Monday, August 01, 2005

Monkey Jihad

Hordes of filthy stinking monkeys have stormed the agricultural fields of Puerto Rico taking no prisoners. Many a banana has been bruised, beaten, and killed. The Puerto Rican army is taken the fight to the monkeys in an unprecedented military campaign the likes which the citizens of Puerto Rico have never known. The monkeys have proven quite resilient and clever, however and top military strategists seem to be at a loss. Top aides claim that the monkey menace may never truly disappear, but in roads can be made a stable peace reached. A small group of protestors believe the monkeys should have territorial rights to these farmlands and praise this monkey revolution. "These monkeys have been breed in labs and have been put thru torturous experiments. Isn't it time they had a homeland?" said one protestor who wished to stay anonymous. The Puerto Rican population on a hole seems to be split on the campaign with 52 percent believing the government is doing all it can and slowly freeing the farmlands from monkey occupation, while 46 percent believing the campaign to be a hopeless quagmire. "We must pull out of the agricultural farms and give in to the monkeys, what is to be gained by resisting the monkeys?" When asked what she would eat the woman shrugged and said "Wanta Fanta?" Right now the main battle seems to be centered on Toa Baja. Elias Sanchez, a top assistant to Toa Baja's mayor seems confident but cautious, "No one knows how many primates live in and around Toa Baja" but the city is doing it's best to address the problem. Toa Baja's mood seems different from the rest of the country where fear has been traded for outrage. Authorities recently acknowledged a cell of these wretched moneys has turned up just 20 minutes outside metropolitan San Juan - home to 1.5 million residents and a virtually unlimited number of hiding places. Jose Chalbert, director of Puerto Rico's Department of Natural Resources "It would be very bad if these monkeys got to San Juan, I don't even want to think about having to trap monkeys there." The monkey rebellion seems to have unlimited fecal munitions and is believed to have obtain these weapons thru nefarious illegal trades in the underground banana market. All I have to say to the monkeys is "DAMN YOU. GOD DAMNS YOU ALL TO HELL!"

Here is the real story if you have any interest.


:P fuzzbox said...

Nein you cannot touch my monkey.-Dieter from Sprockets.

Anonymous said...

The Good Book says that man was to have dominion over the animals.. lets cut the top of the little boogers head off and have lunch !
I`ll have my people call your people .