Sunday, March 26, 2006

Why Crazy Dan is a Jackass.

I could go into many reasons why Crazy Dan is a jack ass. I love the little bastard but still his latest foray has cemented this standing. What is that you ask. This wedding of his. Many of you know that the crazy bastard has captured a woman, but lately I think this is vice versa. His wedding is taking place in July.

I counseled and begged, even offering to pay for a trip to Las Vegas to get this unholy act done. It all fell on deaf ears though. Why beg you ask? Well, being his twin brother I knew I would be best man. That's an an honor really, but the problem is I absolutely loathe people. Well being around people anyway if it's a small crowd it stills makes me anxious. Some may call this social anxiety. I just like to think I hate people, some times I can feel my anger burrowing to the surface. I alway maintain it and keep cool, but it does get close to exploding. I can feel this as my hands begin to shake and sweat. So in the interest of this Crazy Dan has agreed to never talk of his wedding plans in front of me.

On hearing of his wedding I was happy for my brother, but then he told me something that frightened me. He told me she wanted a small wedding, I said great. Then he added she asked if I had any favorite teachers I wanted to invite. What the fuck? That's not a small wedding. He laughed, but I could sense a growing anxiety in him. Later down the road as I learned of the guest list. Her size three hundred guests his maybe fifteen guests and no, I'm not exaggerating it really is that number. Still he told me no fear.

This weekend I was caught in part of his wedding discussion, That I was told wouldn't happen, where he said there was going to be a DJ or live band. This sent shivers down my spine as any type of social engaging gives me hives. Actually, I don't really know what hives are, but it has been known to make me retch. I'm going to skip that part I told him. He laughed and said no, you're the best man you have to be there. DAMN! You don't have to dance he said. That wasn't going to happen anyway, I replied. Me dance yeah fucking right!

He then added don't worry so much I'll make sure there won't be any babies there and smiled. I sickening thud hit my stomach at that moment as a stupid expression hit my face. "There are going to be babies there aren't there?" The shock and bewilderment that was on my face must have been highly amusing from his outburst of laughter. He was able regain is composure look my straight in the eyes and said probably and it will be your job as best man to kiss the babies for me. I'm pretty sure he was lying, but there is "NO way that I'm touching a baby!" I've written many times of my fear of babies. I believe they are an evil unholy thing, but that's another post.

I'm getting a little long winded here, but I want to say one last thing. Crazy Dan you're a jack ass!

15 comments:

Ranea said...

Your fear of crowds and babies seem to fall on Crazy Dan's deaf ears. But remember his only involvement in the weddind plans is to show up. But I am sure Fuzz will have your back if anyone comes at you with a baby, or request to do the Hokey Pokey.;D
Wouldn't a pic of a little green fairy look smashing next to my name?

Breezy said...

oh you know we love you big d...and don't worry, with dan wanting his own football team, i'm sure we'll be down and need to stay at your place. you will babysit right??? oh yeah, and the list has grown, the count right now is my 372 and dan's list has grown too, his is now 19. i'm sure you're as excited as i am...

starbender said...

Awwww,
U don't really hate people!?!
...U wouldn't hate me!
:)

:P fuzzbox said...

I have been practicing with the jug. How are you going with the washboard lessons. WE WILL KICK SOME JUGBAND ASS!!!

phred said...

Big D... Show up SMASHED, I mean HAMMERED.
That`ll teach em.
Muhaaaaa!!

RAVEN the PITA said...

Well I was going bring up the whole JACK AND COKE thing til Phreddie stole my thunder!!!

Big D said...

Ranea: Damn! Sorry, I'll try and remember to put that up this tonight.

Breezy: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! You suck!

Starbender: I don't know if I'd say I hateALL people, but I hate a fairly large portion. As long as you don't throw a baby at me were cool.

Fuzz: I was confused I thought we were going to challege them to a table, ladders, and chairs match?

Phred: I'm deeply considering it.

Ranea said...

Your the best man,not a politican. You don't have to kiss anything you don't want too. And who knows if there is an open bar you might feel like doing the chicken dance.LMAO :)

:P fuzzbox said...

Woo Hoo, Let's Get Ready To Rumble!!!

Breezy said...

y'all are haters...so we've got jugs and washboard, who's got the spoons???

Crazy Dan said...

It is time to face those fears about the babies.. remember a jedi has no fear.

JJ said...

Weddings can be fun... really.

The last wedding I went to, I got drunk on red wine and smoked a spliff out back. The best part is, the wedding was at the Independance Visitors' Center here in Philly. I sparked a joint across the street from the place where they wrote the Declaration of Independence. Freedom!

:P fuzzbox said...

We're not haters. We love jugs!!! Right big d.

Ranea said...

Thanz Man for my fairy she's beautiful!

rockyjay said...

There is no urge of getting married that a trip to Vegas won't cure!

You just have to get him there... whether unconscious or not.