chances of recovery if the encounter is video taped and then posted on the Internet.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by West Texas Rocks.


Intervention: Fuzzbox

Some of you readers have come over from Blugstuff or read both blogs. Today I’m here to ask for your help. I believe an intervention is necessary. Yes, fuzz is addicted to blogging. I believe this addiction is starting to not only affect his life, but his speech and actions. I’ve known for awhile he might be getting a little too carried away, how can one person write three blogs and still have time to drink and watch sports? His conversions contain phrases like:
  • I wrote about that on my blog a few days ago.
  • I read about that on a blog from my blog roll.
  • Hi my name is Fuzzbox.
  • Most people just call me Fuzz.
  • I heard this funny joke on a blog.
  • My friend (insert crazy blog name)
  • Did you hear about (insert crazy blog name)
  • I really feel for (insert crazy blog name)

I kept silent trying to be an understanding brother; however, I can no longer do this. When visiting him yesterday afternoon, I noticed he was even reading about blogging in “Blogging for Dummies”. I looked skeptically at my older brother, and asked if he was learning anything. He replied a little. I think I may do a podcast. They sound like a hoot. Let me repeat that “They sound like a HOOT.” My God! What has happened? This is the man that taught Crazy Dan and I every curse word and the meaning in pre-k. The guy that broke my twin brother’s finger and took ME to the movies instead. Something must be done to halt this affliction. I urge you fellow bloggers to go to his main blog, Blugstuff and urge him to take a break. What’s next I ask you?


_________________________________________________

Trying to help the ones you love is sometimes very difficult, this loving plea was deleted by an angry and vengeful Fuzzbox. Why can't you see we only want to help you.

I know how your feeling. There are great reasons to blog, but those reasons should not be blogging in order to fit in better with the crowd, or blogging to forget your problems. Blogging a way of numbing one's senses when one wants to run away, but there's nowhere to run. Some people blog to calm their conscience because they can't live with the choices they made in their lives. Sometimes people blog in hopes that the problems and challenges they are facing in their daily lives will go away and while it's true that time heals a lot of wounds, most problems won't go away by blogging them away. When the person gets off the blog, the problems are still there and often times they've become bigger and more painful. Fuzz, I know this is tough for you but know that I will be there for you and help you take those first steps toward recovery. We love you bro and only want what's best for you.