My brother Fuzz informed me this week of a hunt. A hunt that may change the world! After reading a tale of a sweet high school girl who was attacked by a chupacabra as she traveled the dirt roads of our fair county, Fuzz was moved. Some say to tears. The benevolent Fuzz decided to bring the fight to the devilish creatures. "We can't allow our innocent little high school girls to get attacked by these fowl creatures" he told me. I totally agree. It was Matthew McConaughey that said in Dazed and Confused, "What I like about these high school girls, I keep getting older, they stay the same age", too true.
Being the studious man Fuzz is, he decided to do a little research on the subject and found that not only was he going to have to worry about the might and ferocity of the chupas, but of the superior strength and fortitude of the Bigfoot or as it's known in these parts, The Dickens County Tree Hugger. Some of you may think that's a strange name for Bigfoot. No friends, we only have Mesquite trees here and they are thorny so this is a test of strength and pain tolerance. Many a redneck has been skewered on these trees, for various reasons mainly involving alcohol.
Fuzz discussed this new Bigfoot problem, and me being the biggest guy he knew, he thought the extra power would be needed. He informed me of sites I could do some research of my own on. I would be in charge of trying to capture the Tree Hugger. He also said it would be a cold night in West Texas, the low 50's. So I decided to stock up on whiskey. It's a little known fact whiskey keeps you warm on nights like this and prevents the dreaded West Texas frost bite.
After raiding Tips Liquor and Grocery Store, I received a call from Fuzz informing me that I would need to bring my own weapons. Well I don't own and gun and the budget was already spent on other supplies. I called some other friends for aid, but they thought myself and automatic weapons were not a good combination. Bastards! No need to worry true believers! On my bedroom wall was my answer! The collection of Lord of the Rings replica swords would work perfectly. "Brilliant!" I exclaimed. With the power of Sting on my waist, Anduril with Glamdring strapped to my back, and Gimli's Axe I would bear the weight of chain mail bringing a Middle Earth hell to these abominations!
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!