I could go into many reasons why Crazy Dan is a jack ass. I love the little bastard but still his latest foray has cemented this standing. What is that you ask. This wedding of his. Many of you know that the crazy bastard has captured a woman, but lately I think this is vice versa. His wedding is taking place in July.
I counseled and begged, even offering to pay for a trip to Las Vegas to get this unholy act done. It all fell on deaf ears though. Why beg you ask? Well, being his twin brother I knew I would be best man. That's an an honor really, but the problem is I absolutely loathe people. Well being around people anyway if it's a small crowd it stills makes me anxious. Some may call this social anxiety. I just like to think I hate people, some times I can feel my anger burrowing to the surface. I alway maintain it and keep cool, but it does get close to exploding. I can feel this as my hands begin to shake and sweat. So in the interest of this Crazy Dan has agreed to never talk of his wedding plans in front of me.
On hearing of his wedding I was happy for my brother, but then he told me something that frightened me. He told me she wanted a small wedding, I said great. Then he added she asked if I had any favorite teachers I wanted to invite. What the fuck? That's not a small wedding. He laughed, but I could sense a growing anxiety in him. Later down the road as I learned of the guest list. Her size three hundred guests his maybe fifteen guests and no, I'm not exaggerating it really is that number. Still he told me no fear.
This weekend I was caught in part of his wedding discussion, That I was told wouldn't happen, where he said there was going to be a DJ or live band. This sent shivers down my spine as any type of social engaging gives me hives. Actually, I don't really know what hives are, but it has been known to make me retch. I'm going to skip that part I told him. He laughed and said no, you're the best man you have to be there. DAMN! You don't have to dance he said. That wasn't going to happen anyway, I replied. Me dance yeah fucking right!
He then added don't worry so much I'll make sure there won't be any babies there and smiled. I sickening thud hit my stomach at that moment as a stupid expression hit my face. "There are going to be babies there aren't there?" The shock and bewilderment that was on my face must have been highly amusing from his outburst of laughter. He was able regain is composure look my straight in the eyes and said probably and it will be your job as best man to kiss the babies for me. I'm pretty sure he was lying, but there is "NO way that I'm touching a baby!" I've written many times of my fear of babies. I believe they are an evil unholy thing, but that's another post.
I'm getting a little long winded here, but I want to say one last thing. Crazy Dan you're a jack ass!