I was jumped... by middle schoolers.

"A UPS driver was savagely beaten by middle school students while delivering packages in the western suburbs Friday."

Was this before or after nap time? Seriously though, this is what happens when you deliver free condoms after preaching abstinence in inner city schools.

Actually, this is pretty messed up. Most of the UPS guys I've met, are nice guys and this this just plain bullshit. This was like an ambush. Where one kid stood in the middle of the road and when Thomas Murphey stoped his truck 15 or 20 little fuckers surrounded it and knocked him on the head with a metal pipe. They then proceeded to beat the living shit out of him. A passing motorist called the police and the UPS guy was taken to the hospital. No serious damage was done. The witty response from a news anchor on CBS Channel 2 in Chicago was "to think there could be kids involved, 12 or 13 year olds." Ummm... that's why it's called middle school. If I was Thomas Murphey, the UPS driver, I'd be carrying a bomb to their mom. Exercise a little breeder control.

Update: I do not condone nor would I ever take a bomb to someone's mother, guardian, or relative. Unless they were Iraqi, it was also offensive to say breeder when I meant welfare whore. Thank you.

2nd Update: I do not condone the bombing of any Iraqi or Muslim in the United States. I also apologize for my above comment of "welfare whore". I was frustrated as it is tax season. Everyone needs help sometimes; I just don't understand why it has to be me to help your unemployed ass. Thank you.


3rd Update: I do not know if it is me actually helping you. So I might not have meant you. I was speaking in generalities. I also apologize for anything else I referred to or mentioned that might have offended you. Thank you.

Ice Cream

I just Had lunch and could really go for some ice cream.

GOTD: Heidi Kristoffersen.

GOTD: Aylar Lie

Looks like I made a mistake. Extremist says Helene Rask is from Norway. I don't really know the difference, but lets find out. It's back to my travels and a layover with some Norwegian beauties. Aylar Lie was disqualified from the Miss Norway contest after it was revealed she acted in two porn movies. She also had breast implants, but I prefered the pictures before.

Donnie Darko

Do you like these movies?

Memento
The Butterfly Effect
12 Monkeys

Then you need to check out this one.

The year is 1988 set in Middlesex, just an average suburban area, it follows a genius schizophrenic named Donnie Darko. Donnie has stopped taking his medication and when his hallucination, Frank a gaint bunny, saves him from an airplane engine that mysteriously lands on his room, he learns the world is going to end in 28 days.

A new girl moves to town, her and Donnie start going out. Strange things begin to happen to Donnie as he cuts a path of destruction thru town and learns of time travel. He struggles with the meaning of fear and love and questions the existence of God.

The movie is impossible to categorize part comedy, part sci-fi, and part horror. The movie questions your perceptions of reality with a chilling ending. Jake Gyllenhaal plays the character of Donnie Darko and does an eerie job, going from clueless to psycho with a smile. You never know what to expect with Donnie Darko. One minute your laughing about the sex life of smurfs, the next your wondering what the fuck is going on. This is a movie you'll want to watch at least twice.

Make sure it's the director's cut!

GOTD ?

I'm drawing a blank this week. I have no idea what the theme should be. What do you want to see? Drop me a line.

Bless Hooters!

A new Hooter's restaurant opened in Waco Texas* to the welcome chants of protestors by some of the community leaders, but received a blessing by Monsignor Isidore Rozycki, the head Catholic priest for the Greater Waco Area. When the Baptist protest the Catholics party, that's what they** say anyway. Maybe I should look into joining. About 60 local ministers signed a petition trying to ban the Hooters from building the new restaurant saying it exploits women. I disagree with this, big surprise, right? If anyone is being exploited it's me! That's right I don't really want to give a twenty dollar tip, that's for lap dances not a "college"*** education. For the record, the Monsignor said he doesn't think Hooters deserves the bad rap it has gotten from some. He has eaten at a Dallas-area Hooters twice, he said, and enjoyed the experience. Of course you did, great food, great service, good times. I myself love the breasts! To Rozycki, offering the blessing is just another way he can reach out and serve the community. He pointed to the biblical story of Jesus eating with a tax collector, even though men in that profession were considered among the worst of sinners. He says he doesn't see how attending the Hooters event is any different. "God's image is in all of these folks," Rozycki said. Too true! "People who go to the restaurant with lust in their hearts are sure to find what they are looking for", Rozycki said. "But that would be true no matter where they went", he said, adding that the waitresses' uniforms are less revealing than what is on display at the beach or a public swimming pool. Speaking of which I think it's time to for someone to be e-mailing some HNT's. Let's go people you know you want to. Rozycki's church members approached him with the idea of the Hooters blessing which I think is awesome.

* Waco is home to Baylor University one of the largest Baptist schools in the country. Their college football team, The Baylor Bears, is a joke.

** By they I mean the Aimless Ranter. Talk about a guy who loves Hooters. If there is anyone who loves Hooters more then I, it's the Aimless Ranter whom is neither aimless nor ranting lately. I think he is sober, but I don't like to spread nasty rumors.

*** Come to think about a lot of strippers or "college" students so any way I'm helping our future leaders succeed. So the more you know and knowing is half the battle, just stay in school.

Below is a wallpaper for the girls of Waco.

Be sure to vote in the new poll --->

GOTD: Alessia Merz

First Rocket Powered Dildo!

Some say this is a rocket powered Bicycle. They also claim it can go from 0-60 in 5 seconds and is powered by a 200 pound thrust engine. We all know how the press gets facts wrong so doing some research. West Texas Rocks located the inventor a Dr. Hu G. Wang.

Big D: I would like to thank you, Mr. Wang for sitting down and talking with me.
Dr. Wang: No problem. I just want to penetrate the veil of these rumors out there.
Big D: I guess we will just head into then. It was reported on CNN and Popular Science that you invented a rocket powered bike. Why?
Dr. Wang: I never spoke with anyone from those organizations. It must have been one of my prankster interns. He probably had a good time getting those tight asses strapped to the safety device and letting it go.
Big D: Tight asses, okay. So what exactly did you invent?
Dr. Wang: I thought it was obvious. A rocket powered Dildo and their asses were too tight after that inerview I'm sure. (Note: Dr. Wang had a smug grin and creepy laugh on this remark.)
Big D: That's what I though it looked like. Why the bike?
Dr. Wang: That's a modified bicycle. It's more like a safety device. Once inserted it give quite the thrust, you know.
Big D: What about the 200lb thrust engine? Is that right?
Dr. Wang: No, it's a 200 thrust engine! We can't get it to thrust more then that. It's a patented technology. I can't really discuss the specifics.
Big D: Fair enough. It looks dangerous. Do you really think it's going to sell?
Dr. Wang: There is a market for it. It's quite fun really, would you like to try?
Big D: No! I mean no thank you, I don't actually do field work that's Crazy Dan job. I'll have to send him by. Thanks again Dr. Wang for sitting down and talking with me.

There you have it's not a bike it's a rocket powered dildo! You heard it first from West Texas Rocks.

GOTD: Alessia Merz

XXXchurch say's God kills kitten because of me!

While doing some research for a future post on JC's girls. A ministry formed by a "porn again" stripper I came across a site and a new topic for a post. I followed a link from JC's girls to a site called XXXchurch. I thought sweet porn. The site's the banner said "Number 1 Christian Porn Site". Sweet right? I've never seen Christian porn, it might be awesome. I know a lot of perverted Christians there might be some really freaky shit. Guess what? No porn! I'm thinking of a class action suit for false advertising. While I was there I found a startling fact. Did you know that every time you masturbate God kills a kitten. Just watch this video. That's some fucked up shit JC! I mean, I'm a dog person too, but damn that's a little harsh. I'm all about Bob Barker and to spade and neuter your pets, but every time I pet my snake you kill a kitten? That's just wrong.

This site XXXchurch is a total freak show. For pure entertainment I highly recommend it. Especially the forums and the hate mail. They get more hate mail from their brothers and sisters then from us perverts.

GOTD: Fernanda Goeth

GOTD: Fernanda Goeth

GOTD: Selena Spice

Spanish lessons with Shakira are going horrible. So I had to bring in another tutor. I'm sure with Selena Spice my Spanish will be nice.

CLERKS 2!!!

Holy Shit mother fuckers! It's a teaser from the man, Kevin Smith and his new movie Clerks 2: Passion of the Clerks. We've got Dante, Randall, Jason Lee, that guy I always forget (he plays Randy on Earl), Kevin Smith's wife, Ben Afflek, and of course Jay and Silent Bob. All the old hands plus Rosario Dawson, Wanda Sykes and a new Mooby restaurant, plus some other crazy cameos I'm sure. For you Smithaholics chic out the new Clerks 2 website!

Winterfresh Snowcore Tour

I was in the bathroom puking blood and Ed was having sex with an ugly fat chick... That would be the ending to the Winterfresh Snowcore Tour. The story begins at Breezy's house as myself and Ed go over and deliver the unfortunate news that she is the designated driver. That was not easy news to break to her, but after a few bruises we accomplished the task. Don't worry the doctor said I would be fine and gave me a few painkillers to numb the pain. Breezy was feeling a little guilty about making me go to the hospital so she took us to my favorite family dining restaurant, Hooters. After five or six pitchers of cold beer we realized that we were late and had missed the opening band. Breezy loads our drunk ass's in the car and proceeds to set a new speed record on I-40. Jesus must have heard Ed's prayers for we arrived more or less intact. Here are the bands as I remember them.

Haelstrom
Did not make it but the beer and scenery was nice.

Flyleaf
Made it in time for one song but it was kinda blurry. What I heard sound a lot like anal rape at the local prison.

Revolution Theory
The music was not that good but the devastation me and Ed caused during the show was outstanding. Together we managed to cripple two people and make a dozen more feel our vengeance in the pit.

Hinder
This bands music is really more catered to the female persuasion but the tunes were good even if the singer looked like a homosexual. I believe Ed enjoyed this band the most since he was feeling up all the crowd surfers. I myself was having a good time throwing them up in the air. Let it be known that I hate crowd surfers but love throwing them up in the air and watching them land on some poor shmucks head.

Dark New Day
I was looking forward to seeing this band live unfortunately they sucked so I took out all my hatred on the people around me. Then those damn crowd surfers started up again. Being on the edge of the pit, as I was, one landed on my shoulder. Seeing as how I hate crowd surfers and there was nowhere for him to go but into the pit I took the skinny bastard and power bombed him into the pit. I am sure I heard something break.

Shinedown
The beer and the adrenaline had worn off by now so I had to be led off to pasture the rest of the night. But this band was the best of the night. They really know how to put on a show.

Seether
What can I say about them they kick ass but if you have seen one Seether show you have seen them all. If you have not seen one it is defiantly worth seeing.

GOTD: Shakira

I'm going to continue this week with another round of great asses. Was that redundant? Probably, but that's ok. Here is a personal favorite. I prefer her songs in Spanish, maybe it's because I don't know what the hell she is talking about, but it makes me want to learn. Wonder if she gives private lessons?

30 Facts About David Hasselhoff

So while I was trying to sleep inspiration hit me, so I rushed to the computer to write it down. Everyone has seen the 30 reason why Chuck Norris is bad ass and Chuck Norris is bad ass, but what about that other well known pop culture icon David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff. Not much is truly known about this amazing man. So with a little research I was able to find 30 little known facts about the Hoff.

1.David Hasselhoff has slept with your mother and could be your father.
2.David Hasselhoff slept with every lifeguard on Baywatch.
3.David Hasselhoff slept with every lifeguard that worked for your town's pool.
4.There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet David Hasselhoff.
5.David Hasselhoff really invented Spandex.
6.David Hasselhoff invented condoms.
7.David Hasselhoff single handedly tore down the Berlin wall.
8.David Hasselhoff mother was a Banshee from Ireland.
9.David Hasselhoff can drink you under the table.
10.David Hasselhoff actually created German Death Metal.
11.David Hasselhoff was kicked out off NASCAR for being to bad ass.
12.David Hasselhoff can get you pregnant by just looking at you.
13.David Hasselhoff can travel back in time.
14.David Hasselhoff is the true "King" of Rock-N-Roll.
15.They based "The Terminator" off David Hasselhoff.
16.Merely touching a David Hasselhoff CD can get you laid by German supermodels.
17.David Hasselhoff voice is considered an aphrodisiac.
18.In Germany instead of history they teach about David Hasselhoff.
19.David Hasselhoff invented Hip Hop.
20.David Hasselhoff started the East Coast, West Coast war.
21.David Hasselhoff is a legend in the underground rap community.
22.David Hasselhoff would have kicked Hitlers ass.
23.David Hasselhoff is Odin's youngest son.
24.David Hasselhoff is not of any one nationality, but belongs to the world.
25.David Hasselhoff was kicked off the Kings of Comedy Tour for being too black.
26.David Hasselhoff was kicked off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour for being too redneck.
27.Harry Potter is really about David Hasselhoff life at school.
28.David Hasselhoff chest hair is actually magical.
29.David Hasselhoff will single handedly bring about world peace.
30.David Hasselhoff's video below is the greatest cinematic accomplishment ever!



Spread the word about the Hoff and he will bless you with all your wildest dreams, five minutes into writing this I've won the lottery in 5 different states and Angelina Jolie is actually having my baby!

I'm Back

Accidental Goat Sodomy was fun but not nearly as fun as I had while I was free to roam around here at West Texas Rocks. So with consent from the ever generous Big D I am back on the payroll and for my first post I am going to continue with the Search for the Holy Armor. It has been 3 months since I last wrote so I may be a little rusty but here goes.

The whole place stank like a slaughterhouse and the floor was awash with blood, most of it was his own. Each day for the past three months Crazy Dan was brought down to this room to suffer vile and painful attempts to break his spirit. The only thing keeping him sane was the sandals of peace that he had managed to steal from the three serpent women so long ago but that was just a dream all there was now was pain and the cruel laughter of his tormenters. If there was a way to escape he could not see it but unknownest to him the dwarf Fuzzbox had escaped from the Cave of Disturbed with Metal God's Helmet of Salvation and even now with the help of a Phucker they rush to rescue him.

Edit: Big D wanted this post to stay at the top for a few days. New content will hopefully be added below this daily. At least that's what the lazy bastard said.

GOTD: Mya

24 hours of hell! I don't what it was the hit me, but it tore my ass a new one. Me and the porcelain throne were better acquainted. I went on an anorexic diet for 24 hours, half a cracker. Stepped in the spine of a hooker by laying on my back for most the day, but I'm back to normal and here is what was going to be yesterday's GOTD, Mya. I will put up the last ass girl tommarrow for a special Saturday GOTD.

Female Pychology - Stripper Edition

Not too long ago my adorable fiance busted me in a little white lie. My friends decided that I was becoming a little too whipped and thought that they would take it upon themselves to set up a little intervention and bring Crazy Dan back from certain death. This "intervention" consisted of mass amounts of booze and a trip to the local strip club. Of course being the upstanding morally righteous person I am I had nothing to do with any drinking and or conversing with strippers. However, I could not help but feel a little guilty after all I did tell her that I would not go to such places ever again. Of course she found out about it and for months told me a bastard I was for going to such places. It was a long couple of months every time I turned around she was throwing it up in my face. That was until a couple of weeks ago when she got so hammered she let slip a few secrets of her own. While we were doing a bit of fooling around I happened to pull her hair. No big thing right until she says "I loved when the strippers did that." After a little more digging turns out my little goodie two shoes went to the strip club with out me. You better believe I am going to be saving this for a get of jail free card or more private entertainment.

GOTD: Jennifer Lopez

The ass that brought fat asses back. To that West Texas Rocks thanks Jennifer Lopez!

Here is the premiere Jennifer Lopez ass video "Love Don't Cost a Thing, but your immortal soul." You can do like I do and mute it, pause it, and skip to the the last 15 seconds.

GOTD: Keyra Agustina

Keyra Agustina has been featured on here before. You should be able to find a picture of her in the archives or under WTR Wallpaper. For a shortcut to her previous wallpaper click here. I think this may be one of my favorite wallpapers I love the watercolor effect I put on the "painting".

The Weekend News Update

This weekends news was filled with perverts. Right alongside the freaks the perverts also decided to pop up their... ummmmm... heads and enjoy the air that accompanied Friday the 13th.

The first story we will start with comes from yet another freak in Minnesota. Ya'll are starting to scare me, seriously I think it's time you threw some beatings the freaks way. 22-year-old Joshua Adam Gardner, who was convicted of fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct in 2003 decided for his good behavior the last several month to "tour" the local school. Adam thought it would also be grand to pretend to be a member of a royal family in Europe. Prince Caspian James Chrichton Stuart the Fourth to be exact. He was no doubt having a sweet time until a student on the school paper found the pervert's picture on a sex offender site. The principal of the school says there is no indication that he bothered anyone. I believe a cure for this problem has been found. It's called Potassium Chloride the toxic agent in the lethal injections, we occasional use it here in Texas.

Rev. Lonnie Latham, 60, senior pastor at South Tulsa Baptist Church who vehemently opposed homosexuality and preached against the topic was arrested for a single misdemeanor count of offering to engage in an act of lewdness. What was the act of lewdness? That would be offering an undercover police officer a blow job. Yes, Rev. Latham loves the cock! Latham has spoken out against same-sex marriage and in support of a directive urging the group's 42,000 churches to befriend gays and lesbians and try to convince them they can become heterosexual "if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior and reject their 'sinful, destructive lifestyle." Looks like that did work so well did it Lonnie. In another surprising twist who comes to Lonnies aid? The church, his parishioners, perhaps? No, on both counts, it was the ACLU to the rescue. This has to have the church really steaming. The church and the ACLU have always been on opposite sides of almost every issue, but who else is going to help a cock smoking pastor in the south? After his arrest, Latham resigned from his church, the board of directors of the Baptist General Convention of Oklahoma and the executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention. "The Supreme Court has made it clear that consenting adults are free to do what they wish in the privacy of their own homes, If you follow the logic of the Oklahoma City police, everyone who tries to pick someone up at a bar is a criminal." said an ACLU attorney. Oklahoma County District Attorney, Wes Lane responded saying Oklahoma law prohibits a person from offering to engage in a lewd act "regardless of whether money is sought for or engaged." It's like we Texans have said for years, the only reason Texas doesn't fall into the Gulf of Mexico is Oklahoma sucks! Now we just know what they suck.

GOTD: Vida Guerra

It's only fair that we explore the area of fine ass! If you like onions this may make you cry. here's a triple feature to start your Monday off right!

Friday the 13th

It's Friday the 13th and just like you would expect the freaks are out and the odd news is running amok. Amok? Ummmm, anyway. What story to post?

Should it be about Paul Stanley's hip replacement? There are so many jokes I can use to laugh at the middle aged and almost elderly Kiss fans.

Possibly the story of the white supremacist carjacker from Dallas whose mom called and threatened to kill his victims if they pressed charges. Again lots of jokes can be had. Maybe one about experiencing a little dark meat in prison.

I could voice my opinion on the moronic Pat Robinson, but it looks like Israel just cost him about 50 million in revenue so karma is doing that for me. Thanks Earl!

No friends it's Friday the 13th only the best story will do and for that story we go to Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey has entered the gubernatorial race under the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party ticket. Mr. Sharkey is not a mere pagan my friends, but a true life vampyre. Yes, Amazing! The impaler said "Unlike other candidates, I'm not going to hide my evil side." And why should you? His platform includes tax breaks for farmers, emphases on education, and more benefits for veterans. He also supports the impaling of terrorist, rapist, and other criminals on the steps of the capital. What exactly does the term "other criminals" mean? I'm not sure, but I think jay walkers may be included. I would also like to include people who use cell phones in theaters, restaurants, bathrooms, or while driving. Why not just include anyone who annoys me. Now that is a sovereign policy. Although this newest candidate worships Satan and calls the Lord his "Mortal Enemy" he has nothing against Christians and thinks that everyone enjoys watching an old fashion impaling. TOO TRUE! Mr. Sharkey served in the air force, but was forced to leave after a parachuting accident. No idea if he landed on his head, but I would think that was a given.

GOTD: Ewa Sonnet

This big breasted beauty is from Poland.

GOTD: Don't know

Baby Dolls

Notice anything funny about the above news clipping? This highlight came from yesterday's Lubbock Avalanche Journal, a local newspaper. The news story is about Baby Dolls, Lubbock's lone topless bar, being denied an application for a sexually oriented business license. This alone is indeed a very sad day, but the picture next to the story makes up for the sad news. Perhaps it was the conversation in the break room where the paper was brought to my attention by a coworker pointing out the comedy. We both started laughing when a woman picked up the paper and covered up the story and told us the little girl is cute without this nasty little story next to her, to which my friend replied. "I still don't want to see her naked!" This comment sent me over the edge as I turned red from lack of oxygen, both from the witty comment and the look of shock on the woman's face. Priceless!

GOTD: Taylor Kennedy

Stolen Idea!

I thought this SNL Skit was hilarious and the way it was deliverd was pretty badass. I have got to give credit to heelhook over at Dairy of a Fat Boy. Sorry I stole your idea! The video is from You Tube check it out it's free.

Sometimes You Just Have Too Much Shit.

A woman was reported missing by her husband in Washington state. The 62 year old was later found in her home under 6 feet of dirty laundry. Hey, I think I know that song!

Mrs. Suzy homemaker washed clothes everyday,

until one day she kissed her chores goodbye.

Looking everywhere for that ringing cell,

and when the clothes crashed down she thought.

"Well isn't this nice..."

And isn't it ironic...dontcha think"

Who knew Alanis Morissette was a profit? Officers of the Shelton Police Department had to climb over the top of clothes and debris that sometimes reached so high their heads touched the ceiling. After 10 hours of searching the officers discovered the poor woman's body under a pile of these colthes. It's probably in bad taste that I make fun of this, but seriously that's a lot of clothes and I never said I had taste.

GOTD: Allison Angel

SUUU WEEEE

Damn, I'm, about to tell one of those in my day stories. I'm only 26 it's not like I'm 40, but what the fuck is up with all this PC shit. When I was in high school and we played or I even talked to anyone from a school in the north of the county I always laughed at them and called them a bunch of Pig Fuckers. That was our chant when we played Patton Springs "PIGGGGG FUCKERSSSS! SUUU WEEEEEE!" I guess you can't do that anymore. At least in Wisconsin because school officials are apologizing for a chant that fans started at a basketball game. Apparently Middleton high school is a fairly wealthy school and they played their inner city rival making up some quite hilarious shit talk, by chanting "food stamps, food stamps" and "Os-car May-er" during a game against Madison East. Didn't seem to help as they lost by 11. Still it's all in good fun. I mean should you judge Patton Springs just because a few students love pigs on an intimate level?

GOTD: Miriam Gonzalez

I was really lazy last week and I didn't even finish the GOTD of the week before. So let's see if I can get it right this week. We will try BIG boobs again. I do so love large breats. I may stick with natural, but I don't want you to think I'm prejudice so you might see some salene. I'm not sure yet.

Best College Team in History?

Fuck you ESPN! They weren't even the best team in the Rose Bowl. GO TEXAS!