Monday, April 10, 2006
What did you do on the weekend?
As generally happens on a Monday you discuss what you did on the weekend with your co-workers. Usually I can recall at least one activity or purpose for my weekend. Whether it be sleeping or getting monstrously drunk. However, today I can't. Crazy Dan came down for a visit, but he was not here long. I was unable to sleep to noon like usual, which is sad. I did try to attempt organizing and cleaning the garage, but that only lasted for about 15 minutes, before I decided it was a lost cause. I only watched one movie, Crash. By the way, believe the hype it was awesome. Other then that what the hell occupied my time? I think the aliens must have kidnapped me because there is no way today should be Monday!
Friday, April 07, 2006
Public Service message number 43:
Public Service message number 43:
Sharks have been know to prey on land too!!
It has been along time since I have put up any nerd tests. So since I have been watching Star Wars this week I present the Star Wars test. Come on give in to the darkside people.
----------- Big D Star Wars Test ---------------------
Tree Hugger Sighting.
-------------------- Developing --------------------
North of Dickens in the Croton Breaks at 8:30 this morning there was a sighting of the Dickens County Tree Hugger. A witness by the name of Jason, whose last name we will no reveal, claimed that the beast had blue tinged fur and was gigantic. JAson estimated the Tree hugger at 12 foot tall. This could very well be the largest witnessed species of Bigfoot recorded, next to the Yeti. Jason also stated the Bigfoot was being aided to safety by a smaller man. Man was wearing in a blue shirt and cap with dark hair and goatee. The man then directed the Tree Hugger into the bed of his white pickup truck. Jason then reported the truck was a white Chevy Silverado that looked like a typical of work or repair vehicle. Jason was unable to identify any other markings on the truck. It was also reported by this same witness that the creature appeared in good humor. "It appeared to be laughing, but who could tell what that loud horse grumbling was?" reported the witness. The scene was searched and massive footprints were found embedded in the deep rock near the canyon. Prove collaborating Jason's story. The footprints were measured and found to be 24 inches in lenght and 11 inches in width. Another interesting find as the soul of the feet also appeared to also leave an impression. The soles showed to be tough, worn and boot like. The Tree Huggers weight is anyone's guess, but Jason reported the Tree Hugger as lanky with long strides.
What are the Tree Huggers doing out this late in the day is anyone's guess. I believe something the A-Team did disturbed their hunting grounds. Or believing their presence has been compromised they are being relocated by sympathetic members of the community. Others hint at a larger conspiracy that runs much deeper, but that remains to be seen. All I know is the Tree Huggers appear to be active. This is a very dangerous time in Dickens and other surrounding counties. I urge caution to all residents.
I will report any new details when they become available.
-------------------- End --------------------
Thursday, April 06, 2006
I build a template.
I just finished a template for anelize over at More of the Same. Go check her new blog out.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The Hunt closes the quest begins!
Chupa Captured
At camp the team wass all tired and extremely hungry. Phred offered me some granola bars, and I wolfed those down. But like Chinese food it's just not filling. I'm a large guy, thus the nickname Big D, and I need lots of sustenance. That's when Fuzz brought out the sandwiches Angry Joyce made for us. Thanks goes out to Angry Joyce for getting up so early and making those mighty tasty sandwiches. I grabbed mine and noticed the weary looks, but bit into anyway. This was little taste of heaven. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but it was real juicy when you bit into, it just burst all over loading your taste buds with goodness. The best part though was the way it slid down you throat, almost like an oyster. Everyone else was being a bunch of pussies about them, but that just meant more for me. After I had my fill we stayed up drinking and trying to come up with a little strategery for the next day.
When we woke I had me a couple more of those tasty sandwiches, washing it down with a little Jack, as fuzz poured over the night's plan. This time we would be rearranged with me and Fuzz going undercover with the goats, Phred and Dan guarding the canyon and Cleveland on sniper duties. It didn't seem like we had to wait long, but I could tell Angry Joyce's sandwiches were starting to wear off as my belly began to grumble. That's when Fuzz spotted two chupas. Now, I know he said not to kill them, but there were two! So I figured, if I was careful not to ruin any meat when I killed it, Fuzz would be forced to BBQ it. I motioned for Fuzz to follow the smaller one. The one I was after was big, fat, and slow. In other words ripe for killin'! I used the last half of an emergency Angry Joyce sandwich to lure the creature in killin' distance just as he bent down to munch on the tasty sandwich I sliced down with Anduril cutting the head cleanly off!
Bigfoot Brawl.
Victorious the team marched back to camp discussing Chupa recipes and our new found glory. When we got back to camp Cleveland ran to his bag grabbing his insane chicken hot sauce, while CD and I gathered some wood and Phred and Fuzz started the fire. As often happens when CD and I are sent off on a work task together we end up messing it up. It started off with Crazy Dan grabbing a dead mesquite branch and trying to knock my feet out from under me, by clipping the back of my kness with the huge branch and like usual it ended up with him running away. Only this time he ran smack into Bigfoot. Crazy Dan looked up and smiled never hesitating he swung that mesquite tree branch up between Bigfoot's legs. The Bigfoot let out a massive howl and Crazy Dan came running back, smiling happily about how the Big Foot was thorny. Yeah, I thought it was rater corny too. That's when about three of its brothers came out of the mesquite.
The fight was on. Crazy Dan was just about out of bullets when Cleveland showed up. He ended up saving Crazy Dan when he had to reload. I could see them fighting off several bigfoots, but I didn't witness much of this fight as another Bigfoot proceeded to kick my ass. I remember looking up from the ground and seeing some green lights. Then I embraced the cold empty dark.
A Team Kidnapped
As I lay bloodied and unconscious a vision came. From the black emptiness a slow white fog begin to roll. A hand reached down as a deep voice said "Here take it." I looked up and it was none other then THE HOFF! "Big D" he said, "you've fought bravely and have always been a true follower." Am I dead I asked The Hoff. Then another voice came from behind me. "No, Big D, your just unconscious." I spun around and another legendary figure stood before me. THE NORRIS. What, how? I stutter. "It doesn't matter" replied the Hoff and The Norris continued "We don't have a lot of time. These aliens are NOT your friends. Today you begin down a path that you were destined for and your choices no matter how small can determine the fate of the universe." I understand I say. "No, you don't." They replied together, there voices slowly fading away. "but you will, Just remember: What would the Hoff/Norris do....."
"Big D get up, GET UP!" I opened my eyes and everything was hazy. I see Cleveland over me, pointing. "Phred is keeping the aliens at bay, but I don't know for how long!" he franticly yells. I start to remember about a the bright light just before the black. "Right, I say I'll help him. Is Crazy Dan awake?" Not yet, he replied. "Well get him awake, I'll join Phred in the fight!" Anduril was still in my hand and I rush to help fearless Phred. I see the aliens start to surround him. If I rush in with Anduril I could stab Phred.
Aliens Attacked.
What would the Hoff do I ask myself. He would dive head first into these sharks! So that is exactly what I did. I starting running and leaped, spearing into the alien bastards. I ended up taking three out giving Phred room to fight with the axe he must have taken from me as I lay unconscious. That's when Crazy Dan and Cleveland joined in. Cleveland was brandishing his long machete and Crazy Dan wielding Glamdring, now the fight could begin. Phred was already limping, from an injury he had sustained while fending of the hostiles.
The aliens continued to flow out of doors filling the room. "How did you stay conscientious Phred?" Crazy Dan Asked. What we later peiced together was when alien beam you aboard their ships they are apply a mild anesthesia to humans. What they didn't count on was the lingering smell of Scent-O-Doe on Phred. It confused there sensors and when they beamed us aboard, they thought they'd captured a deer by mistake. Some laughed later and joked about Phred being anally probed by a buck and aliens, but I was there. He was defending his comrades and brothers and his Scent-0-Doe ended up saving us from that fate.
The team formed a circle, finally bonding and coming together as a team, united in kicking a little Alien ass. The aliens looked much like us; they wore a blue space type suite with collar. They were pale but had sunburned red necks. The aliens were hesitant to approach the team now, when a huge door opened and smoke billowed out into the room. Crazy Dan sniffed I know that smell, that's the smell of a Bob Marley concert; you think he's alive like Elvis? The answer was giving to us shortly as Fuzz appeared holding a bud light and leaning against one of this aliens. He was pretty trashed and started talking nonsense about this was his real dad. That must have been some pretty powerful smoke. The alien smiled and I knew what was up.
Crazy Dan was the first to speak to this head alien. "I'm going to kill you!" he boldly stated. What would the Norris do? I thought. "Very well, you've won this round." I say as I nod to Crazy Dan. He sensed my thoughts and sent a throwing knife spinning thru the air. It sunk into the head of the biggest alien by Fuzz, as the alien crashed to the ground. I replied we will be taking my brother back, though. Cleveland and Phred were quick on the up take and slashed thru to get to Fuzz. "Very well, It's not over Earthling." he responds as Cleveland lunges for him, but it's to late we are standing near our truck stone cold sober looking up at huge Winnabago flying away. "I"M DRIVING" slurs Fuzz as we had off into the sunrise, wondering what's next.
At camp the team wass all tired and extremely hungry. Phred offered me some granola bars, and I wolfed those down. But like Chinese food it's just not filling. I'm a large guy, thus the nickname Big D, and I need lots of sustenance. That's when Fuzz brought out the sandwiches Angry Joyce made for us. Thanks goes out to Angry Joyce for getting up so early and making those mighty tasty sandwiches. I grabbed mine and noticed the weary looks, but bit into anyway. This was little taste of heaven. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but it was real juicy when you bit into, it just burst all over loading your taste buds with goodness. The best part though was the way it slid down you throat, almost like an oyster. Everyone else was being a bunch of pussies about them, but that just meant more for me. After I had my fill we stayed up drinking and trying to come up with a little strategery for the next day.
When we woke I had me a couple more of those tasty sandwiches, washing it down with a little Jack, as fuzz poured over the night's plan. This time we would be rearranged with me and Fuzz going undercover with the goats, Phred and Dan guarding the canyon and Cleveland on sniper duties. It didn't seem like we had to wait long, but I could tell Angry Joyce's sandwiches were starting to wear off as my belly began to grumble. That's when Fuzz spotted two chupas. Now, I know he said not to kill them, but there were two! So I figured, if I was careful not to ruin any meat when I killed it, Fuzz would be forced to BBQ it. I motioned for Fuzz to follow the smaller one. The one I was after was big, fat, and slow. In other words ripe for killin'! I used the last half of an emergency Angry Joyce sandwich to lure the creature in killin' distance just as he bent down to munch on the tasty sandwich I sliced down with Anduril cutting the head cleanly off!
Bigfoot Brawl.
Victorious the team marched back to camp discussing Chupa recipes and our new found glory. When we got back to camp Cleveland ran to his bag grabbing his insane chicken hot sauce, while CD and I gathered some wood and Phred and Fuzz started the fire. As often happens when CD and I are sent off on a work task together we end up messing it up. It started off with Crazy Dan grabbing a dead mesquite branch and trying to knock my feet out from under me, by clipping the back of my kness with the huge branch and like usual it ended up with him running away. Only this time he ran smack into Bigfoot. Crazy Dan looked up and smiled never hesitating he swung that mesquite tree branch up between Bigfoot's legs. The Bigfoot let out a massive howl and Crazy Dan came running back, smiling happily about how the Big Foot was thorny. Yeah, I thought it was rater corny too. That's when about three of its brothers came out of the mesquite.
The fight was on. Crazy Dan was just about out of bullets when Cleveland showed up. He ended up saving Crazy Dan when he had to reload. I could see them fighting off several bigfoots, but I didn't witness much of this fight as another Bigfoot proceeded to kick my ass. I remember looking up from the ground and seeing some green lights. Then I embraced the cold empty dark.
A Team Kidnapped
As I lay bloodied and unconscious a vision came. From the black emptiness a slow white fog begin to roll. A hand reached down as a deep voice said "Here take it." I looked up and it was none other then THE HOFF! "Big D" he said, "you've fought bravely and have always been a true follower." Am I dead I asked The Hoff. Then another voice came from behind me. "No, Big D, your just unconscious." I spun around and another legendary figure stood before me. THE NORRIS. What, how? I stutter. "It doesn't matter" replied the Hoff and The Norris continued "We don't have a lot of time. These aliens are NOT your friends. Today you begin down a path that you were destined for and your choices no matter how small can determine the fate of the universe." I understand I say. "No, you don't." They replied together, there voices slowly fading away. "but you will, Just remember: What would the Hoff/Norris do....."
"Big D get up, GET UP!" I opened my eyes and everything was hazy. I see Cleveland over me, pointing. "Phred is keeping the aliens at bay, but I don't know for how long!" he franticly yells. I start to remember about a the bright light just before the black. "Right, I say I'll help him. Is Crazy Dan awake?" Not yet, he replied. "Well get him awake, I'll join Phred in the fight!" Anduril was still in my hand and I rush to help fearless Phred. I see the aliens start to surround him. If I rush in with Anduril I could stab Phred.
Aliens Attacked.
What would the Hoff do I ask myself. He would dive head first into these sharks! So that is exactly what I did. I starting running and leaped, spearing into the alien bastards. I ended up taking three out giving Phred room to fight with the axe he must have taken from me as I lay unconscious. That's when Crazy Dan and Cleveland joined in. Cleveland was brandishing his long machete and Crazy Dan wielding Glamdring, now the fight could begin. Phred was already limping, from an injury he had sustained while fending of the hostiles.
The aliens continued to flow out of doors filling the room. "How did you stay conscientious Phred?" Crazy Dan Asked. What we later peiced together was when alien beam you aboard their ships they are apply a mild anesthesia to humans. What they didn't count on was the lingering smell of Scent-O-Doe on Phred. It confused there sensors and when they beamed us aboard, they thought they'd captured a deer by mistake. Some laughed later and joked about Phred being anally probed by a buck and aliens, but I was there. He was defending his comrades and brothers and his Scent-0-Doe ended up saving us from that fate.
The team formed a circle, finally bonding and coming together as a team, united in kicking a little Alien ass. The aliens looked much like us; they wore a blue space type suite with collar. They were pale but had sunburned red necks. The aliens were hesitant to approach the team now, when a huge door opened and smoke billowed out into the room. Crazy Dan sniffed I know that smell, that's the smell of a Bob Marley concert; you think he's alive like Elvis? The answer was giving to us shortly as Fuzz appeared holding a bud light and leaning against one of this aliens. He was pretty trashed and started talking nonsense about this was his real dad. That must have been some pretty powerful smoke. The alien smiled and I knew what was up.
Crazy Dan was the first to speak to this head alien. "I'm going to kill you!" he boldly stated. What would the Norris do? I thought. "Very well, you've won this round." I say as I nod to Crazy Dan. He sensed my thoughts and sent a throwing knife spinning thru the air. It sunk into the head of the biggest alien by Fuzz, as the alien crashed to the ground. I replied we will be taking my brother back, though. Cleveland and Phred were quick on the up take and slashed thru to get to Fuzz. "Very well, It's not over Earthling." he responds as Cleveland lunges for him, but it's to late we are standing near our truck stone cold sober looking up at huge Winnabago flying away. "I"M DRIVING" slurs Fuzz as we had off into the sunrise, wondering what's next.
Monday, April 03, 2006
The Hunt: Friday.
Fuzz rolls up to the house about quarter till six on Friday. Crazy Dan and I load up the gear and supplies and hop in the back of the truck. Fuzz says the hunting ground is a secret an we are meeting up with the others at Tips.
Crazy Dan didn't have to work on Friday so he had already been drinking and was pretty soused by the time we started off. So the journey began. On the eleven mile trip to Tips Crazy stood up in the truck and begin to try and fling piss on passing motorists. This was quite entertaining until a car flipped a bitch and started following us. I was getting kinda anxious as we pulled into Tips with said motorist following closely on our tail. Crazy Dan Jumped out of the truck when a rather large woman exited the vehicle and waddled up to the crazy man. As she cornered Crazy Dan I thought the worse, but she merely gave him a wink and a toothless grin asking for his phone number.
Disaster averted we enter Tips. I had already got my supplies, but thought I'd go ahead and start loading up on ice. Soon as I finish throwing the ice in the truck I here Fuzz yelling at Dan to put something down. Curious what CD is up to I jog back in just in time to see Crazy Dan swing at fuzz with this giant 3 foot dildo. With Crazy Dan being drunk and a little off balance Fuzz was able to easily dodge the giant prick. Unfortunately Crazy Dan's new friend, the enormous toothless wonder, was unable to avoid that fate and ended sprawled in out in the plastic toys section. As we tackled CD and headed for the door he grabbed an inflatable sheep that set off the alarm at the door. I apologized to the security guy, he just smiled and waved us off saying it happened all the time, especially with this model. That freaked me out a little bit, but what the hell.
Phred and Cleveland helped me toss Dan in the back and we headed off to the sacred hunting grounds, Fuzz whistling a little tune. I'm not sure what it was something about every rose has a thorn. I think it was from the 80's. Yeah, he's old.
Just as we hit the hunting spot Crazy Dan gains consciousness. Hey I know this place there is a goat farm around here. This is a little troubling, but what the hell. Just then Fuzz throws on the breaks and Cleveland tumbles out the truck on his ass. "I told you not to sit on the side, Fuzz drives like a woman." I laugh. Cleveland jumps up cursing Fuzz and crying party fowl by making him spill his drink. He cheers up rather quickly as Fuzz tosses him a bud. We all feel pretty excited as Fuzz fills us in on his plan.
Sometimes in his excitement Fuzz gets a little long winded. So I start to zone out thinking about the Boom Boom Cabaret. Anyway he finishes up. So what's the plan again, I ask. I see Crasy Dan and Cleveland nodding in agreement. The only person who remembers any of the plan is Phred. Fuzz looks a little pissed and mumbles something about the Gipper, whoever the hell that is, and tells me and Cleveland to follow Phred he fill us in. I'm curious if they had similar thoughts about skipping the chupa hunt and beginning a beaver hunt.
Phred tells us to stand lookout at the entrance of the Canyon and starts in on a little strategery, but unlike Fuzz, he notices our daze looks and replies "Just stand here and don't fuck around!" He then offers us some "Scent of Doe". It smelled rather nasty so Cleveland and I passed. Phred then happily trotted away to climb up the canyon walls. It was getting pretty boring when Cleveland had the great idea to have a mock duel. It started getting serious after Cleveland beaned me in the head with Glamdring. His phone rang and it provided me with the opportunity to slam the flat of Anduril against his stomach. Cursing the phone and me he limped off to the nearest bush complaining he needed to shit.
His phone continued to ring and then I heard this loud, THAWK and a scream. I rush over to see what happened to find Cleveland pointing his gun at Fuzz telling him to bend over it's his turn. I was started laughing and soon was having a hard time breathing when the stand still came to close. Fuzz apologized about the shot to Cleveland's ass and we went back to our posts.
Just as I can get over my belly laugh I hear a blood curdling scream from up high. I rush up to the canyon telling Cleveland to stay put as his ass is sore anyway. As a climb up the small cliff I see this huge buck on top of someone. This buck is just going at it. I had never seen a buck in all its glory, but this one was definitely excited. I approach the situation with caution and realize the poor guy is Phred. I really don't have to time to laugh, but today I can honestly say this one of the most fucked up, yet funniest things I've ever seen. I point Anduril at the bucks throat and rush to stab it. The buck does not even notice the sword going throw it's throat. So blood is pouring all over poor Phred. I decide to slash at the buck instead of stab. I catch it right under the throat. Trying to take its head off the Buck staggers back and later stumbles and falls off Phred.
I hear Fuzz behind me choking. I'm not sure how long he has been there but I help Phred up and notice that Fuzz is a nice shade of purple. I go over to see if he is alright but he is just shaking. Then I notice the huge smile on his face and I realize he is just laughing. I tell him to take deep breaths and he soon recovers.
We hobble back to camp, and call an end to Friday night some cursing, some close to passing out, others laughing their asses off.
Crazy Dan didn't have to work on Friday so he had already been drinking and was pretty soused by the time we started off. So the journey began. On the eleven mile trip to Tips Crazy stood up in the truck and begin to try and fling piss on passing motorists. This was quite entertaining until a car flipped a bitch and started following us. I was getting kinda anxious as we pulled into Tips with said motorist following closely on our tail. Crazy Dan Jumped out of the truck when a rather large woman exited the vehicle and waddled up to the crazy man. As she cornered Crazy Dan I thought the worse, but she merely gave him a wink and a toothless grin asking for his phone number.
Disaster averted we enter Tips. I had already got my supplies, but thought I'd go ahead and start loading up on ice. Soon as I finish throwing the ice in the truck I here Fuzz yelling at Dan to put something down. Curious what CD is up to I jog back in just in time to see Crazy Dan swing at fuzz with this giant 3 foot dildo. With Crazy Dan being drunk and a little off balance Fuzz was able to easily dodge the giant prick. Unfortunately Crazy Dan's new friend, the enormous toothless wonder, was unable to avoid that fate and ended sprawled in out in the plastic toys section. As we tackled CD and headed for the door he grabbed an inflatable sheep that set off the alarm at the door. I apologized to the security guy, he just smiled and waved us off saying it happened all the time, especially with this model. That freaked me out a little bit, but what the hell.
Phred and Cleveland helped me toss Dan in the back and we headed off to the sacred hunting grounds, Fuzz whistling a little tune. I'm not sure what it was something about every rose has a thorn. I think it was from the 80's. Yeah, he's old.
Just as we hit the hunting spot Crazy Dan gains consciousness. Hey I know this place there is a goat farm around here. This is a little troubling, but what the hell. Just then Fuzz throws on the breaks and Cleveland tumbles out the truck on his ass. "I told you not to sit on the side, Fuzz drives like a woman." I laugh. Cleveland jumps up cursing Fuzz and crying party fowl by making him spill his drink. He cheers up rather quickly as Fuzz tosses him a bud. We all feel pretty excited as Fuzz fills us in on his plan.
Sometimes in his excitement Fuzz gets a little long winded. So I start to zone out thinking about the Boom Boom Cabaret. Anyway he finishes up. So what's the plan again, I ask. I see Crasy Dan and Cleveland nodding in agreement. The only person who remembers any of the plan is Phred. Fuzz looks a little pissed and mumbles something about the Gipper, whoever the hell that is, and tells me and Cleveland to follow Phred he fill us in. I'm curious if they had similar thoughts about skipping the chupa hunt and beginning a beaver hunt.
Phred tells us to stand lookout at the entrance of the Canyon and starts in on a little strategery, but unlike Fuzz, he notices our daze looks and replies "Just stand here and don't fuck around!" He then offers us some "Scent of Doe". It smelled rather nasty so Cleveland and I passed. Phred then happily trotted away to climb up the canyon walls. It was getting pretty boring when Cleveland had the great idea to have a mock duel. It started getting serious after Cleveland beaned me in the head with Glamdring. His phone rang and it provided me with the opportunity to slam the flat of Anduril against his stomach. Cursing the phone and me he limped off to the nearest bush complaining he needed to shit.
His phone continued to ring and then I heard this loud, THAWK and a scream. I rush over to see what happened to find Cleveland pointing his gun at Fuzz telling him to bend over it's his turn. I was started laughing and soon was having a hard time breathing when the stand still came to close. Fuzz apologized about the shot to Cleveland's ass and we went back to our posts.
Just as I can get over my belly laugh I hear a blood curdling scream from up high. I rush up to the canyon telling Cleveland to stay put as his ass is sore anyway. As a climb up the small cliff I see this huge buck on top of someone. This buck is just going at it. I had never seen a buck in all its glory, but this one was definitely excited. I approach the situation with caution and realize the poor guy is Phred. I really don't have to time to laugh, but today I can honestly say this one of the most fucked up, yet funniest things I've ever seen. I point Anduril at the bucks throat and rush to stab it. The buck does not even notice the sword going throw it's throat. So blood is pouring all over poor Phred. I decide to slash at the buck instead of stab. I catch it right under the throat. Trying to take its head off the Buck staggers back and later stumbles and falls off Phred.
I hear Fuzz behind me choking. I'm not sure how long he has been there but I help Phred up and notice that Fuzz is a nice shade of purple. I go over to see if he is alright but he is just shaking. Then I notice the huge smile on his face and I realize he is just laughing. I tell him to take deep breaths and he soon recovers.
We hobble back to camp, and call an end to Friday night some cursing, some close to passing out, others laughing their asses off.
Friday, March 31, 2006
The Hunt is on!
My brother Fuzz informed me this week of a hunt. A hunt that may change the world! After reading a tale of a sweet high school girl who was attacked by a chupacabra as she traveled the dirt roads of our fair county, Fuzz was moved. Some say to tears. The benevolent Fuzz decided to bring the fight to the devilish creatures. "We can't allow our innocent little high school girls to get attacked by these fowl creatures" he told me. I totally agree. It was Matthew McConaughey that said in Dazed and Confused, "What I like about these high school girls, I keep getting older, they stay the same age", too true.
Being the studious man Fuzz is, he decided to do a little research on the subject and found that not only was he going to have to worry about the might and ferocity of the chupas, but of the superior strength and fortitude of the Bigfoot or as it's known in these parts, The Dickens County Tree Hugger. Some of you may think that's a strange name for Bigfoot. No friends, we only have Mesquite trees here and they are thorny so this is a test of strength and pain tolerance. Many a redneck has been skewered on these trees, for various reasons mainly involving alcohol.
Fuzz discussed this new Bigfoot problem, and me being the biggest guy he knew, he thought the extra power would be needed. He informed me of sites I could do some research of my own on. I would be in charge of trying to capture the Tree Hugger. He also said it would be a cold night in West Texas, the low 50's. So I decided to stock up on whiskey. It's a little known fact whiskey keeps you warm on nights like this and prevents the dreaded West Texas frost bite.
After raiding Tips Liquor and Grocery Store, I received a call from Fuzz informing me that I would need to bring my own weapons. Well I don't own and gun and the budget was already spent on other supplies. I called some other friends for aid, but they thought myself and automatic weapons were not a good combination. Bastards! No need to worry true believers! On my bedroom wall was my answer! The collection of Lord of the Rings replica swords would work perfectly. "Brilliant!" I exclaimed. With the power of Sting on my waist, Anduril with Glamdring strapped to my back, and Gimli's Axe I would bear the weight of chain mail bringing a Middle Earth hell to these abominations!
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Being the studious man Fuzz is, he decided to do a little research on the subject and found that not only was he going to have to worry about the might and ferocity of the chupas, but of the superior strength and fortitude of the Bigfoot or as it's known in these parts, The Dickens County Tree Hugger. Some of you may think that's a strange name for Bigfoot. No friends, we only have Mesquite trees here and they are thorny so this is a test of strength and pain tolerance. Many a redneck has been skewered on these trees, for various reasons mainly involving alcohol.
Fuzz discussed this new Bigfoot problem, and me being the biggest guy he knew, he thought the extra power would be needed. He informed me of sites I could do some research of my own on. I would be in charge of trying to capture the Tree Hugger. He also said it would be a cold night in West Texas, the low 50's. So I decided to stock up on whiskey. It's a little known fact whiskey keeps you warm on nights like this and prevents the dreaded West Texas frost bite.
After raiding Tips Liquor and Grocery Store, I received a call from Fuzz informing me that I would need to bring my own weapons. Well I don't own and gun and the budget was already spent on other supplies. I called some other friends for aid, but they thought myself and automatic weapons were not a good combination. Bastards! No need to worry true believers! On my bedroom wall was my answer! The collection of Lord of the Rings replica swords would work perfectly. "Brilliant!" I exclaimed. With the power of Sting on my waist, Anduril with Glamdring strapped to my back, and Gimli's Axe I would bear the weight of chain mail bringing a Middle Earth hell to these abominations!
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
My Night with Cisco
Hundreds of the tiniest violins play a long heartrending tune
"My Internet is down will it be up soon!"
The sad notes bring a tear to my eye,
The moon peeking its head out of the darkening sky.
Slowly the violins fade as their masters curse and they cry.
There will be no net tonight, I forlornly reply.
No blogging, no chatting, no e-mail, no porn.
What can I do?
I'm as helpless as you.
The stars shine brighter and brighter,
Hope slides slighter and slighter.
The witching hour approaches as the masses give in,
A crickety silence quite as sin.
Such a sweet tune it was, poignant and sweet.
On the morrow the violins will be playing loud and from high
Once again bringing a tear to my eye,
But for now it's me and the Cisco guy.
"My Internet is down will it be up soon!"
The sad notes bring a tear to my eye,
The moon peeking its head out of the darkening sky.
Slowly the violins fade as their masters curse and they cry.
There will be no net tonight, I forlornly reply.
No blogging, no chatting, no e-mail, no porn.
What can I do?
I'm as helpless as you.
The stars shine brighter and brighter,
Hope slides slighter and slighter.
The witching hour approaches as the masses give in,
A crickety silence quite as sin.
Such a sweet tune it was, poignant and sweet.
On the morrow the violins will be playing loud and from high
Once again bringing a tear to my eye,
But for now it's me and the Cisco guy.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Why Crazy Dan is a Jackass.
I could go into many reasons why Crazy Dan is a jack ass. I love the little bastard but still his latest foray has cemented this standing. What is that you ask. This wedding of his. Many of you know that the crazy bastard has captured a woman, but lately I think this is vice versa. His wedding is taking place in July.
I counseled and begged, even offering to pay for a trip to Las Vegas to get this unholy act done. It all fell on deaf ears though. Why beg you ask? Well, being his twin brother I knew I would be best man. That's an an honor really, but the problem is I absolutely loathe people. Well being around people anyway if it's a small crowd it stills makes me anxious. Some may call this social anxiety. I just like to think I hate people, some times I can feel my anger burrowing to the surface. I alway maintain it and keep cool, but it does get close to exploding. I can feel this as my hands begin to shake and sweat. So in the interest of this Crazy Dan has agreed to never talk of his wedding plans in front of me.
On hearing of his wedding I was happy for my brother, but then he told me something that frightened me. He told me she wanted a small wedding, I said great. Then he added she asked if I had any favorite teachers I wanted to invite. What the fuck? That's not a small wedding. He laughed, but I could sense a growing anxiety in him. Later down the road as I learned of the guest list. Her size three hundred guests his maybe fifteen guests and no, I'm not exaggerating it really is that number. Still he told me no fear.
This weekend I was caught in part of his wedding discussion, That I was told wouldn't happen, where he said there was going to be a DJ or live band. This sent shivers down my spine as any type of social engaging gives me hives. Actually, I don't really know what hives are, but it has been known to make me retch. I'm going to skip that part I told him. He laughed and said no, you're the best man you have to be there. DAMN! You don't have to dance he said. That wasn't going to happen anyway, I replied. Me dance yeah fucking right!
He then added don't worry so much I'll make sure there won't be any babies there and smiled. I sickening thud hit my stomach at that moment as a stupid expression hit my face. "There are going to be babies there aren't there?" The shock and bewilderment that was on my face must have been highly amusing from his outburst of laughter. He was able regain is composure look my straight in the eyes and said probably and it will be your job as best man to kiss the babies for me. I'm pretty sure he was lying, but there is "NO way that I'm touching a baby!" I've written many times of my fear of babies. I believe they are an evil unholy thing, but that's another post.
I'm getting a little long winded here, but I want to say one last thing. Crazy Dan you're a jack ass!
I counseled and begged, even offering to pay for a trip to Las Vegas to get this unholy act done. It all fell on deaf ears though. Why beg you ask? Well, being his twin brother I knew I would be best man. That's an an honor really, but the problem is I absolutely loathe people. Well being around people anyway if it's a small crowd it stills makes me anxious. Some may call this social anxiety. I just like to think I hate people, some times I can feel my anger burrowing to the surface. I alway maintain it and keep cool, but it does get close to exploding. I can feel this as my hands begin to shake and sweat. So in the interest of this Crazy Dan has agreed to never talk of his wedding plans in front of me.
On hearing of his wedding I was happy for my brother, but then he told me something that frightened me. He told me she wanted a small wedding, I said great. Then he added she asked if I had any favorite teachers I wanted to invite. What the fuck? That's not a small wedding. He laughed, but I could sense a growing anxiety in him. Later down the road as I learned of the guest list. Her size three hundred guests his maybe fifteen guests and no, I'm not exaggerating it really is that number. Still he told me no fear.
This weekend I was caught in part of his wedding discussion, That I was told wouldn't happen, where he said there was going to be a DJ or live band. This sent shivers down my spine as any type of social engaging gives me hives. Actually, I don't really know what hives are, but it has been known to make me retch. I'm going to skip that part I told him. He laughed and said no, you're the best man you have to be there. DAMN! You don't have to dance he said. That wasn't going to happen anyway, I replied. Me dance yeah fucking right!
He then added don't worry so much I'll make sure there won't be any babies there and smiled. I sickening thud hit my stomach at that moment as a stupid expression hit my face. "There are going to be babies there aren't there?" The shock and bewilderment that was on my face must have been highly amusing from his outburst of laughter. He was able regain is composure look my straight in the eyes and said probably and it will be your job as best man to kiss the babies for me. I'm pretty sure he was lying, but there is "NO way that I'm touching a baby!" I've written many times of my fear of babies. I believe they are an evil unholy thing, but that's another post.
I'm getting a little long winded here, but I want to say one last thing. Crazy Dan you're a jack ass!
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Lessons from the Sage.
St. Patricks Day for me has always been somewhat special where I reflect on all the lessons my old man taught me growing up. I am not sure what our heritiage is exactly but I am positive we have some Irish in us, dear old dad drinks like a fish but I have never seen him hit mom or talk about God so i am guessing that makes us close to about 40 or so percent. At any rate on this glorious St. Patties day I am reminded of the time dad had me and my twin bro go and pick up some sticks. Well after gathering these sticks he told us to try and break the stick by hitting eachother with them. So of course we complied and broke our little wooden sticks. Next he told us to to tie a bundle of sticks together and then try to break them on each other. So we comenced to do so only this was much more difficult and we could not break the bundle. He made us stop before we killed each other and told us that each of those sticks represented one of us and the bundle represented family, alone we could easily break but if we held together nothing could break us.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Screw Robot Wars We Want Blood
I am 10 kinds of pissed off and when I get angry the crazy psycho part me is unleashed so up yours Dr. Phil here is the real way to deal with stress: Tormenting small helpless creatures that have no brains. No I do not mean your in-laws, so Angry Joyce stop trying to kick me in the nuts. I believe hamsters are the best for the simple reason that those damn squirrels are to damn sneaky and fast to catch, damn I would really love to kill me one of those right now always chewing on things and climbing on trees making those wierd noises, besides who really cares about these fuzzy rats anyway. Enjoy the instructions may the quickest and sharpest knife win. For your information my hampter Reep-a-Cheep is the undisputed hampster champion of West Texas.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Shopping Advice
When shopping with your significant other do not make small talk or sign language to other men about wanting to kill your self. This means no hand signs like
Having a gun to your head.
Pretending your being hung.
Using your hand as a knife and slashing your throat.
Even though your not doing this to hurt her feelings but, doing it to make other people laugh and lighten the mood so that shopping is more enjoyable it will result in violent nipple pinching. For some reason we are not allowed to make friends on shopping trips.
Another thing to remember, talking to other guys about anything at all even sympathizing with the poor bastard carrying the purse will result in nipple pinching or even worse the famous why can't you do that for me, which turns into a sermon about all the things you should start doing. Remember once this discussion has started taking place the only way to get out of this situation is to say these three phrases:
Yes dear
Your right
I am sorry
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
My Space Freaks
My loving fiancee decided she wanted to do this thing called my space so grudgingly I decided to put one up as well so that I would not be left out of her friends list. At any rate this whole my space thing is kinda cool you and get to meet some interesting people. For example this person that wanted to be my friend, sad to say but I had to reject her she is too weird even for me.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
GOTD: Angelica Bridges
You might have seen her in Baywatch or Playboy. She is googable. Did I just make a new word. Hell yeah! I'm copyrighting that shit! So if your at a nerd covention and meet a hot nerd and say "Hey there sexy you're sooo googable." Your bitch ass owes me money!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Greetings Inmate 001538954
I came across a new greeting card site called Prison Card Expressions. The idea is to send those precious incarcerated loved ones a greeting card to show how much you miss miss them. Here are some couple of samples:
I 've heard the blood in our veins is thicker than water.
I say the blood in our veins is thicker than bars and fences.
Love Always,
If I had a dime for every time I said I've missed you I'd be...
Rich
See You soon
Why do you have to have a relative or love one in prison to send them a card? A lot of lonely desparate women find true love thru the prison system or maybe you just want to brighten the day of some convict. I've got a few ideas for the Anonymous line of cards. Here are my suggestions.
Remember that time you were wrongly convicted?
Yeah, sorry about that.
I just wanted to let you know...
I'm totally screwing your old lady.
Thanks a lot!
Dear Mr. Whitey. You're now the proud grandfather of a beautiful baby girl!
Named Keisha Tamika Robinson.
Dear Mr. Whitey. Your little angels wedding was beautiful.
I only wish you were there to give her away.
Sholem
What really happens when you drop the soap?
Dear Mohammand all things are possible in Christ!
I think I'll stop on that last one. The tasteful line is getting blurry way over here.
I 've heard the blood in our veins is thicker than water.
I say the blood in our veins is thicker than bars and fences.
Love Always,
If I had a dime for every time I said I've missed you I'd be...
Rich
See You soon
Why do you have to have a relative or love one in prison to send them a card? A lot of lonely desparate women find true love thru the prison system or maybe you just want to brighten the day of some convict. I've got a few ideas for the Anonymous line of cards. Here are my suggestions.
Remember that time you were wrongly convicted?
Yeah, sorry about that.
I just wanted to let you know...
I'm totally screwing your old lady.
Thanks a lot!
Dear Mr. Whitey. You're now the proud grandfather of a beautiful baby girl!
Named Keisha Tamika Robinson.
Dear Mr. Whitey. Your little angels wedding was beautiful.
I only wish you were there to give her away.
Sholem
What really happens when you drop the soap?
Dear Mohammand all things are possible in Christ!
I think I'll stop on that last one. The tasteful line is getting blurry way over here.
Monday, March 06, 2006
GOTD: Bettie Ballhaus
We are going to continue another week of red heads because there are so many gorgeous reheads out there and then I think he might explore blondes, bruttnetes and my favorite raven haired women. Today it's Bettie Ballhaus a german glamor model.Enjoy!
Friday, March 03, 2006
GOTD: Ashley Robbins
I think this maybe the best wallpaper I've ever created. I know it's just simple motion blur effects, but it looks really hot with this sexy redhead.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
GOTD: Jennifer Korbin
Thought I'd make a pit stop on hot redheads before continueing my virtual travel around the world.
Friday, February 24, 2006
GOTw: Karima Adebibe
By request the new face of Lara Croft, Karima Adebibe. She is a 20 year old beauty from London. IMDB has her listed in the Alien vs. Predator movie, but being it was a total peice of shit I don't remember seeing her. Images were pretty slim so I did the best I could RockyJay.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
GOTD: Kristi Leskinen
I'm not sure what event she is in, some skiing one. All I really know is, DAMN...
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
GOTD: Gretchen Bleiler
The American women also went one and two in the halfpipe. They also almost, so damn close, got three but it was denied. Grethen Blier took home the Silver medal in the event.
Monday, February 13, 2006
GOTD: Michelle Kwan
In honor of the Olympics we will host Olympian hotties this week. Today it's Michelle Kwan even though she had to withdraw I was still hoping for gold for this 25 year old babe.
Friday, February 10, 2006
The State of Music.
Birds sing in the meadow and the old refuse to move on and desperately clinch to their youth. Grown men and women tirelessly work in dead end jobs only to support these elderly statesmen. A shining cloud of polyester begins to form on the horizon. The smell of decay permeates the air as all excitement is lost and contained in a mist of organization. The once mighty metal beast slumbers with screams of the forgotten hoard and misunderstood going unheard. "Where are the Gods of Thunder? Have they forsaken us?" asks a young boy to his sobbing mother. Deep in the underground a new generation is toiling, forgetting the real and living in a new web of life. Without these rebel pioneers the real world is suffering and the metal gods sleep. Metal worships still ring loud on this web and new gods form. Their followers begin to form a monstrous pit, but to the real it is silenced. The pit swells gaining force and power the deeper it travels, but the old waves are forgotten and a terrible price is being paid.
What the hell am I talking about? Barry Manilow's newest CD "Songs of the Fifties" is the number one album in America. THE HUMANITY!!!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Eyewear blog?
Just when I thought I'd seen everything something new comes along. While surfing around BE I came across this "Consumers Awareness Guide to Safety & Designer Eyewear" That's right a blog purely based on the safety of eye wear. I mean there is pretty much everything on here a anal retentive person would want to know. I learned about eye wear safety the hard way as a kid thru experience so the lessons are mute for me, but maybe they can help you.
1. Don't poke yourself in the eye with the ear pieces. It hurts.
2. Glasses do not protect you from BB or pellet guns.
3. When playing dodge ball it's best to take your glasses off. Even if you can't see because even the most inept player seems to be able to hit you in the face and break your glasses. I think dodge balls have a built in glass seeker, but this is unconfirmed.
4. When welding you still have to wear a welding helmet.
5. Just because they are glasses doesnt mean they are SAFTEY glasses.
6. When wearing glasses be careful around hot women they like to throw you down and get on top of you. So make sure a comfortable surface is available like a couch or a bed.
Saftey first!
Just take a look at this months vanity fair with Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley. click for a larger image it's 1024 x 768 a great wallpaper.
1. Don't poke yourself in the eye with the ear pieces. It hurts.
2. Glasses do not protect you from BB or pellet guns.
3. When playing dodge ball it's best to take your glasses off. Even if you can't see because even the most inept player seems to be able to hit you in the face and break your glasses. I think dodge balls have a built in glass seeker, but this is unconfirmed.
4. When welding you still have to wear a welding helmet.
5. Just because they are glasses doesnt mean they are SAFTEY glasses.
6. When wearing glasses be careful around hot women they like to throw you down and get on top of you. So make sure a comfortable surface is available like a couch or a bed.
Saftey first!
Just take a look at this months vanity fair with Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley. click for a larger image it's 1024 x 768 a great wallpaper.
Shaping the minds of our future leaders.
I don't know how many of you job shadowed in high school or even if you remember the event. Job shadowing is that one day in high school usually your junior or senior year in which you are whored out to a local business and showed what some poor schumk does all day. No one really shows you what they do or the intricacies of looking busy when in fact you are doing absolutely nothing. No they try and act busy and make their job seem more important then it usually is.
In the five years I've been working here I've been shadowed a couple of times, but I always forget what I have them do. anyway, the week before last I was told a couple of students were going to come in and one if not both was going to be looking in on my day. No big deal. I'd save some monkey work and have them do it. See how generous I am, it's all in the name of education.
One of our bright leaders of tomorrow, however, was busted that weekend on a BPA (Business Professionals of America) trip drinking and "other things". I'm not sure what other things is, I'm thinking maybe a little boob action or smoking weed. It's good to know our business leaders of tomorrow are on the right track. This little incident gives me hope for our public school system. What says corporate networking like beers, weed, and boob action?
Unfortunately now the student was unable to attend the fun that was job shadow day. Maybe that's a little too sarcastic, it wasn't too bad. I think my job is fairly fun, but then I'm a huge geek. So who knows? Last Thursday the remaining kid showed up and they decided to give him the full experience of the company and show him around everywhere. I was told he would be spending a couple of hours with me, which turned into three or three and half hours.
First he was going to spend some time with the Customer Care Group. This group takes all to the majority of the troubleshooting calls about phone, television, and internet problems. I used to have to take all the internet calls, but thanks to the formation of this group I handle very few old ladies anymore*. Our "caring" tech who is a complete douche and extreme moron told the kid that our customers are stupid, have no common sense, and "Don't even turn off their computers before they call". Could you sound more like an ass? First off, restarting a computer doesn't fix everything. Second off, yeah some of customers are not the brightest it's called; "You having a job!" You don't tell someone this, at least too someone about write a report that will be sent to your boss. Not to mention the fact his mother is a frequent caller. Speaking of common sense who said you had any! Fucking moron! Sorry, I went off there for a second. The other customer care group member in the office was able to do a little damage control, so maybe we will not come off looking like a bunch of ass monkeys. I wonder if I should take responsibility for our "caring" tech it was part of my job to train him when he came here. I failed miserably, but then maybe that's what happens when a twenty two year old has to train a forty year old. They just don't listen. Plus he's been her 4 years, it's called on the job experience.
Then it was my turn. I must be getting old because this senior looked like a 13 year old to me, but he was a nice enough kid. I showed him around the plant explaining what various equipment was and how it interconnected. I took him to the TV Head-End and showed him what went into providing IPTV. Told him about the obstacles there were in deploying and the troubleshooting that was and is required for the the system to run smoothly. I took a few simple internet calls and made myself look good by showing him good techs usually don't even need a computer to answer calls and proceeded to turn of my monitors for effect and answer these calls and any questions he thought he could stump me with. After that I had him do some work that I'd been putting off, like configuring ADSL modems and doing that day's forecast for channel one. That left enough time to show him a few tricks on building websites and then he was off to the cellular department. Overall I don't think it was to boring and if he had any interest in computers before it should have given him a good overview of the field.
*I thought about replaceing this line because it's sounds disgusting and I know you perverts, but I decide it was kind of funny too.
In the five years I've been working here I've been shadowed a couple of times, but I always forget what I have them do. anyway, the week before last I was told a couple of students were going to come in and one if not both was going to be looking in on my day. No big deal. I'd save some monkey work and have them do it. See how generous I am, it's all in the name of education.
One of our bright leaders of tomorrow, however, was busted that weekend on a BPA (Business Professionals of America) trip drinking and "other things". I'm not sure what other things is, I'm thinking maybe a little boob action or smoking weed. It's good to know our business leaders of tomorrow are on the right track. This little incident gives me hope for our public school system. What says corporate networking like beers, weed, and boob action?
Unfortunately now the student was unable to attend the fun that was job shadow day. Maybe that's a little too sarcastic, it wasn't too bad. I think my job is fairly fun, but then I'm a huge geek. So who knows? Last Thursday the remaining kid showed up and they decided to give him the full experience of the company and show him around everywhere. I was told he would be spending a couple of hours with me, which turned into three or three and half hours.
First he was going to spend some time with the Customer Care Group. This group takes all to the majority of the troubleshooting calls about phone, television, and internet problems. I used to have to take all the internet calls, but thanks to the formation of this group I handle very few old ladies anymore*. Our "caring" tech who is a complete douche and extreme moron told the kid that our customers are stupid, have no common sense, and "Don't even turn off their computers before they call". Could you sound more like an ass? First off, restarting a computer doesn't fix everything. Second off, yeah some of customers are not the brightest it's called; "You having a job!" You don't tell someone this, at least too someone about write a report that will be sent to your boss. Not to mention the fact his mother is a frequent caller. Speaking of common sense who said you had any! Fucking moron! Sorry, I went off there for a second. The other customer care group member in the office was able to do a little damage control, so maybe we will not come off looking like a bunch of ass monkeys. I wonder if I should take responsibility for our "caring" tech it was part of my job to train him when he came here. I failed miserably, but then maybe that's what happens when a twenty two year old has to train a forty year old. They just don't listen. Plus he's been her 4 years, it's called on the job experience.
Then it was my turn. I must be getting old because this senior looked like a 13 year old to me, but he was a nice enough kid. I showed him around the plant explaining what various equipment was and how it interconnected. I took him to the TV Head-End and showed him what went into providing IPTV. Told him about the obstacles there were in deploying and the troubleshooting that was and is required for the the system to run smoothly. I took a few simple internet calls and made myself look good by showing him good techs usually don't even need a computer to answer calls and proceeded to turn of my monitors for effect and answer these calls and any questions he thought he could stump me with. After that I had him do some work that I'd been putting off, like configuring ADSL modems and doing that day's forecast for channel one. That left enough time to show him a few tricks on building websites and then he was off to the cellular department. Overall I don't think it was to boring and if he had any interest in computers before it should have given him a good overview of the field.
*I thought about replaceing this line because it's sounds disgusting and I know you perverts, but I decide it was kind of funny too.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Hey sexy want a soda?
Denmark and the cock blocking French have banned this new soda, named Turn On, which acts as an aphrodisiac, but never fear it will soon be available in the US. The soda comes with a warning "This beverage will arouse you!" So if tequila makes her pants come off, then this little baby will make her panties come off and friends that's a winning combination.Turn On, is made with guarana, ginseng and caffeine. Doctors warn that the drink is not for everyone, like children, preggers, and old people. One children don't need to be having sex, anyway. Two only sick bastards want to know about preggers, and old people having sex. Other then that your good to go.
So to the ladyies, what's 5 inches long, 8 inches around, and can hold 12 fluid ounces of hot sticky liquid? It's Turn On! So take a swig.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
A Moron and a Link to XL Commercials.
Anylayzing homicide suspect David Downey.
Normal: Calling an escort service.
Bad: A 17 year old showing up to your home and giving her cocaine.
Worse: The 17 year old overdosing and calling your friends to help hide the body.
---------------------------- More Hijinks --------------------------------------
Normal: Getting arrested and having your family bail you out.
Bad: Checking straight into a hotel and calling an escort service.
Worse: The concierge recognizes you from TV and calls the police.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On to other things. If you missed the Superbowl or was taking a piss during the commercials and missed one check'em out here. I like the bear, touch football, magic fridge, and the one where Jessica Simpson wants me to pop something in her mouth.
Normal: Calling an escort service.
Bad: A 17 year old showing up to your home and giving her cocaine.
Worse: The 17 year old overdosing and calling your friends to help hide the body.
---------------------------- More Hijinks --------------------------------------
Normal: Getting arrested and having your family bail you out.
Bad: Checking straight into a hotel and calling an escort service.
Worse: The concierge recognizes you from TV and calls the police.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On to other things. If you missed the Superbowl or was taking a piss during the commercials and missed one check'em out here. I like the bear, touch football, magic fridge, and the one where Jessica Simpson wants me to pop something in her mouth.
Monday, February 06, 2006
I am Green Lantern!
"In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight..."
Your results:
You are Green Lantern
Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...
Your results:
You are Green Lantern
| Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.  |
Friday, February 03, 2006
My Little WHAT?
A mother of three purchased a "My Little Pony" DVD for her 3 kids ages 7, 5 and 4. However, instead of watching cute little pony's prancing on golden bricks; they got to see pretty whores holdin' pricks. The "My Little Pony" DVD was replaced with "Heartache" staring Stephanie Swift and Sydnee Steele in which... what the hell it's a porno, you know what happens. The lady responded to news paper reporter by saying, "I bought it as a surprise and, after their rooms were cleaned, I gave it to them." That's what I call a surprise! I can see it now. When her little boy turns into a teenager: "Man, When I was like four my mom bought this My Little Pony DVD. It was awesome, but she took it away and I can't find that movie anywhere. I'll I can find is stupid colorful little ponies instead sweet, sweet ass." The store is investigating the incident for those of you actually care.
New Theme Song
I think I found a theme song for my blog. I just need to rename it too Special Dan.
This guy is name Stephen Lynch. You can check him out on YouTube.
This guy is name Stephen Lynch. You can check him out on YouTube.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Talk Nerdy to me.
Let's get nerdy.
Thoughts on Internet Explorer 7 Beta 2.
Installation:
On installing IE 7 I received an error on the validation, but I clicked next again and it went thru. This was way to slow to install compared to Firefox. However, once installed you're rewarded with a beautiful interface. Slim downed toolbars and clean new look, much better then Firefox default skin. Here though is an advantage to Firefox. If you don't like the look you can always download new skins to fit your mood. This is still not available in IE and you must purchase additional 3rd party software for this feature.
Features New to IE.
The New Search Function.
This is possibly my favorite feature. It's not just Google or yahoo or msn. It allows you to set up a list of search engines and pick a default. I switch between Google and Yahoo for images all the time. This going to save a lot of time for me. Another search site I added was Amazon. I use that site very often. Other engines include AOL, Ask Jeeves, About, Cnet, eBay, Monster, Overstock, Target, Wal-Mart, Weather.com, and USA Today. Firefox does this, but I thought IE was a little easier to apply and search thru the engines. I do use this feature much in Firefox because I hate the way Firefox downloads images. Hell, I just hate the way firefox downloads. IE uses open search for this search feature and there are literally hundreds of search engines you can use. You can even customize it to use your site as a search engine.
Tabbed Browsing
IE7 finally integrates tab browsing. I've never been just a huge fan of this, but it does have benefits. To some people this was a huge advantage of Firefox as it saved resources on the machine, but Netscape has had this feature for years. It is a little easier to identify the pages on multiple tabs in IE, at least in the default skins. It also give you a thumbnail options so you can see the multiple tabbed pages you have open in thumbnail form. I just like the way it’s embedded in IE better. If you used to the shortcut keys (ctrl T) to bring up tabs you will not even notice the difference. IE has this same shortcut.
Multiple Tabbed Homepages.
You can create multiple home pages. So when you open Internet Explorer it opens multiple pages. I'm not sure why you would use this feature or how many home pages you can set. I set 6 homepages up, but I probably will not use this. I do see this feature in Firefox.
Anti-Phising
No, not Anti-Fishing, anti-phising. These are sites that actively engage in identity theft and stealing your money. Most Internet users should be able to tell the difference between a legitimate site and a phising site. However, working in the industry for 6 years, I know this not to be true. I believe there are far more ignorant users then savvy users and this feature can only help.
IE comes with more security enabled.
Which is a must as it's the most targeted browser on the market. Some may say this is because it's the easiest or weakest browser to take down. This is not true, it's just the biggest target. IE it's the most widely used browser, with 85 percent of internet users using it, while only 11 percent use Firefox. When you factor in the percentages and attacks IE is a more proven browser. That doesn't even account for the disparity in types of users. Mainly Internet savvy users prefer and use Firefox. As they should less attacks, but this is changing with the growing trend and in the last 3 months Firefox has had more updates then IE. Most users don't even think to use other browsers, hell most don’t know you can and can’t even tell you the name of the browser they use.
There a few bugs that must be fixed before primetime.
- Windows Validation. I installed IE 7 Beta 2 on 3 different machines validation had aproblem every time. Fix it.
- Compose mode in blogger works intermediatly and comments in blogger work, but render differently. Fix it.
- Trying to copy and paste images from IE to Photoshop did not work the first time. I had to close Photoshop and reopen it to get it to work. Fix it.
Overall it's like Firefox rebranded and enhanced. If you are an avid Firefox user you are not going to switch and you have no reason too. If you are an IE user get ready to catch up to the rest of the world.
Sorry for getting nerdy there, believe it or not I tied to keep rational and hopefully didn't geek out too badly. If I didtoo damn bad, that's who I am just ask Fuzzbox or CrazyDan. I get that, "what the hell are you talking about look all the time." I should tell the story of the time we got together for Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter trivia. It would scare some of you.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
The Pee Tree
Do public restrooms frighten you? Do bar restrooms smell bad and the lines way to long? Do you like peeing in the open cool air? Introducing the Pee Tree!
Designed to let your inner man out, the Pee Tree is for the outdoors in public places. No more dangerous trips to the bar alley alone, only to find a box,wall, or dumpster to pee on. The Pee Tree is designed to look like a tree to increase flow and manliness of this everyday act. With the Pee Tree you no longer have to pretend to wash your hands! Just merely wipe them off on your pants leg or air dry them like a real man. The trunk is aerodynamically designed to catch pee and gently direct it to the bowl where it is connected to a sewer line. What happens if you miss? No fuss, your outside! Have a contest with your buddies to see how high you can pee or simply pee in the bowl. The Pee Tree is only limited by your imagination. Why sulk to a urinal when you can race to a Pee Tree! Coming soon, the Pee Bush for women!
Designed to let your inner man out, the Pee Tree is for the outdoors in public places. No more dangerous trips to the bar alley alone, only to find a box,wall, or dumpster to pee on. The Pee Tree is designed to look like a tree to increase flow and manliness of this everyday act. With the Pee Tree you no longer have to pretend to wash your hands! Just merely wipe them off on your pants leg or air dry them like a real man. The trunk is aerodynamically designed to catch pee and gently direct it to the bowl where it is connected to a sewer line. What happens if you miss? No fuss, your outside! Have a contest with your buddies to see how high you can pee or simply pee in the bowl. The Pee Tree is only limited by your imagination. Why sulk to a urinal when you can race to a Pee Tree! Coming soon, the Pee Bush for women!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
I was jumped... by middle schoolers.
"A UPS driver was savagely beaten by middle school students while delivering packages in the western suburbs Friday."
Was this before or after nap time? Seriously though, this is what happens when you deliver free condoms after preaching abstinence in inner city schools.
Actually, this is pretty messed up. Most of the UPS guys I've met, are nice guys and this this just plain bullshit. This was like an ambush. Where one kid stood in the middle of the road and when Thomas Murphey stoped his truck 15 or 20 little fuckers surrounded it and knocked him on the head with a metal pipe. They then proceeded to beat the living shit out of him. A passing motorist called the police and the UPS guy was taken to the hospital. No serious damage was done. The witty response from a news anchor on CBS Channel 2 in Chicago was "to think there could be kids involved, 12 or 13 year olds." Ummm... that's why it's called middle school. If I was Thomas Murphey, the UPS driver, I'd be carrying a bomb to their mom. Exercise a little breeder control.
Update: I do not condone nor would I ever take a bomb to someone's mother, guardian, or relative. Unless they were Iraqi, it was also offensive to say breeder when I meant welfare whore. Thank you.
2nd Update: I do not condone the bombing of any Iraqi or Muslim in the United States. I also apologize for my above comment of "welfare whore". I was frustrated as it is tax season. Everyone needs help sometimes; I just don't understand why it has to be me to help your unemployed ass. Thank you.
3rd Update: I do not know if it is me actually helping you. So I might not have meant you. I was speaking in generalities. I also apologize for anything else I referred to or mentioned that might have offended you. Thank you.
Was this before or after nap time? Seriously though, this is what happens when you deliver free condoms after preaching abstinence in inner city schools.
Actually, this is pretty messed up. Most of the UPS guys I've met, are nice guys and this this just plain bullshit. This was like an ambush. Where one kid stood in the middle of the road and when Thomas Murphey stoped his truck 15 or 20 little fuckers surrounded it and knocked him on the head with a metal pipe. They then proceeded to beat the living shit out of him. A passing motorist called the police and the UPS guy was taken to the hospital. No serious damage was done. The witty response from a news anchor on CBS Channel 2 in Chicago was "to think there could be kids involved, 12 or 13 year olds." Ummm... that's why it's called middle school. If I was Thomas Murphey, the UPS driver, I'd be carrying a bomb to their mom. Exercise a little breeder control.
Update: I do not condone nor would I ever take a bomb to someone's mother, guardian, or relative. Unless they were Iraqi, it was also offensive to say breeder when I meant welfare whore. Thank you.
2nd Update: I do not condone the bombing of any Iraqi or Muslim in the United States. I also apologize for my above comment of "welfare whore". I was frustrated as it is tax season. Everyone needs help sometimes; I just don't understand why it has to be me to help your unemployed ass. Thank you.
3rd Update: I do not know if it is me actually helping you. So I might not have meant you. I was speaking in generalities. I also apologize for anything else I referred to or mentioned that might have offended you. Thank you.
Monday, January 30, 2006
GOTD: Aylar Lie
Looks like I made a mistake. Extremist says Helene Rask is from Norway. I don't really know the difference, but lets find out. It's back to my travels and a layover with some Norwegian beauties. Aylar Lie was disqualified from the Miss Norway contest after it was revealed she acted in two porn movies. She also had breast implants, but I prefered the pictures before.
Donnie Darko
Do you like these movies?
Memento
The Butterfly Effect
12 Monkeys
Then you need to check out this one.
The year is 1988 set in Middlesex, just an average suburban area, it follows a genius schizophrenic named Donnie Darko. Donnie has stopped taking his medication and when his hallucination, Frank a gaint bunny, saves him from an airplane engine that mysteriously lands on his room, he learns the world is going to end in 28 days.
A new girl moves to town, her and Donnie start going out. Strange things begin to happen to Donnie as he cuts a path of destruction thru town and learns of time travel. He struggles with the meaning of fear and love and questions the existence of God.
The movie is impossible to categorize part comedy, part sci-fi, and part horror. The movie questions your perceptions of reality with a chilling ending. Jake Gyllenhaal plays the character of Donnie Darko and does an eerie job, going from clueless to psycho with a smile. You never know what to expect with Donnie Darko. One minute your laughing about the sex life of smurfs, the next your wondering what the fuck is going on. This is a movie you'll want to watch at least twice.
Make sure it's the director's cut!
Memento
The Butterfly Effect
12 Monkeys
Then you need to check out this one.
The year is 1988 set in Middlesex, just an average suburban area, it follows a genius schizophrenic named Donnie Darko. Donnie has stopped taking his medication and when his hallucination, Frank a gaint bunny, saves him from an airplane engine that mysteriously lands on his room, he learns the world is going to end in 28 days.
A new girl moves to town, her and Donnie start going out. Strange things begin to happen to Donnie as he cuts a path of destruction thru town and learns of time travel. He struggles with the meaning of fear and love and questions the existence of God.
The movie is impossible to categorize part comedy, part sci-fi, and part horror. The movie questions your perceptions of reality with a chilling ending. Jake Gyllenhaal plays the character of Donnie Darko and does an eerie job, going from clueless to psycho with a smile. You never know what to expect with Donnie Darko. One minute your laughing about the sex life of smurfs, the next your wondering what the fuck is going on. This is a movie you'll want to watch at least twice.
Make sure it's the director's cut!
Sunday, January 29, 2006
GOTD ?
I'm drawing a blank this week. I have no idea what the theme should be. What do you want to see? Drop me a line.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Bless Hooters!
A new Hooter's restaurant opened in Waco Texas* to the welcome chants of protestors by some of the community leaders, but received a blessing by Monsignor Isidore Rozycki, the head Catholic priest for the Greater Waco Area. When the Baptist protest the Catholics party, that's what they** say anyway. Maybe I should look into joining. About 60 local ministers signed a petition trying to ban the Hooters from building the new restaurant saying it exploits women. I disagree with this, big surprise, right? If anyone is being exploited it's me! That's right I don't really want to give a twenty dollar tip, that's for lap dances not a "college"*** education. For the record, the Monsignor said he doesn't think Hooters deserves the bad rap it has gotten from some. He has eaten at a Dallas-area Hooters twice, he said, and enjoyed the experience. Of course you did, great food, great service, good times. I myself love the breasts! To Rozycki, offering the blessing is just another way he can reach out and serve the community. He pointed to the biblical story of Jesus eating with a tax collector, even though men in that profession were considered among the worst of sinners. He says he doesn't see how attending the Hooters event is any different. "God's image is in all of these folks," Rozycki said. Too true! "People who go to the restaurant with lust in their hearts are sure to find what they are looking for", Rozycki said. "But that would be true no matter where they went", he said, adding that the waitresses' uniforms are less revealing than what is on display at the beach or a public swimming pool. Speaking of which I think it's time to for someone to be e-mailing some HNT's. Let's go people you know you want to. Rozycki's church members approached him with the idea of the Hooters blessing which I think is awesome.
* Waco is home to Baylor University one of the largest Baptist schools in the country. Their college football team, The Baylor Bears, is a joke.
** By they I mean the Aimless Ranter. Talk about a guy who loves Hooters. If there is anyone who loves Hooters more then I, it's the Aimless Ranter whom is neither aimless nor ranting lately. I think he is sober, but I don't like to spread nasty rumors.
*** Come to think about a lot of strippers or "college" students so any way I'm helping our future leaders succeed. So the more you know and knowing is half the battle, just stay in school.
Below is a wallpaper for the girls of Waco.
Be sure to vote in the new poll --->
Thursday, January 26, 2006
First Rocket Powered Dildo!
Some say this is a rocket powered Bicycle. They also claim it can go from 0-60 in 5 seconds and is powered by a 200 pound thrust engine. We all know how the press gets facts wrong so doing some research. West Texas Rocks located the inventor a Dr. Hu G. Wang.
Big D: I would like to thank you, Mr. Wang for sitting down and talking with me.
Dr. Wang: No problem. I just want to penetrate the veil of these rumors out there.
Big D: I guess we will just head into then. It was reported on CNN and Popular Science that you invented a rocket powered bike. Why?
Dr. Wang: I never spoke with anyone from those organizations. It must have been one of my prankster interns. He probably had a good time getting those tight asses strapped to the safety device and letting it go.
Big D: Tight asses, okay. So what exactly did you invent?
Dr. Wang: I thought it was obvious. A rocket powered Dildo and their asses were too tight after that inerview I'm sure. (Note: Dr. Wang had a smug grin and creepy laugh on this remark.)
Big D: That's what I though it looked like. Why the bike?
Dr. Wang: That's a modified bicycle. It's more like a safety device. Once inserted it give quite the thrust, you know.
Big D: What about the 200lb thrust engine? Is that right?
Dr. Wang: No, it's a 200 thrust engine! We can't get it to thrust more then that. It's a patented technology. I can't really discuss the specifics.
Big D: Fair enough. It looks dangerous. Do you really think it's going to sell?
Dr. Wang: There is a market for it. It's quite fun really, would you like to try?
Big D: No! I mean no thank you, I don't actually do field work that's Crazy Dan job. I'll have to send him by. Thanks again Dr. Wang for sitting down and talking with me.
There you have it's not a bike it's a rocket powered dildo! You heard it first from West Texas Rocks.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
XXXchurch say's God kills kitten because of me!
While doing some research for a future post on JC's girls. A ministry formed by a "porn again" stripper I came across a site and a new topic for a post. I followed a link from JC's girls to a site called XXXchurch. I thought sweet porn. The site's the banner said "Number 1 Christian Porn Site". Sweet right? I've never seen Christian porn, it might be awesome. I know a lot of perverted Christians there might be some really freaky shit. Guess what? No porn! I'm thinking of a class action suit for false advertising. While I was there I found a startling fact. Did you know that every time you masturbate God kills a kitten. Just watch this video. That's some fucked up shit JC! I mean, I'm a dog person too, but damn that's a little harsh. I'm all about Bob Barker and to spade and neuter your pets, but every time I pet my snake you kill a kitten? That's just wrong.
This site XXXchurch is a total freak show. For pure entertainment I highly recommend it. Especially the forums and the hate mail. They get more hate mail from their brothers and sisters then from us perverts.
This site XXXchurch is a total freak show. For pure entertainment I highly recommend it. Especially the forums and the hate mail. They get more hate mail from their brothers and sisters then from us perverts.
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