Friday, March 31, 2006

The Hunt is on!

My brother Fuzz informed me this week of a hunt. A hunt that may change the world! After reading a tale of a sweet high school girl who was attacked by a chupacabra as she traveled the dirt roads of our fair county, Fuzz was moved. Some say to tears. The benevolent Fuzz decided to bring the fight to the devilish creatures. "We can't allow our innocent little high school girls to get attacked by these fowl creatures" he told me. I totally agree. It was Matthew McConaughey that said in Dazed and Confused, "What I like about these high school girls, I keep getting older, they stay the same age", too true.

Being the studious man Fuzz is, he decided to do a little research on the subject and found that not only was he going to have to worry about the might and ferocity of the chupas, but of the superior strength and fortitude of the Bigfoot or as it's known in these parts, The Dickens County Tree Hugger. Some of you may think that's a strange name for Bigfoot. No friends, we only have Mesquite trees here and they are thorny so this is a test of strength and pain tolerance. Many a redneck has been skewered on these trees, for various reasons mainly involving alcohol.

Fuzz discussed this new Bigfoot problem, and me being the biggest guy he knew, he thought the extra power would be needed. He informed me of sites I could do some research of my own on. I would be in charge of trying to capture the Tree Hugger. He also said it would be a cold night in West Texas, the low 50's. So I decided to stock up on whiskey. It's a little known fact whiskey keeps you warm on nights like this and prevents the dreaded West Texas frost bite.

After raiding Tips Liquor and Grocery Store, I received a call from Fuzz informing me that I would need to bring my own weapons. Well I don't own and gun and the budget was already spent on other supplies. I called some other friends for aid, but they thought myself and automatic weapons were not a good combination. Bastards! No need to worry true believers! On my bedroom wall was my answer! The collection of Lord of the Rings replica swords would work perfectly. "Brilliant!" I exclaimed. With the power of Sting on my waist, Anduril with Glamdring strapped to my back, and Gimli's Axe I would bear the weight of chain mail bringing a Middle Earth hell to these abominations!

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

My Night with Cisco

Hundreds of the tiniest violins play a long heartrending tune

"My Internet is down will it be up soon!"

The sad notes bring a tear to my eye,

The moon peeking its head out of the darkening sky.

Slowly the violins fade as their masters curse and they cry.

There will be no net tonight, I forlornly reply.

No blogging, no chatting, no e-mail, no porn.

What can I do?

I'm as helpless as you.

The stars shine brighter and brighter,

Hope slides slighter and slighter.

The witching hour approaches as the masses give in,

A crickety silence quite as sin.

Such a sweet tune it was, poignant and sweet.

On the morrow the violins will be playing loud and from high

Once again bringing a tear to my eye,

But for now it's me and the Cisco guy.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Why Crazy Dan is a Jackass.

I could go into many reasons why Crazy Dan is a jack ass. I love the little bastard but still his latest foray has cemented this standing. What is that you ask. This wedding of his. Many of you know that the crazy bastard has captured a woman, but lately I think this is vice versa. His wedding is taking place in July.

I counseled and begged, even offering to pay for a trip to Las Vegas to get this unholy act done. It all fell on deaf ears though. Why beg you ask? Well, being his twin brother I knew I would be best man. That's an an honor really, but the problem is I absolutely loathe people. Well being around people anyway if it's a small crowd it stills makes me anxious. Some may call this social anxiety. I just like to think I hate people, some times I can feel my anger burrowing to the surface. I alway maintain it and keep cool, but it does get close to exploding. I can feel this as my hands begin to shake and sweat. So in the interest of this Crazy Dan has agreed to never talk of his wedding plans in front of me.

On hearing of his wedding I was happy for my brother, but then he told me something that frightened me. He told me she wanted a small wedding, I said great. Then he added she asked if I had any favorite teachers I wanted to invite. What the fuck? That's not a small wedding. He laughed, but I could sense a growing anxiety in him. Later down the road as I learned of the guest list. Her size three hundred guests his maybe fifteen guests and no, I'm not exaggerating it really is that number. Still he told me no fear.

This weekend I was caught in part of his wedding discussion, That I was told wouldn't happen, where he said there was going to be a DJ or live band. This sent shivers down my spine as any type of social engaging gives me hives. Actually, I don't really know what hives are, but it has been known to make me retch. I'm going to skip that part I told him. He laughed and said no, you're the best man you have to be there. DAMN! You don't have to dance he said. That wasn't going to happen anyway, I replied. Me dance yeah fucking right!

He then added don't worry so much I'll make sure there won't be any babies there and smiled. I sickening thud hit my stomach at that moment as a stupid expression hit my face. "There are going to be babies there aren't there?" The shock and bewilderment that was on my face must have been highly amusing from his outburst of laughter. He was able regain is composure look my straight in the eyes and said probably and it will be your job as best man to kiss the babies for me. I'm pretty sure he was lying, but there is "NO way that I'm touching a baby!" I've written many times of my fear of babies. I believe they are an evil unholy thing, but that's another post.

I'm getting a little long winded here, but I want to say one last thing. Crazy Dan you're a jack ass!

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Word Origin


  • About fifteen years ago when I was but a wee lad in jr high school I overheard a group of guys bragging about earning their Red Wings. At the time I had no idea what they were talking about and when I asked them I was ridiculed and told it meant that they went down on a girl during her period. To this day I do not understand why they were bragging about this, but at least I know what it means. Who conjures up these slang words and references? It was not until last week while reading up on gang intelligence that I discovered the culprit of the Red Wings. The notorious biker gang Hells Angels are the inventors of this word. Wings are patches sewed to the jacket or displayed as tattoos, these wings denote sexual deviations or awards however you want to look at it.

    Golden: participation in a gang bang involving more than 15 men.
    White: performing cunnilingus on a white woman.
    Red: performing cunnilingus on a menstruating woman.
    Black: performing cunnilingus on a black woman.
    Yellow: performing cunnilingus on an asian woman.
    Green: performing cunnilingus on a woman infested with insects.
    Purple: performing cunnilingus on a dead woman.
    Brown: performing annalingus on a woman.

    So how many wings do you have, if it is purple I do not want to know.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Lessons from the Sage.


St. Patricks Day for me has always been somewhat special where I reflect on all the lessons my old man taught me growing up. I am not sure what our heritiage is exactly but I am positive we have some Irish in us, dear old dad drinks like a fish but I have never seen him hit mom or talk about God so i am guessing that makes us close to about 40 or so percent. At any rate on this glorious St. Patties day I am reminded of the time dad had me and my twin bro go and pick up some sticks. Well after gathering these sticks he told us to try and break the stick by hitting eachother with them. So of course we complied and broke our little wooden sticks. Next he told us to to tie a bundle of sticks together and then try to break them on each other. So we comenced to do so only this was much more difficult and we could not break the bundle. He made us stop before we killed each other and told us that each of those sticks represented one of us and the bundle represented family, alone we could easily break but if we held together nothing could break us.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Screw Robot Wars We Want Blood


I am 10 kinds of pissed off and when I get angry the crazy psycho part me is unleashed so up yours Dr. Phil here is the real way to deal with stress: Tormenting small helpless creatures that have no brains. No I do not mean your in-laws, so Angry Joyce stop trying to kick me in the nuts. I believe hamsters are the best for the simple reason that those damn squirrels are to damn sneaky and fast to catch, damn I would really love to kill me one of those right now always chewing on things and climbing on trees making those wierd noises, besides who really cares about these fuzzy rats anyway. Enjoy the instructions may the quickest and sharpest knife win. For your information my hampter Reep-a-Cheep is the undisputed hampster champion of West Texas.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Shopping Advice


When shopping with your significant other do not make small talk or sign language to other men about wanting to kill your self. This means no hand signs like
Having a gun to your head.
Pretending your being hung.
Using your hand as a knife and slashing your throat.
Even though your not doing this to hurt her feelings but, doing it to make other people laugh and lighten the mood so that shopping is more enjoyable it will result in violent nipple pinching. For some reason we are not allowed to make friends on shopping trips.
Another thing to remember, talking to other guys about anything at all even sympathizing with the poor bastard carrying the purse will result in nipple pinching or even worse the famous why can't you do that for me, which turns into a sermon about all the things you should start doing. Remember once this discussion has started taking place the only way to get out of this situation is to say these three phrases:
Yes dear
Your right
I am sorry

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

My Space Freaks


My loving fiancee decided she wanted to do this thing called my space so grudgingly I decided to put one up as well so that I would not be left out of her friends list. At any rate this whole my space thing is kinda cool you and get to meet some interesting people. For example this person that wanted to be my friend, sad to say but I had to reject her she is too weird even for me.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

GOTD: Angelica Bridges

You might have seen her in Baywatch or Playboy. She is googable. Did I just make a new word. Hell yeah! I'm copyrighting that shit! So if your at a nerd covention and meet a hot nerd and say "Hey there sexy you're sooo googable." Your bitch ass owes me money!




Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Greetings Inmate 001538954

I came across a new greeting card site called Prison Card Expressions. The idea is to send those precious incarcerated loved ones a greeting card to show how much you miss miss them. Here are some couple of samples:

I 've heard the blood in our veins is thicker than water.
I say the blood in our veins is thicker than bars and fences.
Love Always,

If I had a dime for every time I said I've missed you I'd be...
Rich
See You soon

Why do you have to have a relative or love one in prison to send them a card? A lot of lonely desparate women find true love thru the prison system or maybe you just want to brighten the day of some convict. I've got a few ideas for the Anonymous line of cards. Here are my suggestions.

Remember that time you were wrongly convicted?
Yeah, sorry about that.

I just wanted to let you know...
I'm totally screwing your old lady.
Thanks a lot!

Dear Mr. Whitey. You're now the proud grandfather of a beautiful baby girl!
Named Keisha Tamika Robinson.

Dear Mr. Whitey. Your little angels wedding was beautiful.
I only wish you were there to give her away.
Sholem

What really happens when you drop the soap?

Dear Mohammand all things are possible in Christ!

I think I'll stop on that last one. The tasteful line is getting blurry way over here.

GOTD: Heidi Rhodes



Monday, March 06, 2006

GOTD: Bettie Ballhaus

We are going to continue another week of red heads because there are so many gorgeous reheads out there and then I think he might explore blondes, bruttnetes and my favorite raven haired women. Today it's Bettie Ballhaus a german glamor model.Enjoy!




Friday, March 03, 2006

GOTD: Ashley Robbins

I think this maybe the best wallpaper I've ever created. I know it's just simple motion blur effects, but it looks really hot with this sexy redhead.



Wednesday, March 01, 2006

GOTD: Alexandra Sim-Wise

Hot British babe that won student of the year on FHM.